Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor

You Can’t Choose Your Family But You CAN Choose Who You Travel With

I’ve been off social media for the past two months enjoying the final glorious days of summer and trying to avoid reading too much about how The White House has evolved into “an adult day care center.” It’s my turn in the bat mobile this week here at The Nudge Wink Report and every post I tried to write veered off the road into la-la land…and not in an academy-nominated way. More in a man-baby-takes-aim-at-anyone-who-doesn’t-praise-him way. Thankfully I have a back catalogue of material I can shift into gear and put on the road at a moment’s notice.

Enjoy the road trip. And don’t forget to tip your driver. *grin*

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

Next time, we'll check who's on the same flight first.

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide-book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

What’s your most memorable vacation nightmare? People, place, or thing?

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Posted in Humor

SPECIAL REPORT : The plane truth

My granddaughter’s birthday is coming up…

…and so is my dinner at the thought of walking through airports again.

Over the sidewalk and through the ropes

to TSA’s house we go.  

The cops know the way to ruin our day,

they put on quite a show.

Fingers in places no one can see

and hands that grope my boobs

once in the plane, my baggage tucked,

I have to say getting there sucked.

 

 

AND THAT’S THE PLANE TRUTH!

Yep.  It’s nearly time for a fate worse than death — going from the parking lot to the plane.  

On longer flights, I’ll get my Starbuck’s  Chai with honey and soy milk before boarding and sip on it – for 9 hours – to avoid having to use the airplane bathrooms.

I can stuff a carry-on full of crap so well, you’d think it was the inside of a Tardis.  

 

If the airlines weren’t  so blinded by the allure of making a buck, they’d understand we know the truth

Fortunately, I’ve only had this pilot once in my lifetime and lived to tell about it

We were over New York City when the plane went from upright to sideways in a matter of seconds.  The buildings looked like this from the air

Oddly, I was stoic about the fact that if I was about to die, I had the worst possible view ever.  Another name for this brand of stoicism is “Frozen in Fear.”

When you fly crunch class, doesn’t it seem that the flight attendants are a bit irritated at having to provide the drinks and peanuts to 300 people for a 1 hour flight?  

I can’t imagine why.  

The last time I took a plane, this was my flight attendant.

Really.  I’m serious.  I think he poked me with the end of his sword to force me off the plane and into 

ANXIETY CENTRAL

Otherwise known as yet another airpit airport.

I’d rather endure this

Than go through THIS:

You only have to go through a catastrophic plane crash once.

anxietyworkout

If you don’t hear from me next month, you know where I’ll be.

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Telling Stories

I fancy myself a writer. It’s a rather lofty aim of mine to one day write a novel – after all, apparently we all have one great novel in us. Personally, I’d like to know who keeps putting novels inside people. I mean, ew.

That aside, my aim would be to write a book for my daughter, who keeps asking me to tell her stories, especially spooky stories. The trouble is, I can’t simply magic up a story off the top of my head, I need to think about it and put it to paper, and my little girl is not nearly patient enough to wait for me to chew the fat and produce a thrilling tale. What I’m therefore doing is putting together a vampire story, and trying to carefully balance it so it’s appropriate for a seven year-old, whilst having it be scary. In theory I can do this, but lines about ‘torn flesh’ and ‘bloodied ruins’ might not be the best choice of words.

Still, to write ‘the creepy vampire bared his fangs’ seems just a little tame.

What’s the limit with kids? My favourite child’s author, Roald Dahl, was not afraid to push the envelope in terms of macabre or disgusting. How about Revolting Rhymes? Or The Twits? How about the brutal opening scene of James and the Giant Peach? Here was a man who understood that children could handle being scared, or grossed out – and not only handle but enjoy it. I dare say the modern successor to Dahl’s style is David Walliams, whose books are in fact quite grim (Demon Dentist and  Awful Auntie, you both have a lot to answer for in my house), and also quite poignant – last Friday marked twenty years since my grandfather passed away, so given the touching ending and words of Grandpa’s Great Escape… well, my eyes were wet, let’s just put it that way.

Perhaps this explains the more sombre tone I am adopting today. Time moves forward so quickly, quicker than we realise – one day I was reading Roald Dahl books and listening my grandfather tell me stories – the next, I am reading Dahl’s stories to my daughter, and reminiscing about my grandfather. To add to my reflective mood, I had a dream about my dear grandmother recently… it was emotional. My brother and I could see her, my little girl couldn’t. This particular dream followed on from a pair of exceptionally weird dreams (Hillary Clinton stepping into the ring in Las Vegas and taking on a heavy champ, check, nuclear war, check), but it meant at least that the dream ended with me seeing my Nan. I can’t ask for more than that.

Wow, this started out as ‘Telling Stories’ and I guess that’s true. I’ve spun a bit of a yarn here after all. I guess that’s what we all need to keep doing – tell stories, listen to each other, and I’ll sign off this post with the words at the end of Grandpa’s Great Escape

‘As long you as you love me, I can never die.’

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Breaking: Irma Shaves – Special Report

reporter-1“The storm is here,” said the governor. Everyone looked out their windows and said, “Hey, he’s right!”

Bulletin, bulletin, bulletin! Bulletin, bulletin, bulletin! The sun did not come up this morning, huge cracks have appeared in the earth’s surface, and big rocks are falling out of the sky. Details twenty-five minutes from now on Action Central News, kids!

–George Carlin, Take-offs and Put-ons, 1967

First Harvey, now Irma. Leave it to a woman to be forced to pick up after a man, even though an unimaginable gulf exists between them. What else is new?

reporter-2Speaking of news, we have embedded 42 reporters who are now reporting live from the hardest hit areas. You know where, right? The areas where everyone was ordered to evacuate. Luckily, reporters are not well known for listening to reason.


“Hey, boss. You know that hurricane that’s about to hit the mainland?”

Continue reading “Breaking: Irma Shaves – Special Report”

Posted in Floridaborne, Humor

Not So Special Report : Miss Me?

All right.  I admit it.  I missed the July NWR deadline by an entire month.  Did anyone miss me?

I think I hear Simon and Garfunkel playing “The Sounds of Silence.”

Talk about a frigid welcome – My readers weren’t the only entities giving me a cold shoulder recently.  It was a record 80 degrees in Florida today.  Any colder and I’ll be grabbing my coat.

She forgot the socks

Did you know I once lived in Houston, Texas?  My daughter used to live in the area that Hurricane Harvey flooded.  It’s notorious for that.  She moved to Oklahoma, where it’s a lot safer.  Now, she only has to worry about 2 mile wide tornadoes. 

Harvey is going back into the gulf for another drink of water so he can pee on Houston some more.  Who says mother nature isn’t vindictive? 

What’s next?  80 degree weather in Yellow knife – in January?  I wouldn’t put it past Earth to tilt on her axis so that Ecuador can take Antarctica’s place.  There’s something just not right about having palm trees in Canada.

 

So now that I’m drinking soup…in August…in Florida…without air conditioning (because I hate it – no, the A/C, not the soup), I’ll tell you why I missed my deadline in July.

Work.

My work load doubled and August was on the calendar before I had a chance to enjoy July.

Before you ream me a new one just because I went from ½ time to ¾ time in the work force, I’ll remind you of a very important fact.  I retired for 2 months and 8 of the longest days of my life waaaay back in December 2016.  When I was asked to come back (my replacement didn’t work out) my boss asked, “How long do you want to work?” 

I replied, “Until I die.”

So while you’re dreaming about gathering sand fleas on the seashore, my top priority is having enough money coming in to feed dogs and cats (they seem to expect that), eat, pay bills, and have something to do besides sit around waiting to die.

As a reminder that I have more than paid my dues in this club called life, when I was 15, this is how we sent text messages

You put the letter in an envelope and sent it out.  In week or two, you received a reply.  I guarantee it contained whole words written by people who were actually happy to hear from you.

This was my first computer — at the age of 34 during my 3rd year of college

Held 15 pages of text in a 6 inch floppy disk.’

If you went over 15 pages, the entire document disappeared, but it was better than the IBM selectric, where the “cut  and paste” feature was an eraser and a bottle of liquid paper — if you were lucky.  Otherwise, you had to type the entire page over again.

This was my first computer printer

The state-of-the-art Daisy Wheel printer produced 1 character per second.

Now I get to walk around seeing people talking into their Dick Tracy phones while they’re texting on their smart phone with a piece of plastic in their ear and another smart phone in their pocket in the rare event a call comes in from work.

It was envisioned by the author of Dick Tracy that one day the talking phone might be used for something that’s actually…useful, not chattering about how ridiculous Kardashians look in flip flops.

So…yes.  I did miss my deadline.  But if a deadline comes and goes – and nobody  in the cyberforest is there to hear it fall — it obviously didn’t make an impact.  Just to show you that I am capable of making a deadline when I’m supposed to, I’m publishing this 2 days early.

It just hit 77 degrees. Excuse me while I wander off to look for my coat.

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

The Case of the Bad Memory

img_0591

I had so many ideas for a post, and I kept telling myself ‘I’ll write it soon, I’ll start it today, I’ll get it done’. What happened? Did some super urgent secret mission take me away from my plans? Was I abducted by aliens? Did some fantastical amazing event lead my astray? Nope. None of the above. I forgot. I will therefore perform self-flagellation in the form of this post. It’s my way of apology to you, the Nudge Wink community.

img_0592

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Daleks! I recently posted about the appearance of a man taking his Dalek for a walk, and mentioned it was the fourth weirdest thing I’ve seen from the store window.

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See, I didn’t make that up! And yes, it’s the fourth weirdest thing. I have seen weirder – or scarier, depending on your perspective. Don’t worry though, we have the Doctor!

JodieWhittaker Dr Who

Take that you stupid Dalek!

What might be stranger than a man taking his Dalek for a walk down the high street? Well, for one, there’s Snake Man! Not sadly, a man whose half-man, half-snake, but rather a man who was carrying some form of snake on his shoulders as he walked down the street. Quite what compelled him to take a snake for a walk, we will never know.

There’s the Shouter – we watched him go back and forth, over and over again, whilst hurling abuse at the local pub across the road. Quite what the pub had done to him, I don’t know. He is in fact one of several shouters – ranging from the harmless, to the ones that might be genuinely dangerous, which leads me on to the weirdest/scariest thing I’ve witnessed outside the store window – the Knife Idiots.

timondubious

Yep, the other day a pair of… well, I can’t call them adults because their behaviour was anything but – a pair of creatures decided the sensible way to resolve their conflict was to stand outside the pub waving blades at each other whilst screaming obscenities. It lurched between being sadly amusing and downright terrifying – though the wave of the blades was half-hearted and it was all a display of pointless, desperate bravado. Hands up if you’re impressed by that…

The Dalek was smarter, and it was possibly an empty shell.

For the record, where I work is not actually a bad area, it just has miscreants, like anywhere would. It just seems that half of them enjoy displaying their strange or unruly behaviour outside my shop window.