Archives for category: Humor

Okay!  I admit it! I haven’t written anything for NWR in…in

Dear God! 

SIX MONTHS?

Where did the thyme go?

Ah, the spice of life; hair today, gone tomorrow. If you don’t believe it, you haven’t seen what’s left on my head.

Over-dramatic representation

What’s new in the news world? 

Not much. 

Same old stories about rape gangs in Europe, civil war in Africa, famine, garbage islands the size of Australia in the Pacific, radioactive tuna, people of all races/colors/creeds fighting over wrongs that happened centuries ago while human trafficking happens right in front of them.

In other words, we never learn a D@%&#d thing.

Hmm…what do I want for breakfast?

That has to wait until I feed the cats, or they’ll be trying to steal my turkey ham and eggs.

Hey…something interesting on social media.  Poor woman!

I know, I know, what’s wrong with me, us, the world?  I actually found the non-medical term for it:

Yes, we are suffering from a bad case of OCD:

Other Countries Deficits

….and ADD

Any Distraction (will do) Disorder.

One day, I’ll donate the 20 blankets I don’t use to charity.  One day, I’ll go through my fridge and find the remains of that apricot cobbler I couldn’t finish.  Someday I’ll give $10 a month to help fight female genital mutilation…

Oh, look!  I don’t have to be concerned about 3rd world problems any longer!

I’m sooooo relieved!

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Anyone who’s been keeping an eye on The Nudge Wink Report may have noticed it’s been quiet. I can’t confess to know why for everyone else, but for me, it’s been all about work – new job means new time constraints and a change to my patterns – there’s been a bit of a learning curve!

However, I am still here and I hope I speak for everyone else when I say so is The Nudge Wink Report. We’re an eccentric, nutty bunch of satirists (is that a word?) and we’re here to save the world, one bad pun at a time!

Bit of a double-header, this. Firstly, apologies for not posting when I should have – I know you were all desperate to see what else Darth Timon had to say, so to the millions of you reading this who I have let down – I am sorry. Secondly, apologies for posting out of turn, but better to do this now, whilst I remember and have time, than to forget, which between my memory and my circumstances, is a distinct possibility.

So, where have I been? Well, the short answer is that I started a new job. The long answer is that I have been here, there and everywhere, which adds up to one very tired meerkat. I’ve spent four days up in Doncaster on training, I’ve been to Cambridge and Enfield for meetings, I’ve taken part in three changeovers (more on that in a mo), all inside the month and a half that I’ve been in my new job. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it.

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I’m not even completely sure what day it is, thanks to the hectic schedule I’ve had.

In short, I used to sell bathrooms, now I sell sofas. Different pace, different philosophy and an opportunity to make a lot more money. It was a risk to leave where I was, but then, there were risks with staying put too. Still, I hadn’t banked on having to hoist sofas around on only my second day, nor ending up doing this twice more since I’ve been there. Sofas are heavy – who knew?

A week up in Doncaster for training was quite interesting, having never done anything like that before – heading further north might have meant colder weather, but surprisingly, it wasn’t too bad – and the hotel food… I may have over-indulged, every single night. There was however, one huge downside to that – it overlapped with a major event, something I’d been looking forward to since… well, the start of last year – Star Wars. I missed seeing the new movie with my wife and daughter for the sake of this new job, so it definitely owes me for that.

What else is going on? Well, aside from the hustle and bustle of a new job, it’s been a fairly quiet Christmas and life continues to tick by without too much fuss, which is how I like it really. I just wish the cold snap would end and we could have some heat!