Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, News, Views

What To Pack For A Trip To Saudi Arabia

(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.

The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*

The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”

Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.

Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack.  A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.

Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.

Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.

Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.

Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?

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Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.

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Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…

White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.

Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.

Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.

Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.

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I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!

Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”

“We are not here to lecture — to tell other peoples how to live, what to do or who to be. We are here instead to offer partnership in building a better future for us all.”

You give good satire, sir.

Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, Views

A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend

Dear America,

Hi there, girlfriend! How you doing? It’s been, like, forevs since we’ve had a chance to get dishy with it and go all sharesies with some hard-core alternative facts. *big wink*

Mea culpa, I take full responsibility for not checking in. Been busy reinventing my entire life, in the aftermath of finding out I was involved with a cheater and his Danish married girlfriend (how do you say sad sausage in Danish?)…which made me think of psychopath, which led me to personality disorder, and of course, THAT reminded me about you and the new addition to your life!

Huh, the way our minds work, eh? Swipe left, swipe right…like Tinder only not gross and creepy. Mostly.

It was just last year you were talking about expanding your family to welcome in someone “emotionally-challenged” and it’s been, what? Almost four months now with whatshisname…Dingle, Dongle, Doofus…oh, I remember! Donald! How’s that working for you, sweetie?

I so admire you for spit-balling your personal integrity and just going for it. Oorah, MarineContinue reading “A Letter To America, My Bigly Sad Friend”

Posted in Blogdramedy, News, Trends, Views

You Put Lipstick On A Lizard, It’s Still A Lizard

What the fucking fuck?

I could write this week about politics and plagiarism but I’m having a moment.

Just over a year ago, Ashley Madison users were “outed” after a major hack of their database. People who thought they were in a loving, mature relationship discovered they were actually living their lives with four-year olds who happened to have credit cards. Continue reading “You Put Lipstick On A Lizard, It’s Still A Lizard”

Posted in Humor, Views

#JeSuisNice

Today, I was going to post a letter apologising about the idiots Australia has elected into senate positions. (Don’t worry, I still will, just not today.)

However, in light of what’s happened throughout the world, it just doesn’t feel right today. I’m still struggling to deal with what happened in Nice, and now with Turkey’s military out of control … it just doesn’t seem right.

I’m not a religious woman, and even if I was, it’d be clear now that prayers aren’t working. However, I still think that we should think of those lost, those wounded, and those who are have been affected by what has happened.

#JeSuisParis

#JeSuisBangladesh

#JeSuisIstanbul

#JeSuisBaghdad

#JeSuisOrlando

#JeSuisNice

#JeSuisTurkey

Remember, the Daesh are our enemy. Not Muslims.

Posted in Attitudes, Floridaborne, Humor, Views

Life Sucks, Then There’s Thanksgiving Dinner.

Yes, I admit it.  I wrote this post BEFORE looking at what someone else had written.  I have a good excuse, writing a 68,373 word novel in the first 19 days of November for NaNoWriMo and still keeping up with my day job.

Life sucks, and then there’s Thanksgiving dinner. What’s the best way to stay calm in the culinary storm?

calmturkey

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Yes, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow in the USA.  Time to

  • burn the turkey,
  • whip up a quick gravy mix with more chemicals in it than a science lab,
  • open a can of mystery cranberry product, and
  • put so much brown sugar in the sweet potatoes that the token diabetic goes into sugar shock.
sweetpotato casserole
Only 1000 calories per teaspoon.

 

From what I gleaned from my usual 5 minute search of the Internet,  a poll says that Turkey is the favorite food for Thanksgiving, and the least favorite dish is green bean casserole. 

greenbeanjpg
Vomit is more appealing

Who knew?  HINT:  Anyone who has ever been invited to the bosses house on T-day and felt obligated to force it down their throat.

That poll was from 2005, leading me to believe that Thanksgiving polls are not all that popular. 

Personally, I rank Thanksgiving one notch higher than New Years Eve. Why the hell does any woman want to spent 10 hours in the kitchen while the men watch football, and people yell at each other for 20 minutes as they shovel food into their mouths, then spend 2 hours more cleaning up the mess?  Not me!

Turkeymax

The best Thanksgiving starts on Saturday so that I can have Turkey and the trimmings all week at my leisure!  Then I have an entire turkey-free day to polish my attack plan for Cyber Monday.  I think I’ll start with Puritan Pride this year.  I need more Vitamin D.

tofurky
How about some delicious tofurky to go with your green bean casserole?

Today, I have a poll of my own to conduct.  Just write your answer in the reply section below and feel free to vent your turkey heart out!

  1.  What is your favorite Thanksgiving activity?

a.  Cooking, baking and cleaning.

b.  Listening to relatives fight over dinner.

c.  Forget the relatives! I buy turkeys on sale for 59 cents a pound, boil the hell out of them and freeze the meat in packets so I’ll have meat for the next 3 months.

d.  I’d rather have a root canal without anesthetic than be within 100 miles of a relative at Thanksgiving.

e.  Other (this includes going out to eat alone or with someone who isn’t going to remind you of how many ways you’ve disappointed them over the years).

burrito
Quick, delicious, and easier to throw at your relatives than a turkey.

 2.  What is your favorite Thanksgiving dinner?

a. Turkey, dressing, gravy, sweet potatoes—you know…the usual.

b. Tofurky and vegetables (anything from Artichokes to Zucchini)

c. Burritos, burgers or barbecue.

d. Ham, macaroni and cheese, and don’t forget the green bean casserole.

e. Skip the dinner and go straight for the pie.

 optimistturkey

  1. How much weight do you gain between Halloween and New Year’s Eve each year?

a.  People hate me because I never gain a pound.

b.  1 – 10 pounds.

c.  11 – 20 pounds.

d.  21 – 40 pounds.

e.  Just shut up and pass me the entire bowl of egg nog!

That’s all the questions I have for you at this time.  I look forward to your answers….I think.