Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, News, Views

What To Pack For A Trip To Saudi Arabia

(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.

The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*

The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”

Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.

Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack.  A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.

Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.

Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.

Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.

Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?

Screen Shot 2017-05-19 at 1.10.42 PM

Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.

90

Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…

White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.

Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.

Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.

Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.

58bde1d11a00003700f41f7d

I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!

Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”

“We are not here to lecture — to tell other peoples how to live, what to do or who to be. We are here instead to offer partnership in building a better future for us all.”

You give good satire, sir.

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Humor. It got me through the week.

I overdosed on Trump this week.  It was my fault. “Just one more article,” I kept telling myself, fully intending to avert my eyes from the cake-batter mess unfolding across computer screens around the globe.

Thankfully, Trump has yet to lessen the tribe of writers and bloggers who are determined to expose him for what he really is…a man who lies even when it’s in his best interests not to lie. This trait is burrowed deep into his psyche and guides his every act. There is no hope he will change. Because people with serious personality disorders know when they do something that is morally or ethically wrong. The difference between them and us? They just do not care. And will say so to your face.

I had enough this morning so bounced over to The New Yorker and found these two gems. Humor…it does a body (and mind) good. *smile*

Happy Easter!

Screen Shot 2017-04-15 at 2.22.07 PM


Screen Shot 2017-04-15 at 2.21.30 PM

 

Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, Views

A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend

Dear America,

Hi there, girlfriend! How you doing? It’s been, like, forevs since we’ve had a chance to get dishy with it and go all sharesies with some hard-core alternative facts. *big wink*

Mea culpa, I take full responsibility for not checking in. Been busy reinventing my entire life, in the aftermath of finding out I was involved with a cheater and his Danish married girlfriend (how do you say sad sausage in Danish?)…which made me think of psychopath, which led me to personality disorder, and of course, THAT reminded me about you and the new addition to your life!

Huh, the way our minds work, eh? Swipe left, swipe right…like Tinder only not gross and creepy. Mostly.

It was just last year you were talking about expanding your family to welcome in someone “emotionally-challenged” and it’s been, what? Almost four months now with whatshisname…Dingle, Dongle, Doofus…oh, I remember! Donald! How’s that working for you, sweetie?

I so admire you for spit-balling your personal integrity and just going for it. Oorah, MarineContinue reading “A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend”

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor, News, Special Report

It’s A Wrap

Jingle jingle jingle!

Happy [fill in the blank with your holiday of choice because we can’t be bothered to referee any fights that break out because we used a holiday that’s not on the approved list of holidays] from management and staff of The Nudge Wink Report.

It’s been a year of ups and downs and round and rounds here on NWR. We lost some bloggers and gained some bloggers, lost some battles but won the war and will live to blog another year here on WordPress.

In the spirit of the season, Management decided to cut a rug…cut the mustard…fuck. CUT US ALL A BREAK and told staff to take the rest of the month off. Hopefully to spend that time with friends and family.

For those field reporters without friends or family, management has made arrangements with a cut-rate discount motel in downtown Cleveland to set aside one standard room for the duration of the holidays that staff can share. The room is free but if staff want fresh sheets and towels, they have to take turns being the Elf on the Shelf in the motel lobby.

To all of our faithful readers, we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] and a happy new year!

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Pumpkins Get No Respect

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is just over a week away and pumpkins everywhere are busy being stabbed, sliced, jabbed, disemboweled, and carved into outdoor decor for your front porch. Where they’ll sit until they rot and the stench becomes so strong it attracts feral cats and winos.

Pumpkin carving is an art. Most of us see pumpkin carving as a craft and try to DIY them into something cute. Something that makes a child go all “ooh” and “ah.”

That is not the purpose of a pumpkin. Pumpkins distain cute. Pumpkins don’t want to bring a smile to your face. Pumpkins want to be the scariest part of your day come October 31.

So when P.U.S. (Pumpkins United Society) contacted me to help get the message across, I agreed. I said I’d take a stab at carving out a post as long as they didn’t hold a knife to my throat. Continue reading “Pumpkins Get No Respect”

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Is it me or is summer…oops, too late, it’s gone

Hear that sound? That’s the sound of summer passing. With the ringing of the school bell, parents everywhere are muttering, “I know I shouldn’t wish my life away but it’s time. I NEED MY LIFE BACK!”

Even if you don’t hold down a full-time paid position of some kind of soul (sucking or fulfilling, you choose) job, summer is intense. It’s not that parents don’t enjoy spending every freaking waking moment of summer vacation with their kids. For the first few weeks it’s a wonderful feeling to have your child’s undivided attention.

Then they turn into that thing you hate most. The bored child. They eye-ball your every move. Continue reading “Is it me or is summer…oops, too late, it’s gone”