Merry Happy Jingle Chestnuts

It’s not over yet but 2017 was the year I fully embraced the Stoli. And this will be my first Christmas without turkey. I refuse to get rid of the vodka that’s taking up shelf room in my freezer to make room for a Butterball. Watching Trump peck and scratch his way to obscurity is turkey enough for me.

The field reporters for The Nudge Wink Report did a stellar job this year, blogging about this, that, and the other thing. We managed to find the funny every week, without missing…okay, we missed a few. Like that time Dave showed up wearing…huh. Just realized I can’t tell that story. Or any of the other reasons some of us missed our deadlines this year. *nudge, wink*

Management is so impressed relieved that we keep turning up even though the coffee around here comes FROM A CAN, they’ve given us the rest of the year off to go forth and be joyful. To find the reason for the season. To jingle our bells. Or to pinch the Grinch. Whatever toasts our chestnuts.

Life Sucks, Then There’s Thanksgiving Dinner.

Yes, I admit it.  I wrote this post BEFORE looking at what someone else had written.  I have a good excuse, writing a 68,373 word novel in the first 19 days of November for NaNoWriMo and still keeping up with my day job.

Life sucks, and then there’s Thanksgiving dinner. What’s the best way to stay calm in the culinary storm?

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Yes, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow in the USA.  Time to

• burn the turkey,
• whip up a quick gravy mix with more chemicals in it than a science lab,
• open a can of mystery cranberry product, and
• put so much brown sugar in the sweet potatoes that the token diabetic goes into sugar shock.

Only 1000 calories per teaspoon.

 

From what I gleaned from my usual 5 minute search of the Internet,  a poll says that Turkey is the favorite food for Thanksgiving, and the least favorite dish is green bean casserole. 

Vomit is more appealing

Who knew?  HINT:  Anyone who has ever been invited to the bosses house on T-day and felt obligated to force it down their throat.

That poll was from 2005, leading me to believe that Thanksgiving polls are not all that popular. 

Personally, I rank Thanksgiving one notch higher than New Years Eve. Why the hell does any woman want to spent 10 hours in the kitchen while the men watch football, and people yell at each other for 20 minutes as they shovel food into their mouths, then spend 2 hours more cleaning up the mess?  Not me!

The best Thanksgiving starts on Saturday so that I can have Turkey and the trimmings all week at my leisure!  Then I have an entire turkey-free day to polish my attack plan for Cyber Monday.  I think I’ll start with Puritan Pride this year.  I need more Vitamin D.

How about some delicious tofurky to go with your green bean casserole?

Today, I have a poll of my own to conduct.  Just write your answer in the reply section below and feel free to vent your turkey heart out!

1.  What is your favorite Thanksgiving activity?

a.  Cooking, baking and cleaning.

b.  Listening to relatives fight over dinner.

c.  Forget the relatives! I buy turkeys on sale for 59 cents a pound, boil the hell out of them and freeze the meat in packets so I’ll have meat for the next 3 months.

d.  I’d rather have a root canal without anesthetic than be within 100 miles of a relative at Thanksgiving.

e.  Other (this includes going out to eat alone or with someone who isn’t going to remind you of how many ways you’ve disappointed them over the years).

Quick, delicious, and easier to throw at your relatives than a turkey.

 2.  What is your favorite Thanksgiving dinner?

a. Turkey, dressing, gravy, sweet potatoes—you know…the usual.

b. Tofurky and vegetables (anything from Artichokes to Zucchini)

c. Burritos, burgers or barbecue.

d. Ham, macaroni and cheese, and don’t forget the green bean casserole.

e. Skip the dinner and go straight for the pie.

 

3. How much weight do you gain between Halloween and New Year’s Eve each year?

a.  People hate me because I never gain a pound.

b.  1 – 10 pounds.

c.  11 – 20 pounds.

d.  21 – 40 pounds.

e.  Just shut up and pass me the entire bowl of egg nog!

That’s all the questions I have for you at this time.  I look forward to your answers….I think.

How thankful are you? Take this quiz!

Well, gobble-gobble and Holy Carcass-Stuffing!
Thanksgiving is almost here once again!

Time to slap on some roomy sweatpants, mosey on over to the dinner table, grab the nearest shovel,
and find out if you are thankful enough!*

What is Thanksgiving?

A) Thanksgiving is a tradition that began when Pilgrims sat down to break bread with Native Americans.
B) Thanksgiving is a tradition that always falls on the fourth Thursday in November.
C) Thanksgiving is a tradition of gathering all those people you tried like hell to avoid the rest of the year.
D) Thanksgiving is a tradition that involves large groups of bloviating idiots getting together to methodically tear each other’s egos to shreds. (Oops! Sorry, that was the last few presidential debates, my bad.)

ANSWER: C and D. Mostly D.

On Thanksgiving, people like to:

A) Eat turkey.
B) Watch the Macy’s parade on television.
C) Spend time with family.
D) Casually inform Aunt Ethel at the dinner table that Uncle Earl was spotted last night slipping a fiver into a stripper’s G-string.

ANSWER: D. Sorry, Aunt Ethel. After you’re done crying, please pass the gravy.

Tofurky is:

A) A vegetarian turkey replacement.
B) Made of organic tofu and wheat protein.
C) Delicious.
D) Served with a Rich “Giblet” gravy, a special blend of herbs, spices, and finely-ground arrogant yoga instructors.

ANSWER: D. Mm-mmm! Yoga instructor tastes just like chicken!

After granting a turkey a pardon, former President George W. Bush was overheard saying:

A) Well, golly gee willikers. That sure was entertaining.
B) Be well, Mr. Turkey. I love you.
C) Well, heh heh heh…at least let me buy you dinner first.
D) Okay, are we done? We good? Camera’s off? Time to slice this bitch up! I call drumstick!
E) All of the above.

ANSWER: E

Before dinner, people spend time:

A) Watching football.
B) Filling up on appetizers.
C) Visiting with relatives.
D) Placing bets on how many turkey sandwiches it would take to get Matt Lauer and Al Roker to shut their pie holes.

ANSWER: Always D at my house.

TRUE OR FALSE

A spooked turkey can burst into flight approaching speeds between 50-55 mph in a matter of seconds.

TRUE.  Last week I was driving my tiny Prius down a country road when I came upon a gobble of about a dozen wild turkeys attempting to cross the road. As I approached, the turkeys suddenly launched into flight, several of them soaring across the hood of my car while the rest continued flying down the road. Sadly, I was unable to catch up to them long enough to snap a photo for Instagram.  New Toyota slogan: Prius — Even Turkeys Are Faster.

Thomas Jefferson thought celebrating Thanksgiving was, “the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard.”

TRUE. He also went on to state that Ben Franklin “liked to wear nappies and cry for his mama” and John Hancock was “the world’s biggest jackhole.” Thomas Jefferson was then asked to kindly put down the wine bottle and put on some clothes because he was scaring the children attending the White House egg roll.

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So, how’d you do? Yeah, that’s what I thought. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Enjoy the can-shaped cranberry sauce!

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*According to my mom, you will never be thankful enough.