Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Pumpkins Get No Respect

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is just over a week away and pumpkins everywhere are busy being stabbed, sliced, jabbed, disemboweled, and carved into outdoor decor for your front porch. Where they’ll sit until they rot and the stench becomes so strong it attracts feral cats and winos.

Pumpkin carving is an art. Most of us see pumpkin carving as a craft and try to DIY them into something cute. Something that makes a child go all “ooh” and “ah.”

That is not the purpose of a pumpkin. Pumpkins distain cute. Pumpkins don’t want to bring a smile to your face. Pumpkins want to be the scariest part of your day come October 31.

So when P.U.S. (Pumpkins United Society) contacted me to help get the message across, I agreed. I said I’d take a stab at carving out a post as long as they didn’t hold a knife to my throat. Continue reading “Pumpkins Get No Respect”

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Repeal the 19th? Yeah, Nah

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t tend to put my more serious and thoughtful posts here, on the Nudge Wink Report – and don’t worry, that isn’t about to change!

Except, it kind of will, with this post. I’ll be combining humour with politk. Well, I’ll be trying to.

Twitter has recently had a trending hashtag. #Repealthe19th. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the amendment to the US Constitution that granted women the right to vote. Why is a hashtag about removing this right trending? Because someone did a poll somewhere that showed if women are allowed to vote, Hilary Clinton would become President. If women aren’t allowed to vote, Lucifer Trump becomes President.


Yeah… nah.

Come on guys! Are we still at a point where we think more with our little brain than our big brain? (did I just admit mine was little?)

We aren’t voting along gender lines, surely? Well, as an Englishman, I’m not voting at all, but you know what I mean.

Yes, Hilary is a woman. No, she isn’t weaker than a man. She isn’t less intelligent than a man. She may well not be perfect – but news flash – nor is Trump!!! Guess what – one of  them has years of experience in politics – the other has presided (ha!) over several failed businesses. Who cares what’s between their legs? Is that actually relevant???

And breathe. This ‘kat is getting angry.

But lets face it. This hashtag isn’t trending because of anything other than misogyny. Yup, I went there. It’s because there are plenty of men out there who hate the idea of women being treated as equals, and the idea that a woman might be in the White House in a few months’ time makes them do this:


BlogDramedy, I hope I haven’t stolen your thunder for Saturday, but this had to come out. Like when you’re desperate to pee, it had to happen. I was actually doing the toilet dance whilst writing this.

Posted in Humor

America …. What The Fuck?

Dear America,

I don’t get you. At all.

I mean, firstly, this confusion started when I discovered you don’t really do tea. Or have kettles.

Image result for cup of tea

This is a mistake on your part, America. Tea – proper tea, brewed tea – is amazing. And not having kettles is seriously weird.

Also, I’ve always been flabbergasted by the fact that you don’t use the Metric system. I mean, Celsius and metres, Americans. Come the fuck on.

Image result for you guys to celsius

However, things have gotten more serious than your lack of tea and kettles and the fact that you use Fahrenheit and not Celsius.

Donald Trump is potentially going to be your next President, and we need to seriously talk about this, because it’s one thing to have shitty coffee and pumpkin spice lattes and no kettles for your tea, but it is another to be this close to the election when a sexist, misogynistic, racist, bigot, sexually-assaulting predator is potentially going to become your President.

And will then, of course, have access to your nuclear weapons.

That we need to talk about.

And we need to talk about the facts, because some of you seem to not understand facts.

  1. Bill Clinton is not running for President.
  2. Yes, a woman accused Bill Clinton of rape.
  3. However, her accusations weren’t proven. There wasn’t enough evidence for a trial. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t raped, but it’s been almost 40 years. That doesn’t make her experience mean any less, but the reality is it can’t be proven. At all. Even if she had gone straight to the police, it’s quite likely nothing would have happened.
  4. That is a fault on the justice system. In regards to rape, we’re pathetic (not just Americans … mainly world-wide).
  5.  I doubt Bill Clinton went to his wife and said he had sex with another woman, let alone that he raped her. Whilst I don’t doubt that Hillary thanked Juanita, Juanita’s statement of what Hillary said doesn’t reflect a threat to me. However, I can understand that, if she had been raped, her reflections and interpretations might have felt that way. And that’s perfectly acceptable … but it doesn’t mean Hillary threatened her.
  6. Hillary did not harass at twelve-year-old rape victim. She defended a client she didn’t want to defend, and he happened to be a rapist. Her duty, as a defence lawyer, was to defend her client. This is not the same as harassing a twelve-year-old.
  7. While defending a rapist may seen reprehensible to you, you also have to remember that people are innocent until proven guilty. The man was entitled to a defence.
  8. You cannot scream that Hillary is the devil incarnate, but turn a blind eye when judges – like the judge in Brock Turner’s case – give minimum, light, or no sentences in regards to rape. The jury has found him guilty: the judge has given a shit sentence. Who is worse? The person that was hired to do a job … or the person that, after being presented with the evidence and a guilty verdict, decided the rapist deserved “better”?
  9. Trump is sexist.
  10. Trump has admitted to sexual assault, and implied that he has sexually assaulted women before and since.
  11. Trump is racist.
  12. Trump is a bigot.
  13. Trump changes his mind regularly.
  14. Trump has no clear policies.
  15. The policies Trump has aren’t good.
  16. Hillary is literally the better candidate.
  17. Yes, you have other options … but Trump or Hillary is going to be elected. You need to pick one. It’s probably better if it’s not the guy who thinks sexual assault is okay.

America: the rest of the world is counting on you.

Don’t fuck this shit up. It’s not forgivable if you fuck this up the way it is when you screw up the tea thing.

This shit is real.

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Haiku News, Part Two! A Round Up of Spooky Stories – Halloween Special

Hello everyone – have I got news for you!

(Have I? Half the time I’m don’t know whether I’m coming or going and that’s on a good day if I can find my emergency pack of biscuits).

So, what have we got on the table for you to sink your teeth into today? Well, since I got such a positive response from my previous report that took swipes at the news through the medium of haikus, I’ve been jonesing to try out some more.

And since we have Halloween around the corner, I thought it would be fun to focus on spooky news stories for this report. Plus, you also get:-

Two times the action/danger/pulse-pounding excitement/pumpkins spiced product placement!

Many times the mystery and suspense! (Especially if you watch this with the lights off or better yet while you are having a powercut then the suspense will be unbearable)

And heads are going to explode!

(Actually, I sincerely hope they don’t because I can always do with the repeat business, along with not having to shampoo out the carpet).

Here we go then people, this is what you came here for and this is what I am going to deliver!



Creepy clown sightings

All over America

My mistake. It’s Trump


(Original news story:- 9news – Creepy clown sightings spook America)


AI gains power

Machines making human slaves

Murdered by toasters


(Original news story:- Live Science – The Spooky Secret Behind Artificial Intelligence’s Incredible Power)


Want to see some ghosts?

Thermographic cameras

Or just buy some pets


(Original news story:- Red Herring – Discover your own poltergeist)


Poetic Poe Fans

Raving about these beauties

Cold feet? Nevermore


(Original news story:- GeekDad – Sock It To Me’s Spooky New Styles)


Dr Who is real!

Egyptians changing light bulbs?

Nah. Pyramid scheme


(Original news story:- Daily Express – Rare hieroglyphs showing ‘Egyptians with electrical light bulbs are proof of time travel’)


Condoms into space

For alien invasions

Pack loads, tentacles


(Original news story:- Daily Express – Kinky Swedes prepare for alien romp: Campaign calls for NASA to send condoms into space)


What’s scary about

Underwater museums?

Lots if you can’t swim


(Original news story:- The Weather Channel – Lanzarote’s spooky underwater museum)


Huge moths with skull marks

Swarming into Britain soon

Cripes, I’m done! Taxi!


(Original news story:- Daily Express – Giant MOTHS with spooky SKULL-shaped markings swarming into Britain)


Happy Halloween folks! Enjoy the month of October, stay safe and eat lots of candy🙂


Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Customer Wars Episode II: The Bulldog


We all know the human equivalent of a Jack Russell (read, small yappy dog with a Naepoleon Complex). They’re aggressive beyond their standing, making demands and picking fights to prove their worthiness in the eyes of… well I’m not too sure who they’re trying to impress. Other people.

Confession time, I made a bit of a mistake here. I meant to phone someone and I didn’t, so the swift replacement of some damaged unit legs wasn’t arranged. Ho hum. My bad. However, said damaged legs were collected from the store some 7-10 days before they were fitted, but within that time they weren’t checked!


I mean, come on. I get what you’re saying about the quality control at the factory (because it’s perfectly reasonable to expect 100% quality control across thousands of goods), and sure, we could have checked it in the store – but then again, so could you! So no, we won’t be reimbursing you for time lost and other jobs lost because of the hassle over one set of legs you didn’t check whilst in your possession for several days (and breathe). In fact, seeing as you told me you will deliberately not do those jobs just so you can invoice my employer, I don’t think you have any credibility.

I wish I could say this is an isolated incident, but it’s really not. I had another experience at my previous job with the human equivalent of the bulldog. A big, burly man whose vocabulary was limited to a collection of four letter words. Ok, so he had cause to be slightly aggrieved (but neither myself nor my colleagues can bend technology to our will for a customer’s benefit). Does this grant him the right to launch into a sweary tirade? No! In fact, swearing at me is less likely to achieve the desired outcome.

See, here’s the thing. You might think your rant at the salesperson or floor assistant is so epic and so devastating that you’ll get exactly what you want, but if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. By all means, quote the name of whatever Act covers consumer law in your country – it might help if you understood it as well? Just a friendly suggestion. You can be bullish and threaten to cancel orders (oh no guys, our multi-million pound business is going to lose a thousand pounds – we’d better bend over backwards for this guy who is in the wrong – that was sarcastic by the way). In the end, we won’t help you and we’ll actually mock you savagely once you’re out the door (and I mean brutally, as in your moustache is badly clipped).


Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

A Weiner in the News

It's a pic of a dog with a nasty overbite smoking a cigarette. I'm just out of ideas, so sue me.
It’s a pic of a dog with a nasty overbite smoking a cigarette, and it’s not even a weiner dog. I’m just out of ideas, so sue me.

I’ve tried to be a good blogger, I really have. I’ve struggled to come up with something interesting to write about, despite my fairly mundane existence. I’ve really made an effort to not be one of those lazy shits who can’t bothered to come up with an original idea and just re-blogs old crap….but dammit, Anthony Weiner can’t help himself and I had this post written months and months ago…and well…I’m sorry, I’m just gonna go ahead and do this…just this once…forgive me boss-lady….

Here’s my exclusive interview with Anthony Weiner’s weiner, again.  Click on that link, you probably won’t catch anything.

Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We Will Never Regret

neverforgetBear with me. What you are about to read is not exactly cohesive. It’s going to flit about. I’m going to hop around. Jump up, jump up, and get down. Face down. On the ground. Buried in a mound. This is a blues riff in ‘B’, watch me for the changes, and try and keep up, okay?

Abyss is filmed before a live studio audience with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven human in a court of law.

Tomorrow, Sunday, September 11, 2016, marks the fifteen year anniversary since planes crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center or, as Wikipedia likes to call it, the “September 11 attacks.”

Now then… I wonder? Hmm. How to commemorate such a date? I’m not sure. I don’t know much but I do know this: It’s gotta be classy. It’s gotta be sensitive. It’s gotta maintain a certain level of decorum. It’s gotta be enlightened. It’s gotta have panache, style, and aplomb.

I know! 💡 There’s only one time-honored quintessentially American way to do this right. With a sale!

By Grabthar’s hammer, what a savings!

Continue reading “We Will Never Regret”