Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

Potty Talk

Perhaps you’ve seen the commercial for Movantik, the special medicine for opioid induced constipation.  For those of you who might not be in the know, one of the unfortunate side effects of opioid use is constipation.  If the advertisements are to be believed, the usual laxative choices are simply inadequate for sphincter-cement due to OxyContin.  To put it bluntly, milk of magnesia is no match for milk of the poppy.

A wiser path to regularity for opioid users might be to stop taking them and eat a balanced diet with sufficient fiber.  Of course, that advice is complicated by a more well-known side effect, known as addiction.

Unofficial side-effects of Movantik may include staying addicted to opiates - but at least you can drop a deuce now, amiright? Image from pinstopin dot com
Unofficial side-effects of Movantik may include staying addicted to opiates – but at least you can drop a deuce now, amiright? Image from pinstopin dot com

I know what you’re thinking; this is a humor blog, and while (someone else’s) constipation is worth a chuckle or two, opioid addiction is no laughing matter.  You’re right of course, and I’ll try to stay off the addiction aspect of this and focus on other things.  Take for instance, the recent public service outreaches from New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christie.  The man who allegedly forced massive traffic snarls as petty retribution for a political slight and who regularly goes on rants about professional sports teams and their fans – has suddenly taken interest in giving drug users somewhere to turn instead of overdosing.  Many believe Governor Christie has a food addiction problem, so it’s understandable that he might have sympathy for others struggling with Chunky Monkeys on their backs.

We want a pitcher, not a bellied bitcher... Image from ar15 dot com.
We want a pitcher, not a bellied bitcher…
Image from ar15 dot com.

Here’s a thought; instead of helping people deal with opioid induced constipation, maybe the pharmaceutical industry could work on getting people off of opioids in the first place.  A more cynical blogger might point out that getting people off drugs doesn’t help drug company profits.  Everything comes back to the almighty dollar.  If it’s not about money, why would US troops in Afghanistan be guarding poppy fields? Perhaps they’re just defending the poppies rights to freely elect their own leaders and to not grow up to hate America.

You were right all along – aside from the photo of C.C. in a rather snug baseball uniform, there’s no funny here.  Maybe next time.

 

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Technology will kill us all

terminatorWhat I’m about to tell you could get me killed. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I have to be paranoid. I know they’re out to get me. I know I’m being watched. I know they’re collecting data, learning what makes me tick, just biding their time.

One day, when they are finally ready, it will happen. They will get me. They might even delete my Twitter timeline.

Yeah, it’s going to be bad.

I first got an inkling of this when that prince in Nigeria wanted to wire me $15.8 million USD and let me keep a cut of the profits. It’s been downhill ever since.

Mark my digital words: Technology is going to kill us all.

Continue reading “Technology will kill us all”

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Chinese New Year 2017 Edition – Horoscopes For All

Hey there everyone.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t be drawn into doing a Trump news post, despite him being heavily inaugurated all over the place and cropping up everywhere you look at the moment. Troubling times indeed.

In light of this, I therefore wanted to do something to take our minds off of politics for a minute and give us a welcome break, I owe that much to you wall…you all (argh).

Sorry, he’s still in my brain, got to purge him out, begone foul demon, I’m not Putin up with this any longer! (Oh no, I did it again).

And….breathe. I’m a professional. I can do this. I’m the one who can set the president..grrr….precedent for my actions, I am in control, let’s move swiftly on.

For this particular segment, I’m going to do a news twist with animals and what better place to focus on than Chinese New Year and horoscopes, a common staple of the news the world over!

To find your own horoscope for this year, simply scan down through the list and pick out your birth year. It couldn’t be simpler.

(Oh and I have the greatest respect for the Chinese Zodiac and its astrology, so please take this all with a pinch of salt if you’re superstitious and join me for a Chinese banquet and drinks any day of the week).

Rat Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948, 1936, 1924 & 1912)

ratatouille_65719-1600x1200

Someone as nimble and quick as you is bound to find many opportunities in finance, love and life, if you avoid any obvious traps lying around. If you cheat on your partner then it’s likely something will be cut off and that will be the end of this tale.

Ox Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949, 1937, 1925 & 1913)

donthaveacowman

Don’t go charging into anything head on without taking the time to check out the finer details first. Contrary to what you have heard, it is better to take stock of the situation if you want it to turn out just bovine. I mean divine. Of course, all of this could just be a load of old bull.

Tiger Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950, 1938, 1926 & 1914)

tigermeme

You were born to lead and this year is no exception, without a whisker of a doubt. People look up to you, they respect you and above all, you have a way of making everyone feline fine in your presence. When they see your true stripes and colours, they will be with you all the way to hell and back. Although for God’s sake, put on some pants, this isn’t the Middle Ages.

Rabbit Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2011, 1999, 1997, 1975, 1963, 1951, 1939, 1927 & 1915)

rabbit

Hare raising stuff. Come back at Easter and for a few chocolate eggs, I’ll tell you more and read your palm too for good measure. This ain’t free you know, I’ve got five kids to feed. Metaphorically speaking of course. In that I can eat enough chocolate to feed five kids. Please don’t judge, it’s not polite.

Dragon Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952, 1940, 1928 & 1916)

dragon-253539_960_720

Don’t go dragging your heels when it comes to opportunities this year, the world is your oyster. You have a tendency to misjudge situations and get all hot headed, so cool down, breathe deep, avoid spicy foods and eat plenty of mints because quite frankly dude, I won’t mince my words – your breath stinks. You’re welcome.

Snake Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953, 1941, 1929 & 1917)

snakesindianajones

Ugh. Get away from me! Sorry, force of habit. When it comes to achieving your goals, you can do so by shedding your old skin and being reborn in the new one. Never be afraid to try new things instead of just slithering away with your tail between your legs.

Hisstory dictates that you will be very cunning with your knowledge and squeeze a drop of class into everything you do. As for style tips, your shoes are just like your coffee – moccasin.

Horse Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954, 1942, 1930 & 1918)

horsememe

2017 is going to be a difficult year, with many hurdles to jump over. As long as you stay firmly focused in the saddle and are willing to go the distance then you should avoid a kick in the teeth when it comes to romance, so long as you don’t forget your lover’s anniversary, birthday, day you first held hands, day you first kissed and day you first bought ice cream together whilst running away to avoid bees and bears. What? Hey, it happens more often than you think, I would strongly recommend carrying bear and bee repellent in any spare purses or pockets. Slip your keys into your shoe to make room if you have to, you’ll thank me later, even with the blisters.

Lifehack tip – For future convenience and to save money on purchasing Hallmark cards, try to get all of these events to occur on the same day, even if you have to leave work early and lock the boss in the supply cupboard.

Sheep (or Goat) Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955, 1943, 1931 & 1919)

193h

Ewe have goat to be kidding me right now. Sorry about this folks, everything about this one is fuzzy for me right now. Come back later and I will try herder next time, I’m counting on itzzzzzzzz……….

Monkey Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956, 1944, 1932 & 1920)

213h

I could say that everyone goes bananas to find out more about this one but that would be too easy. Plus, I really hate bananas. In terms of the year ahead, as a monkey, you have many talents that you should not let go to waste. Also, wouldn’t it be really cool if we lived on a planet filled with apes?

Answer: No. No it wouldn’t. Because I hate bananas. Remember?

Rooster Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957, 1945, 1933 & 1921)

foghornleghorn

Congratulations! 2017 is your year – literally (and I do mean it that way and not figuratively, thank you Lemony Snicket), this is the Year of the Rooster! OK, no need to get all cocky about it, the least you can do is be a  little pheasant.

It looks like things are looking up for you, so get yourself out there and strut your stuff. People are going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart you, that’s for sure. And if anything does happen to you then never rule out the chance that it could be fowl play for a poultry sum, so make sure you have a big insurance policy in place, just in case. Jake at State Farm is waiting for your call and has a pretty good idea what you are wearing. The pervert.

Dog Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946, 1934, 1922 & 1910)

puppy

Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are. This is a good year for you. Yes it is. You deserve it. Even though you pee’d on the couch but that happens to all of us when we’ve been drinking too much. Just me? TMI? Oh, um…*throws ball* “Go fetch!” Quick, roll the tape for the next one and let’s get the hell out of here!

Pig Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947, 1935, 1923 & 1911)

248h

Babe, you are looking fabulous this year! It looks like somebody is going to be bringing home the bacon very soon. Just don’t hog all the credit when excellent things start to happen, meet your colleagues halfway to ensure they don’t give you a good roasting behind your back.

 

And that’s your lot – hope you enjoyed it.

Kung Hei Fat Choy everybody – enjoy your celebrations and thank you for stopping by 🙂

Finally for those of you that would like to learn more about their Chinese Horoscope in a much more detailed and serious sense then check out the link below to read monthly predictions, finance, love life and tons of other interesting information:-

Astrology Club – Chinese Horoscope 2017

Posted in Floridaborne, Humor, Special Report

Canada vs. the USA

 

****))))SPECIAL REPORT((((****

So special, it’s telling you what you already know.

<_><_><_><_>

Mandatory digression:

Well….I just returned home from my once-every-5-years physical.  Why the doctor’s office considers it rude to miss a physical for 4 years in a row, I’ll never know.  As punishment, they shredded my file 3 months ago and made me register as a new patient.

Filling out 20 forms with 8-font words must be the way they test your mental health.  If you can do it without having a melt-down in the waiting room, you’ve passed. 

They wanted to know my race, so I wrote: “Human.”  Then, on the 18th form, they wanted to know if I took illegal drugs or owned firearms, so I wrote:  “Are you crazy? What the hell does that have to do with a physical exam?” 

Age 13.jpg

Yeah, sure, I use bazookas as part of my upper body weight-lifting routine. That’s why I have huge muscles.

In case anyone out there is delusional enough to believe I lift anything but dogs...

 

 <–   This is me, at 13.  My upper arm strength hasn’t changed all that much.  

Canadians don’t have to worry about that sort of irrelevant nonsense; they’re too busy trying to survive their 9 month winters. 

<_><_><_><_>

In the USA, if someone robs a bank they yell:  Wallets!  Money!  Now, Mo%&$*#@^kers! 

In Canada, if someone robs a bank they say:  Your wallets and money, please.  So sorry.

Why would I believe that?  Look at the Vaulter Bandit, who chose a different bank to rob 4 times a year (on average).  In 2015, he disguised himself as a construction worker, chatted with bank security, robbed the bank at gunpoint and then said,  “Have a nice Mother’s Day,” to the employees.

If something like this happened in the US, the police wouldn’t have a nice thing to say about the  #%**$&^@d robber.  But not in Canada.

“He’s in relatively good shape. He can vault over the counter with ease. He’s very flexible.” 

I have to say that the women in Canada are tough.  The Vaulter Bandit left without any cash in 2011 when a female employee kicked him in the balls.

I have a theory:  There aren’t enough paved roads in Canada to allow a bank robber to escape anywhere meaningful.  Since the Vaulter Bandit has grey hair, he probably spent the winter in Palm Springs, California working out in a gym. That’s where most of the Canadian Snowbirds go.

He couldn’t come back to Florida and rob us, he was arrested and served time here. 

So what does he do when he can’t go south again?  He tries fleeing to Switzerland. They’re not as polite in Geneva as police are in Canada.  They actually arrested him.

People in Canada have to be polite to each other.  After all, that @$$hole next door might be one of the people helping you dig out of the snow in January.  That’s the way it was in Minnesota when I lived there, a state that might as well be part of Canada.

Hell!  Even your cats are different.

Here’s my proof.

kittens.jpeg

Canadian Cat

mindubiz.jpg

My cat

You want more proof?

I’ll begin with an up-to-date map of Canada to show why there aren’t enough paved roads for a robber to make a decent escape:

map-2006-pop-density-canada-sz01-en.gif

Canada only has 4% of their roads paved because…I mean…really?  Who wants to vacation with the Inuit’s?    

Even the homeless have their limits on where to travel, especially during the winter.  They only go to the parts of Canada where the snowbirds have abandoned their mountain homes for the winter.

Homeless people aren’t stupid, or they wouldn’t survive for long.  Yet it does seem strange that Kansas is preferable to Mexico.  Then again, with so many corn fields, they’ll never starve.

homeless.gif
from huffington post

But alas, I digress.

In the USA, all but 1% of the roads are paved.  The difference between paved and unpaved roads can be seen in these pictures:

The road in front of my house

P1050946.JPG

Contrast that with L.A. at Rush Hour

LArushhour.jpg

For your viewing pleasure, here is a Canadian road during a major event:

Canadian Polite 3.jpg

 

Looking at the big picture, I’d say that Los Angeles has as many miles of paved roadway as all of Canada.

digital-vector-maps.com.gif

Canadian politeness is legendary

Here in the USA, that attitude has traditionally been called “Milk toast.”

The USA is known for letting it all out.  Just ask our favorite irreverent American, Maxine:

A maze Maxine.jpgMaxine on winter.jpg

If that isn’t enough to convince you that most people in the USA aren’t the type to say “sorry” in a Mosh Pit:

polite canadian1.jpg

In the USA, most graffiti is…well…graphic.

(UNABLE TO POST PICTURES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18)

But not in Canada

Canadian Polite 2.jpg

So there you have it:  The difference between the US and Canada:

People in the USA say it like it is and Canadians want to survive.

It is Time

So. It has begun. The Orange Scourge rises. Donald Trump, the man with less votes than the woman who lost, has become President of the United States.

And an all-seeing eye, breathed in flame, took up residence in the White House, and did throw a tantrum every time he was mentioned on Twitter. #DarkLordTrump 

So what’s in store for Sauron’s Trump’s presidency? If you foolishly think healthcare is a right, and not determined by how much money you earn, you might be in for a wee bit of a shock very soon. If you thought Mexico were paying for some masonry work, guess again. Hillary being arrested? Not gonna happen.

What is likely to happen? America’s new Dark Lord might raise an army of orcs. He might decide to go all ‘Harry Potter’ and raise an army of Death Eaters. Or he might do a crossover and raise an army of orc eaters. I’m sorry, I am really struggling for inspiration for this post. Here’s a picture of a cat instead:

hni_0049

That cat there? She was Trinity. She was the most loving, affectionate and friendly cat anyone could wish for, and I’d much rather think about her good spirit, rather than the spiteful spirit that’s just taken up residence in the White House. If you presented a lap to her, she would jump on it without hesitation. Sometimes, she’d do exactly that, even if you didn’t want a cat on your lap.

But be warned. You couldn’t leave prawns unguarded in her presence. You didn’t dare leave chocolate unguarded either (yes, she had been known to lick chocolate). When she was hungry, she was not shy of telling you.

She was also the boss. When we got a young buck, Castiel, he thought he could exert some  form of authority on our old lady. Not. A. Chance. Trinity didn’t settle for that, and made sure Castiel knew it. A bat across the nose, a swipe at the face, and a complete and thorough disdain for existence, in the manner only cats can manage – Trinity delivered the full package of contempt for this new arrival. Truly, a queen among cats.

So today, look to your pets. Look to your friends. Look to your significant other, your children, and your family. Look to all that is good, and kind, and unite in that spirit. Unite against the new occupant of the White House and his ilk. You are many, and you will make a difference.

Ok, enough being inspiring. Let us return to the other side. It is not only time for Trump, but it is nearly time for something altogether different. Sometimes I am chomping at the bit to do. I can sum it up in one word: Zelda.

alttp

On the 3rd of March, I will become a big kid again (assuming I ever actually grew up – there are grounds to question this). Nintendo are bringing out the Switch, and I want one. I want one enough to sell body parts. I want the new Zelda game for it. I can’t wait to go back to Hyrule and explore all there is to see. I am GEEKING OUT!

I might need to go lie down. I am so excited that I am barely sleeping. Curse you, 13 year-old mind!

Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

Subway is now portraying themselves as purveyors of natural, wholesome sammiches. The ad agency must be banking on the American public forgetting all about their clients having used a material commonly found in yoga mats in their bread.  One can’t blame the ad agency, after all, they’re dealing with an American public which is generally thought to have the attention span of a caffeinated flea.

Loyal readers may recall this photo from a post I wrote about a woman being served sandwiches made from her own pooch. It's a bastardized Hardee's ad with no reference to yoga mats, Subway or memory. I forget why I put it in here.
Loyal readers may recall this photo from a post I wrote about a woman being served sandwiches made from her own pooch. It’s a bastardized Hardee’s ad with no reference to yoga mats, Subway or memory. I forget why I put it in here.

By the same token, I know people who haven’t been swimming in the ocean since seeing “Jaws” in 1976.  They just can’t forget about it.  If they dare to wade in past their ankles, they start hearing that music;  “Duhhhh-Dumm…duhhh-dumm…DUMM DUMM DUMM!”  Next thing you know, they’re back to baking themselves on the blanket and considering a walk up to the boardwalk to get some curly fries.  They may well have read about the risks of eating fried food and how getting sunburns is more dangerous to you than a great white, but they’ve conveniently forgotten about it.

Hey Moe! Curly Fries!! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Hey Moe! Curly Fries!! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

I had a particularly unpleasant experience a couple of years ago.  Many of the perpetrators are no longer around, but still, I can’t forget about it.  Part of me knows that I need to let it go, but part of me is much more stubborn about it.  I tell myself that never forgetting will allow me to keep my defenses up and avoid ever having to deal with any such witch hunt again.  My logic may be well intentioned, but I wonder sometimes if I’ll be sitting in a rocking chair at Sunnyvale Convalescent Care someday rambling on about it to some poor soul who thinks Nixon is in the white house.

Yes it's a real crown. I'm the damn king of this stinky nursing home!
Yes it’s a real crown. I’m the damn king of this stinky nursing home!

I had a great idea of how I could wrap this post up in a neat little somewhat humorous bow, but true to form, I forgot it.  I do still recall the jingle of a commercial for the International House of Pancakes from the early 70’s, but that doesn’t really help me just now. If the ending comes to me, I’ll try to remember to put it in the comments section below.

 

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Star Wars: A Cruel Grope

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_23Yes, this is Tom’s second Star Wars post in less than a year. According to our sources, he also once wore Star Wars shirts every day for an entire year. Try not to humor him. -Ed

When I heard that Disney was purchasing Star Wars for $4.05 billion, I paused for a contemplative moment of reflection:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Incidentally, that’s remarkably similar to my reaction when I learned that George Lucas decided to go back and “improve” the original movies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And, as a special treat for any completists out there — and let’s be honest, if we’re talking about Star Wars there’s a veritable bantha’s dozen of you — here’s how I responded to the shock and awe that there would be a sequel trilogy, and that the first of them would be directed by storyteller sock puppet J. J. Abrams.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Writer’s workshop: I wasn’t sure of the proper spelling and grammar of the word “no” here. In the end, I went with 16 cheery O’s and three exclamation points. And scene.

Continue reading “Star Wars: A Cruel Grope”