Hilarious comic-tary on news, views, and attitudes. Publication days are bendy. We're creative and love the sound of deadlines as they…are those pretzels?
Taking a Twitter break is not a good idea. I took off a few weeks months, and came back and tweets go from 140 characters to 280 characters and now Trump is starting to make sense. This may shock you but I have zero pull with Twitter and have a better chance of Lake Bell liking one of my tweets (which she totally did btw!) than convincing Twitter to edit back their decision. #bitchtweet
If you watch the news through the bottom of an empty tequila bottle, things don’t look half bad. Read the rest of this entry »
(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)
Dear President Trump:
Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.
The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*
The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”
Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.
Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack. A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.
Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.
Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.
Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.
Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?
Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.
Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…
“White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.”
Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.
Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.
Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.
I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!
Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”
So, yesterday was the finale of the Eurovision Song Contest 2017 and I’m sad to say that the United Kingdom didn’t place very highly at all (as for the winner, well done Portugal!)
In honour of the musical masterpieces displayed this year (and every year) in the Eurovision Song Contest, I thought it would therefore be fun to sum up some of the biggest news articles of the last week from around the world in musical numbers 🙂
Hold on to your hats, glasses, purses and umbrellas folks, here we go.
Bruce Dickinson – Laughing in the hiding bush – Sean Spicer, Not So Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed
When it comes to delivering daily (mis)information (including the biggest and best whoppers that any press pool has ever witnessed. Period!) Sean Spicer is not one to beat around the bush or to hedge his bets. His attempts to explain and justify the daily horrors that spew out of the current US Administration are admittedly tricky business. He plants his words carefully, even when they are laced with seeds of doubt announcing the daily nefarious actions of his flip flopping boss.
This week however, Sean found himself in a bit of hot water and lost in the wilderness, as Trump laid waste to FBI Director Comey on Tuesday evening, in a move that left many people in the press reeling as to why Comey was being fired in the midst of the investigations into Russian collusion in the 2016 Election.
As for poor old Sean…well, he was pretty much doing this when the press came knocking at his door for answers…
The Bangles – Walk Like An Egyptian – Ancient Mummies and Improving Tourism
Yesterday also happened to be Mother’s Day in the US, so it seems fitting to have a story about Mummies in this ‘playlist’ too.
Egyptian archaeologists have discovered an ancient burial site holding at least 17 mummies, most of them fully intact, which could date back two millennia. The mummies themselves are believed to be approx 2,300 years old, which is exactly how old Mothers feel after dealing with their toddlers for a day.
Nowadays though, with shows like the The Walking Dead surging in popularity, I think that there is a much more appropriate term for our tireless (and very tired) Mothers who do everything for their kids.
Foo Fighters – Learn To Fly (because if not then in Japan it’s going to be death from the skies)
Over in Japan, things are very much turning into The Fifth Element, Back To The Future and possibly even Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (if you are old but still young at heart like me).
Flying cars are becoming a reality? Cool, I guess that means we can strike one of these off the official list! Also, don’t get me started on time travel, I’d probably go back and change so much that it would be a full time job and I’d have to uninvent it just to lead a normal life. Hey, maybe that happened already and that’s why we don’t have time travel right now. I think I will put “Invented Time Travel” on my CV, now that I have the rationale for why it doesn’t currently exist. Genius! 🙂
Flight of the Conchords – Foux Du Fafa – Macron defeats Le Pen and he writes her out of the big picture
It was nail biting stuff in France this week, as Emmanuel Macron squared off against Marine Le Pen in an election that could have resulted in another potential political disaster with a female Trump equivalent from the far right taking up the reigns of France.
As with Trump and Brexit, I thought that this result would end up going pear shaped too and bring on an early heart attack for me and rest of the free world.
However, Macron went on to have a two thirds vote landslide victory, which is heartening to see, I honestly think that it will be for the benefit of the country and the European Union to have Macron steering the ship, particularly since he is very compassionate in a lot of his policies. It would also appear that two thirds of the voting population of France agrees with me.
My Doctor is going to be happy now that I can cancel my anxiety medication prescription for a week at least (or until the next Trump Executive Order gets drafted up).
Weird Al Yankovic – Livin’ in the Fridge – Food safety at home and abroad
Nice try Time magazine but you aren’t going to scare me away from my fridge! Also the filthiest place in my kitchen is actually the kitchen (until I’ve tidied it up).
Want more musical inspired news? Or just want to suggest other songs that I should check out myself? Then drop me a line with your suggestions and maybe it can become a regular feature 🙂
Thanks for reading, hope you had fun and until next time, keep dancing friends.
News Source:- 
nudge. wink. report. 