Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Customer Wars Episode II: The Bulldog

timonannoyed2

We all know the human equivalent of a Jack Russell (read, small yappy dog with a Naepoleon Complex). They’re aggressive beyond their standing, making demands and picking fights to prove their worthiness in the eyes of… well I’m not too sure who they’re trying to impress. Other people.

Confession time, I made a bit of a mistake here. I meant to phone someone and I didn’t, so the swift replacement of some damaged unit legs wasn’t arranged. Ho hum. My bad. However, said damaged legs were collected from the store some 7-10 days before they were fitted, but within that time they weren’t checked!

timonannoyed

I mean, come on. I get what you’re saying about the quality control at the factory (because it’s perfectly reasonable to expect 100% quality control across thousands of goods), and sure, we could have checked it in the store – but then again, so could you! So no, we won’t be reimbursing you for time lost and other jobs lost because of the hassle over one set of legs you didn’t check whilst in your possession for several days (and breathe). In fact, seeing as you told me you will deliberately not do those jobs just so you can invoice my employer, I don’t think you have any credibility.

I wish I could say this is an isolated incident, but it’s really not. I had another experience at my previous job with the human equivalent of the bulldog. A big, burly man whose vocabulary was limited to a collection of four letter words. Ok, so he had cause to be slightly aggrieved (but neither myself nor my colleagues can bend technology to our will for a customer’s benefit). Does this grant him the right to launch into a sweary tirade? No! In fact, swearing at me is less likely to achieve the desired outcome.

See, here’s the thing. You might think your rant at the salesperson or floor assistant is so epic and so devastating that you’ll get exactly what you want, but if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. By all means, quote the name of whatever Act covers consumer law in your country – it might help if you understood it as well? Just a friendly suggestion. You can be bullish and threaten to cancel orders (oh no guys, our multi-million pound business is going to lose a thousand pounds – we’d better bend over backwards for this guy who is in the wrong – that was sarcastic by the way). In the end, we won’t help you and we’ll actually mock you savagely once you’re out the door (and I mean brutally, as in your moustache is badly clipped).

timonhappy

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

A Weiner in the News

It's a pic of a dog with a nasty overbite smoking a cigarette. I'm just out of ideas, so sue me.
It’s a pic of a dog with a nasty overbite smoking a cigarette, and it’s not even a weiner dog. I’m just out of ideas, so sue me.

I’ve tried to be a good blogger, I really have. I’ve struggled to come up with something interesting to write about, despite my fairly mundane existence. I’ve really made an effort to not be one of those lazy shits who can’t bothered to come up with an original idea and just re-blogs old crap….but dammit, Anthony Weiner can’t help himself and I had this post written months and months ago…and well…I’m sorry, I’m just gonna go ahead and do this…just this once…forgive me boss-lady….

Here’s my exclusive interview with Anthony Weiner’s weiner, again.  Click on that link, you probably won’t catch anything.

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We Will Never Regret

neverforgetBear with me. What you are about to read is not exactly cohesive. It’s going to flit about. I’m going to hop around. Jump up, jump up, and get down. Face down. On the ground. Buried in a mound. This is a blues riff in ‘B’, watch me for the changes, and try and keep up, okay?

Abyss is filmed before a live studio audience with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven human in a court of law.

Tomorrow, Sunday, September 11, 2016, marks the fifteen year anniversary since planes crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center or, as Wikipedia likes to call it, the “September 11 attacks.”

Now then… I wonder? Hmm. How to commemorate such a date? I’m not sure. I don’t know much but I do know this: It’s gotta be classy. It’s gotta be sensitive. It’s gotta maintain a certain level of decorum. It’s gotta be enlightened. It’s gotta have panache, style, and aplomb.

I know! 💡 There’s only one time-honored quintessentially American way to do this right. With a sale!

By Grabthar’s hammer, what a savings!

Continue reading “We Will Never Regret”

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Is it me or is summer…oops, too late, it’s gone

Hear that sound? That’s the sound of summer passing. With the ringing of the school bell, parents everywhere are muttering, “I know I shouldn’t wish my life away but it’s time. I NEED MY LIFE BACK!”

Even if you don’t hold down a full-time paid position of some kind of soul (sucking or fulfilling, you choose) job, summer is intense. It’s not that parents don’t enjoy spending every freaking waking moment of summer vacation with their kids. For the first few weeks it’s a wonderful feeling to have your child’s undivided attention.

Then they turn into that thing you hate most. The bored child. They eye-ball your every move. Continue reading “Is it me or is summer…oops, too late, it’s gone”

Posted in Humor

SIZE MATTERS

 

****))))SPECIAL REPORT((((****

So special, it took 10 minutes of research today instead of the usual 5.

Size matters!

This is a picture of me walking the son.  I wore size 10 in 1978.

July 1978 size 10.jpg

This is a picture of me in Morocco with my daughter.  I was wearing a size 6 in 2004. 

Half blind author and daughter.jpg

Do I look any bigger in the first picture than in the second?

The answer is a resounding NO!!! (Except for the breasts.  Nursing makes your breasts bigger)

Anyway, I was 36-26-35 when the first picture was taken and 34 ½-25-35 in the second picture. 

In case you’re wondering, I just measured myself.  I’m 35-30-35 1/2.  That’s because I ate a sandwich on Dave’s Seed Bread (it’s to die for!) and it caused my waist to expand 4 inches.  It’s called Gastroparesis, and…!NO!…I don’t care if it feels like I have a piece of iron the size of a watermelon in my stomach.  Some things in life are worth a little pain.

But not THIS much pain:

corset.jpeg

I do have my limits, too.

My, BAID (My, but alas I digress)

If you think you’re controlling your weight stupendously because you used to be size 14 and now you’re size 10, THINK AGAIN.  It’s nothing but a slight of hand sandwich with a side order of delusion-fries.

You still don’t believe me?  

YEAR                     SIZE

In 1931               size 16  This is what I would’ve been wearing had I been alive.

In 1971               size 12

NOTE:  That’s the size I was wearing before I had my first child, ballooned to 186 in 1976 (the “huge flowers with a choice of 3 stretch pants in a warehouse store” size), and dropped to a size 10 by 1978.

In 2001                 Size 8   

In 2011                  Size 6   

2016                       a very snug Size 6  

…and if you STILL don’t believe me, look at the size charts  (From Wikipedia US STANDARD SIZE CLOTHING.   I just gave my $5 to these people for the year, so this information better be accurate.

Pattern sizes – DuBarry / Woolworth (1931-1955)[1]
5’3″–5’6″ tall, average: bust (3″ < hips), waist (9″ < hips)
Dimension/size 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 18 20 40
Bust 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 36 38 40
Waist 23 23.5 24 25 26 27 28 30 32 34
Hip 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 39 41 43

 

Misses’ sizes (PS 42-70)[2] (1971)
5’2½”–5’6½” tall, average bust, average back
Dimension/size 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 22
Bust 31½ 32½ 33½ 35 36½ 38 40 42 44
Waist 22½ 23½ 24½ 26 27½ 29 31 33 35
Hip 33½ 34½ 35½ 37 38½ 40 42 44 46
Back-waist length 14½ 15 15¼ 15½ 15¾ 16 16¼ 16½ 16¾

 

Misses’ sizes (ASTM D5585 95(R2001)) (1995, revised 2001)
5’3½” – 5’8″ tall
Dimension/size 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20
Bust 32 33 34 35 36 37½ 39 40½ 42½ 44½
Waist 24 25 26 27 28 29½ 31 32½ 34½ 36½
Hip 34½ 35½ 36½ 37½ 38½ 40 41½ 43 45 47

 

Misses’ sizes (ASTM D5585 11e1)[3] (2011)
5’5½” tall
Dimension/size 00 0 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20
Bust 31⅛ 31¾ 33 34⅛ 35¼ 36¼ 37¼ 38¾ 40⅜ 42⅛ 44 46
Waist (Straight) 25⅜ 26⅛ 26⅞ 27⅝ 28½ 29½ 30½ 32¼ 34 36 38¼ 40½
Waist (Curvy) 23⅞ 24⅝ 25⅜ 26⅛ 27 28 29 30¾ 32½ 34½ 36¾ 39
Hip (Straight) 33¼ 33⅞ 35⅛ 36⅜ 37½ 38½ 39½ 41 42½ 44¼ 46 48
Hip (Curvy) 34 34⅝ 35⅞ 37⅛ 38¼ 39¼ 40¼ 41¾ 43¼ 45 46¾ 48¾

I’m not going to go into Junior and Women’s sizes.  The men are, no doubt, already bored since there’s nothing in this post about beer.

This is what a size 16 woman looked like in 1931

1930 woman.gif
Didn’t these people eat?

 

This was considered the ideal woman in the 1970’s

lois lane.jpg

Fansshare.com

In comparison, this is considered the ideal woman today:

from sports illustrated.jpg
businessinsider.com

 

In another 20 years the ideal size 6 woman will be the epitome of indecent explosure:

telegraph.com.uk

What are stick-figure people like me supposed to do after we work our husbands to death and start looking for #6 when we’re 84 years old? I won’t be able to compete with the latest size 6 fashion models!

I’m doomed, I tell you…. DOOMED!!!!

Are you seeing red, too?

Posted in Carla Louise, Humor, News

Australian Census, Politics and The Creation of Idiocy

So, as many of you probably know, I’m Australian.

Which sounds awesome. And it is, most of the time.

I bet, when you think of Australia, you picture sandy beaches and a laid-back culture (which, for the most part, it is).

Well, recently we had a vote for who our new Prime Minister would be (as well as senators and the like).

Which should be important, but we Australians go through Prime Ministers like Hogwarts goes through Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers.

Voting

However, our biggest fail so far is electing three seats of a party known as “One Nation” into parliament. Continue reading “Australian Census, Politics and The Creation of Idiocy”

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Haiku News! A Round Up Of The Weekly News & Commentary in Haikus

Hello everyone.

Who would like something different for a Saturday evening?

(No! Not that! I’m not climbing into a cake for you no matter how much you are willing to pay me. And I really like cake but there are some things a man just won’t do to pay the bills.)

Where the hell was I? Oh yes, on with the show!

May I present to you all, a Weekly News Round Up & Commentary made up entirely of haikus!

(If you don’t know what haikus are then I suggest you hurry up and find out before all our teas and coffees get cold – hurry up, chop chop! Here’s a handy guide for you:-

Wikipedia – Haiku

I thought it was about time to combine my love of poetry with the news, so here we go! Continue reading “Haiku News! A Round Up Of The Weekly News & Commentary in Haikus”