Taking a Twitter break is not a good idea. I took off a few weeks months, and came back and tweets go from 140 characters to 280 characters and now Trump is starting to make sense. This may shock you but I have zero pull with Twitter and have a better chance of Lake Bell liking one of my tweets (which she totally did btw!) than convincing Twitter to edit back their decision. #bitchtweet

If you watch the news through the bottom of an empty tequila bottle, things don’t look half bad.

Your daughter comes to stay with you for a week and as a gift, brings along the cold she got from her boyfriend and doesn’t tell you until day three after you’ve been sharing pretty much everything since she stepped off the plane and the day she leaves you wake up with a head cold and a chest cough that sounds like rockets exploding and you still love the kid.

Only 1,088 days until November 3, 2020. I write “only” in a hopeful, uplifting, it’s-not-really-that-long tone…while eating cookies. Because I vote we be positive. I elect to think we can do better. Let that register for a while. I’ll stop with the election analogies because you got this.

Beef-kinis’ are a thing. Or is it a thong. Let’s ask Miss Bumbum.

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What is it with you and that ficus?

Feeling good that I don’t have a penis. Seriously! Your penis insists you masturbate into potted plants or forces you to whip it out and flash it around in front of strangers and you let your penis be the boss of you? If it was any other body part, you’d already have surgery booked. Chop, chop.

No. It’s a complete sentence.

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” Thank you, Margaret Atwood.

Women need to laugh more.

Yesterday, Tiffany & Co. opened the Blue Box Cafe on the fourth floor of their flagship store in New York City. A nod, 56 years later, to the success of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  Coffee and a croissant in a to-go bag is going to be the big seller. I’m sure they know this. Yeah. They must. 😉

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The idea that facts should come first…MIND BLOWN.

An Oklahoma woman who married her Mother pled guilty to incest. Apparently growing up to sound like her Mother wasn’t enough. She needed Mom to put a ring on it.

Drink lots of fluids to combat a cold. Vodka is a fluid. A shot every two hours is just enough alcohol to convince yourself you don’t really need to take that shower.

When Rachel Maddow says “put a pin in that” while reporting a story, she’s not talking about Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Although maybe she should rethink that considering how many donkey asses are sitting in The White House.

According to Huffington Post, there are six spots around the world your kids would love. They all look very affordable. 

On Thursday, I watched FOX News for this first time. I learned nothing. I think that was their point.

HEADLINE: “Moschino’s $736 ‘Dry Cleaning Bag’ Dress is totally sheer and totally cheeky”

What’s cheeky is they make no mention of the athletic sock handbag. Bastards.

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The Nudge Wink Report has 7,473 followers. Most of them choose not to comment. And really, why comment on perfection? *flutters eye lashes*

And that’s what I learned this week.