Posted in Floridaborne, Humor

Piled higher and deeper and in quadruplicate

Aaaarrrrguh!

It’s Wednesday?  Already?

 

sarcasm.jpg

 

***????SPECIAL REPORT????***

If this report were any more special you could buy it at McD’s.

And I’m not clowning around!

RonMcD.jpg
mcdonalds.wikia.com

 

 

Today’s  addition to the Nudge Wink reports is about working for government

Any government.

 I don’t care if it’s the USA, Canada, Russia, or Lower Sloboviya, there’s paperwork.

 

hand.jpg                                                 …and I need this filing done in an hour!

My cat and every government in the world have one thing in common:  The same mantra

nothing is impossible.jpg

 

After a month back on my job, it felt like this:

working.jpg

Just when I thought that paperwork and I had come to an understanding…

 

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Supershirtguy.com

 

…I was presented with the horrible truth:

 

 

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123rf.com

 

 

The people at the non-profit organization are fantastic!

It started out simple enough.  Once upon a time there were groups of parents all over the USA who wanted to give their forgotten children something to do during the day.  They relied on volunteers, bake sales and donations to run their local non-profit organizations. 

Then the state of Florida said, “We will give you money.”

pixar's The Good Dinosaur.jpg

It wasn’t much, and often didn’t come in at a reliable time.  But a group of advocates worked very, very hard to get more money and have it doled out each month, not whenever a social worker got around to doing it.

So then the state of Florida said, “We will partner with the federal government and both of us will give you money.”

People from other states heard about Florida’s windfall.  They didn’t try to get this program in their state.  Noooo.  They flocked into Florida like a cloud of vultures to benefit from the money that was supposed to be used for Floridians. 

What was meant to help 5000 people IED’d into an explosion of need that threatened to kill the program and everyone associated with it.

Instead of the state saying, “You have to live here 10 years before you’re eligible for this program,” they said…

“Let there be forms,”

And there were forms.

Then they said, “Let there be rules and regulations.”

And there were enough rules and regulations to kill off the dinosaurs.

And behold, the plan to plan to do the plan was created.

I was hired to write over 200 of these a year, get them completed before the deadlines, and send them out in quadruplicate.

Oh, but it gets bitter better.

  1. LEVEL 1:  The government generates a program and puts paperwork into rule.  It means they make laws instead of congress, which is unconstitutional.
  2. LEVEL 2:  The government subcontracts with one giant agency to monitor the entire program.  The state monitors the monitors.
  3. LEVEL 3: For the next level under that, the government hires other subcontractors to oversee ALL the subcontractors who provide direct care services to the people who are receiving services.
  4. LEVEL toilet bowl (4):   Level 3 sends Level 4 the paperwork out of which 100+ different types of forms are generated.  
  5. Why 100+ different forms?  Because the F@#&*%$ government can’t get their act together and make the 10+ agencies — whose laws we have to follow– CONSOLIDATE THEIR PAPERWORK!

pyramid.jpg

Level 1, the state & feds

Level 2, monitors

Level 3 sub monitors

 

wikipedia toilet.jpg

 

<—I am here….level 4

 

 

I wish it were as simplistic, but this system puts the pyramid scheme to shame.

In the scheme of things it’s a lot more like this.

 

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ladotbikeblog.wordpress.com

 

I’m somewhere near the vanishing point…I think.

Subcontractors at level 3 who haven’t done their job right will walk into my office at times, and I’m supposed to do this:

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They have learned to avoid me because my face will become indelibly paired with this:

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I know I shouldn’t be catty, but…some days I just can’t help being sar-cat-stick.

ur opinion.jpg

Did I mention how hard it is to get 100 overworked, underpaid, and rarely appreciated people to get paperwork into the office at the right time…and how greatly it resembles trying to herd 100 terrified cats? 

It helps to be a professional nag armed with a healthy dose of OCD.  

The non-profit recently had an audit.  I just found out that my insistence on doing paperwork that my former boss said was unnecessary saved 2-months of payback.

I’ll be smiling about that for days.

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boredpanda.com

If you ever experience temporary insanity and think you can trust ANY government, always remember this truth:

gov sand meme.jpg

Really.

Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

to be determined

 

There is a player on the Cavaliers who believes the earth is flat.  His name is Kyrie Irving and he was born on the other side of what he must see as giant pizza box in a place called Australia.  One might be inclined to imagine that anyone who thinks the earth is flat must have had a sub-par education.  Kyrie went to a prestigious prep school in northern New Jersey, and later attended a place called Duke University.  Either those two institutions are guilty of not providing their star athletes with the most basic of educations, or Kyrie chose to ignore the astronomy portion of his curriculum.  Kyrie may be one of the only Duke alum who thinks the earth is flat, but he’s far from alone.

Perhaps Kyrie and the others only believe in things which they can see with their naked eyes.  Despite the likelihood that he’s spent more time at thirty five thousand feet than the rest of us, he’s been unable to see any curvature of the planet below, and therefore, it is flat (except the Rockies, which are bumpy).  It’s interesting to wonder why there’s never been a fail video on YouTube featuring someone falling off the edge of the planet, excuse me,  I meant plane.

We can assume that Kyrie does not believe in the existence of atoms either.  The building blocks of our world, in his mind, are small grains of sand – there’s nothing smaller.  Wait until he gets old like me and his eyes go bad, then the smallest particle will be a poppy seed.  Photosynthesis? Nope. The wind should also not exist.  When the snow is hitting Cleveland sideways off the lake, it’s because gravity must have shifted.

Santa Claus, on the other hand, is very real.  He’s easy to spot at any shopping mall around December, and down at the liquor store once in a while buying blackberry brandy and scratch offs.

On a more serious note; is believing the earth is flat any more or less ludicrous than believing that global warming is fake news?  Surprisingly, many flat earthers do believe in global warming, they just prefer that you refer to it as Planar Heating

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We are now in violation of treaty

MAIN-Mary-Berry
Demonstration of portion control. I do love a moist sponge, laws yes.

(The goal for today’s post is a simple one: At all costs avoid any mention of He Who Must Not Be Named. If I screw that up, my wife kicks me in the marzipan. Again. –Ed.)

Truth, Justice, and the American way. Simple, lofty ideals that sound good but are easier said than done.

We’ll take a look at a typical American family and see how they incorporate these values into their modest daily lives. Something tells me it will be a real treat.

In the Taker household, dessert time is a special time. It’s a sacred time.

Continue reading “We are now in violation of treaty”

Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, Views

A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend

Dear America,

Hi there, girlfriend! How you doing? It’s been, like, forevs since we’ve had a chance to get dishy with it and go all sharesies with some hard-core alternative facts. *big wink*

Mea culpa, I take full responsibility for not checking in. Been busy reinventing my entire life, in the aftermath of finding out I was involved with a cheater and his Danish married girlfriend (how do you say sad sausage in Danish?)…which made me think of psychopath, which led me to personality disorder, and of course, THAT reminded me about you and the new addition to your life!

Huh, the way our minds work, eh? Swipe left, swipe right…like Tinder only not gross and creepy. Mostly.

It was just last year you were talking about expanding your family to welcome in someone “emotionally-challenged” and it’s been, what? Almost four months now with whatshisname…Dingle, Dongle, Doofus…oh, I remember! Donald! How’s that working for you, sweetie?

I so admire you for spit-balling your personal integrity and just going for it. Oorah, MarineContinue reading “A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend”

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Animal News From Around The Globe

Hey there everyone.

Since it’s still technically the weekend for a few more hours (at least in the US anyway), why don’t we all unwind with some fun stories about my favourite subject.

No, not cake!

Although that would be an excellent idea come to think of it, I’ll bear that in mind for the next thrilling installment 🙂

cake

Get ready for some animal news, views and commentary from around the globe.

(Why animals you say? Because they are freaking adorable! And usually good for a laugh too – OK, let’s go!)

 

African elephants may be shortest-sleeping mammals

elephantnose

African elephants are one of the largest mammals on the planet and you would think that with that comes plenty of time spent under the blankets.

Researchers have found out however that African elephants in the wild sleep an average of two hours a day and regularly go nearly two days without sleep.

Are you kidding me? Two days? And only two hours kip? I want to take a nap every ten minutes and doze for at least twenty hours at a time like my spirit animal the sloth or there will be hell to pay. Two days without sleep and I’m going to be trampling people underfoot and not even notice they were there. No wonder wild elephants are angry. I’d be flaming furious.

What about the old phrase an elephant never forgets? Of course they flaming forget, they forget to go to sleep!

(News Source:- BBC Newsround)

 

April the pregnant giraffe has been up the duff for fifteen months

The internet is going absolutely bonkers and doolally over a gorgeous giraffe named April, who resides in the Animal Adventure Park in New York, as she patiently gets closer and closer to the very special day that she is due to give birth.

aprilgiraffe

(Picture source – Animal Adventure Park Giraffe Cam / YouTube)

giraffewatch

(#GiraffeWatch – with Brian Fantana)

Fifteen months with child, eh? Blimey! Whoever invented that sequence of events wants to drive this poor beast completely mad with the wait and boredom. I guess you can’t rush perfection in such a magnificent creature. You know those jigsaw puzzles with many bits and the difficult corners? That’s what nature is putting together in this womb, a giant, intricate, long-necked, tessellating jigsaw puzzle. Also, allegedly giraffes use their necks for sex. But that’s another story entirely. Which can be found here if you are feeling curious, horny or curiously horny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/earth/story/20160629-giraffes-did-not-evolve-long-necks-to-reach-tall-trees

At any rate, it looks like it going to be at least April before the magic happens, as her due time is still uncertain but it is meant to be really close now. I can’t take the suspense any more, it’s killing me! I guess I can fit in a few more episodes of The Walking Dead and the entire season of Iron Fist when it comes out later this month on Netflix  to stop my sweaty palms messaging April’s zookeepers every day with:-

“Is it ready? Is she there yet? Deliver it already, puhleease! Ohhhh she must be close now! Squeeeeeeeeeee!”

I really need to get some better hobbies. And many years of therapy.

(News Source:- Today.com & all over your Facebook feeds in the little gaps not dominated by Trump)

 

Paternity leave and beer? A winning combination

Brewdog brewery are offering paternity leave for employees who have just adopted a dog.

brewdogbeerdog

(Picture source – @BrewDog/Twitter)

Yes, you heard that correctly. Those kind folks at Brewdog are offering their employees a week’s paternity leave to allow them to look after their newly adopted furbaby.

This is fantastic. In that case I will try to get hired by them and adopt a new dog every week. I cannot lose!

drinktothat

(Actually now that I come to think about it, that’s a lot of pooper scooping. I may have to adopt a new dog every other week or I’m going to run out of plastic doggy bags).

(News Source:- Today.com)

 

It’s plane to see a tiny mouse causing big trouble for a recent British Airways flight

A London to San Francisco flight earlier this week was delayed for four hours after a mouse was spotted inside the plane causing mischief and scurrying around like he owned the place.

The passengers were swiftly moved to another gate and then swiftly left to wait for hours to board the new plane leaving many people feeling ratty.

micememe

(Of mice and meme)

For those of you who are old enough to have seen the film ‘The Abominable Dr Phibes’ with Vincent Price (made in 1971, crikey!) and the disturbing rats/plane scene in particular (the whole film is ridiculous and they made a sequel, which is also terribly over the top funny and gruesome too), it is completely understandable that you would not want to be on a flying machine miles above the ocean floor when Mr Mousekawitz decides it would be an excellent time to chew through the engine cables because he is a little peckish.

Unconfirmed reports claim that Samuel L. Jackson was on board the plane itself and has bought the rights to the screenplay.

He is thinking about making a sequel to his B-Movie hit “Snakes on a Plane” and plans on calling it “Rats Going Nuts On A Runaway Train”.

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Yeah, the title needs work and is a bit cheesy but the sequel is definitely going places.

(News Source:- Nature World News)

 

I did think about doing more but then I got tired and decided to go take a nap. For 20 hours.

sloth

Want more animal news stories? Got any stories that you want to share with us? Or just want to tell me how much you hate all of my puns? (But they are the best bit! That makes me furrious) then don’t forget to leave a comment below and join in the fun, we’d love to hear from you 🙂

Until next time friends – keep smiling 🙂

boop

Posted in Humor

Fifty Shades… of Greyskull

I wrote out a post the other day, and earlier I completely destroyed it. Why, you might ask? Because Nudge Wink is supposed to be funny. It’s supposed to offer up witty insights in what’s happening in the world, yet my earlier post wasn’t funny and it wasn’t insightful. I made a pledge when I started writing it to not discuss You-know-who, as frankly I’m sick of him, but without taking aim the obvious orange elephant in the room, what is there to say? What material exists that can transform this post from a thoughtful yet unfunny monologue, to something that has you aching from side-splitting laughter? So much so that if you’re reading this at work, you say to your boss:

greyskullbusy

I wish to entertain you, yet this meerkat feels out of creative juice. At least, he’s all out if he wants to be original and try something different.

Maybe I’ll regal you with a chapter from my upcoming novel…

fiftyshadesgreyskull

Or not. It’s badly written trash anyway (I wonder what that reminds me of?)

So where do we take this introspective little post? Especially if we wish to avoid You-know-who? I could speak of work – but who wants to hear about the world of bathroom sales? Such a post wouldn’t make much of a splash.

timonannoyed2

Come on, pull yourself together. You’re better than this.

He’s right, I can do better. I’m just not sure I can do better right now. My dismay with the world is frustrating me.

On the horizon though, is a bright light. One that allows my full geek to show. One that I have been waiting for since forever. Something that I’ll talk to you about all night, even if we were down the pub, and you were trying to get away from me. I keep dreaming about it – it’s invading my subconcious and my every waking thought. What is it that keeps a meerkat so excited? This:

switchhandheld

What is it you ask? The Nintendo Switch. I get to finally touch one in more or less a week’s time, and let me tell you, I am going to cry when I do. Yes, this meerkat is likely to well up when he gets hold of this device. I owe my mother big time for making this happen – thank you mum! It will transform cold and damp February into dramatic and epic adventure March. I will leave behind the wretched politics of this world for the world of Hyrule and take a journey to meet old friends.

You know what? This is going to be my sage advice to you all. Every time You-know-who does something stupid, we gobble it up and give him airtime. Let’s stop doing that. Let’s stop giving the spoilt toddler so much attention and simply walk away. Drink beer. Play games. Hug loved ones. Go for a walk. Take a deep breath and detox from him. Remind yourselves of what’s good in this world, and of what you enjoy. Deny him battle, and when the time is right, choose a fresh fight of your choosing. Be good to each other.

 

Posted in Floridaborne, Humor

How retirement is like eggplant

))))****SPECIAL RETORT****((((

So special, I had it coming.

For anyone in the blog-o-sphere who cares, I retired on December 1.

Oh…you already knew that?  Well excuse me for…

what was I saying?

BELCH.

Damn that Eggplant Parmesan!  Do you know how much cheese and spaghetti sauce it takes to hide the taste of grey vegetable matter?

I may be forgetful but…

    No, I don’t look like this       

I look like this hair.jpg 

And I can do this and this 

Just a wee bit of difference, wouldn’t you say?

Yes, I retired

For 2 months and 8 days.

There’s something about standing in a food line for 2 hours that screams, “This is not your finest moment!”

Eight eggplants, two cans of spaghetti sauce, a half gallon of almond milk, and a frozen chicken later, I’m looking at my sister-in-law, who has been doing the food line thing for years, and ask, “How do you cook eggplant?”

When you’re 20, you don’t consider the fact that you’ll be living on less than a 16-year-old  makes working in the fast food industry 20 hours a week.

…or that you’ll have to eat

**shudder**

eggplant!

It might’ve helped if I hadn’t cashed out my retirement plan for those Metallica tickets 25 years ago.

But, alas, I digest digress.

As fate would have it, the person taking my place did not inherit the clerical gene, nor was he well endowed with the over abundance of OCD required to keep a non-profit agency from being pay-backed into oblivion because a useless document was two days overdue.   

The phone call I received 2 months and 2 days into that financial hell called “retirement” went something like this:

World’s nicest boss, “Uh….would you…uh…do you think…could you come back to work for a few months until we can…”

Me (silently):

Then, after I finished my happy dance, I said, “Certainly.”

Will I be back at work for a month?  Seven?  The rest of my life?

I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be working for as long as they can stand to have me around.

The one good thing that came from retirement:  Writing!!!!

Unfortunately, it takes money to pay for editing.

Retirement might kill me yet, but I’d rather not have my books die with me.

Don’t be sad for the guy who tried his hand at becoming a useless bureaucrat.  He’s traveling around teaching people important stuff while I’m sitting at a desk doing this.

TASTES LIKE EGGPLANT

It’s called a win-win situation.  He gets to use his brain, I get to save money for editing and…

!!!!AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL NEVER EAT EGGPLANT AGAIN!!!!