Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, News

What I Learned This Week

Taking a Twitter break is not a good idea. I took off a few weeks months, and came back and tweets go from 140 characters to 280 characters and now Trump is starting to make sense. This may shock you but I have zero pull with Twitter and have a better chance of Lake Bell liking one of my tweets (which she totally did btw!) than convincing Twitter to edit back their decision. #bitchtweet

If you watch the news through the bottom of an empty tequila bottle, things don’t look half bad. Continue reading “What I Learned This Week”

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Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, News, Views

What To Pack For A Trip To Saudi Arabia

(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.

The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*

The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”

Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.

Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack.  A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.

Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.

Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.

Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.

Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?

Screen Shot 2017-05-19 at 1.10.42 PM

Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.

90

Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…

White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.

Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.

Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.

Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.

58bde1d11a00003700f41f7d

I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!

Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”

“We are not here to lecture — to tell other peoples how to live, what to do or who to be. We are here instead to offer partnership in building a better future for us all.”

You give good satire, sir.

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

This Week’s Major News Headlines In Musical Numbers (Thanks Eurovision!)

Howdy all.

So, yesterday was the finale of the Eurovision Song Contest 2017 and I’m sad to say that the United Kingdom didn’t place very highly at all (as for the winner, well done Portugal!)

In honour of the musical masterpieces displayed this year (and every year) in the Eurovision Song Contest, I thought it would therefore be fun to sum up some of the biggest news articles of the last week from around the world in musical numbers 🙂

Hold on to your hats, glasses, purses and umbrellas folks, here we go.

 

Bruce Dickinson – Laughing in the hiding bush – Sean Spicer, Not So Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed

When it comes to delivering daily (mis)information (including the biggest and best whoppers that any press pool has ever witnessed. Period!) Sean Spicer is not one to beat around the bush or to hedge his bets. His attempts to explain and justify the daily horrors that spew out of the current US Administration are admittedly tricky business. He plants his words carefully, even when they are laced with seeds of doubt announcing the daily nefarious actions of his flip flopping boss.

This week however, Sean found himself in a bit of hot water and lost in the wilderness, as Trump laid waste to FBI Director Comey on Tuesday evening, in a move that left many people in the press reeling as to why Comey was being fired in the midst of the investigations into Russian collusion in the 2016 Election.

As for poor old Sean…well, he was pretty much doing this when the press came knocking at his door for answers…

SeanSpicer

News Source:- Sean Spicer ‘hides in bushes’ as reporters look to question him over Donald Trump firing James Comey

 

The Bangles – Walk Like An Egyptian – Ancient Mummies and Improving Tourism

Yesterday also happened to be Mother’s Day in the US, so it seems fitting to have a story about Mummies in this ‘playlist’ too.

Egyptian archaeologists have discovered an ancient burial site holding at least 17 mummies, most of them fully intact, which could date back two millennia. The mummies themselves are believed to be approx 2,300 years old, which is exactly how old Mothers feel after dealing with their toddlers for a day.

MomCoffee

Nowadays though, with shows like the The Walking Dead surging in popularity, I think that there is a much more appropriate term for our tireless (and very tired) Mothers who do everything for their kids.

Mombie

News Source:- Mummies found in Egypt ancient burial site

 

Foo Fighters – Learn To Fly (because if not then in Japan it’s going to be death from the skies)

Over in Japan, things are very much turning into The Fifth Element, Back To The Future and possibly even Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (if you are old but still young at heart like me).

Flying cars are becoming a reality? Cool, I guess that means we can strike one of these off the official list! Also, don’t get me started on time travel, I’d probably go back and change so much that it would be a full time job and I’d have to uninvent it just to lead a normal life. Hey, maybe that happened already and that’s why we don’t have time travel right now. I think I will put “Invented Time Travel” on my CV, now that I have the rationale for why it doesn’t currently exist. Genius! 🙂

things-im-still-waiting-for

News Source:- Toyota ‘backs flying car project’ in Japan

 

Flight of the Conchords – Foux Du Fafa – Macron defeats Le Pen and he writes her out of the big picture

It was nail biting stuff in France this week, as Emmanuel Macron squared off against Marine Le Pen in an election that could have resulted in another potential political disaster with a female Trump equivalent from the far right taking up the reigns of France.

Stressed

As with Trump and Brexit, I thought that this result would end up going pear shaped too and bring on an early heart attack for me and rest of the free world.

However, Macron went on to have a two thirds vote landslide victory, which is heartening to see, I honestly think that it will be for the benefit of the country and the European Union to have Macron steering the ship, particularly since he is very compassionate in a lot of his policies. It would also appear that two thirds of the voting population of France agrees with me.

My Doctor is going to be happy now that I can cancel my anxiety medication prescription for a week at least (or until the next Trump Executive Order gets drafted up).

CatastropheNews Source:- French election results: Emmanuel Macron says France facing ‘immense task’ to rebuild European unity as he defeats Marine Le Pen

 

Weird Al Yankovic – Livin’ in the Fridge – Food safety at home and abroad

Nice try Time magazine but you aren’t going to scare me away from my fridge! Also the filthiest place in my kitchen is actually the kitchen (until I’ve tidied it up).

DirtyKitchen

News Source:- These Are the Filthiest Places In Your Kitchen

 

The Bonedrivers – Gimme’ Lightning – Because every News Report talks about and finishes with the weather even if it is all the way over in Instanbul

I got nothing for this one. I just wanted to include both this excellent song and Istanbul as another international location 🙂

Istanbul

Actually, let’s finish this news entry with another song about the weather too by one of the very best bands in the world.

News Source:- Fatih Mosque is seen as lightning strikes over the Istanbul skyline during a thunderstorm on May 7, 2017 in Istanbul, Turkey

 

And that’s your lot for this time round.

Want more musical inspired news? Or just want to suggest other songs that I should check out myself? Then drop me a line with your suggestions and maybe it can become a regular feature 🙂

Thanks for reading, hope you had fun and until next time, keep dancing friends.

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Animal News From Around The Globe

Hey there everyone.

Since it’s still technically the weekend for a few more hours (at least in the US anyway), why don’t we all unwind with some fun stories about my favourite subject.

No, not cake!

Although that would be an excellent idea come to think of it, I’ll bear that in mind for the next thrilling installment 🙂

cake

Get ready for some animal news, views and commentary from around the globe.

(Why animals you say? Because they are freaking adorable! And usually good for a laugh too – OK, let’s go!)

 

African elephants may be shortest-sleeping mammals

elephantnose

African elephants are one of the largest mammals on the planet and you would think that with that comes plenty of time spent under the blankets.

Researchers have found out however that African elephants in the wild sleep an average of two hours a day and regularly go nearly two days without sleep.

Are you kidding me? Two days? And only two hours kip? I want to take a nap every ten minutes and doze for at least twenty hours at a time like my spirit animal the sloth or there will be hell to pay. Two days without sleep and I’m going to be trampling people underfoot and not even notice they were there. No wonder wild elephants are angry. I’d be flaming furious.

What about the old phrase an elephant never forgets? Of course they flaming forget, they forget to go to sleep!

(News Source:- BBC Newsround)

 

April the pregnant giraffe has been up the duff for fifteen months

The internet is going absolutely bonkers and doolally over a gorgeous giraffe named April, who resides in the Animal Adventure Park in New York, as she patiently gets closer and closer to the very special day that she is due to give birth.

aprilgiraffe

(Picture source – Animal Adventure Park Giraffe Cam / YouTube)

giraffewatch

(#GiraffeWatch – with Brian Fantana)

Fifteen months with child, eh? Blimey! Whoever invented that sequence of events wants to drive this poor beast completely mad with the wait and boredom. I guess you can’t rush perfection in such a magnificent creature. You know those jigsaw puzzles with many bits and the difficult corners? That’s what nature is putting together in this womb, a giant, intricate, long-necked, tessellating jigsaw puzzle. Also, allegedly giraffes use their necks for sex. But that’s another story entirely. Which can be found here if you are feeling curious, horny or curiously horny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/earth/story/20160629-giraffes-did-not-evolve-long-necks-to-reach-tall-trees

At any rate, it looks like it going to be at least April before the magic happens, as her due time is still uncertain but it is meant to be really close now. I can’t take the suspense any more, it’s killing me! I guess I can fit in a few more episodes of The Walking Dead and the entire season of Iron Fist when it comes out later this month on Netflix  to stop my sweaty palms messaging April’s zookeepers every day with:-

“Is it ready? Is she there yet? Deliver it already, puhleease! Ohhhh she must be close now! Squeeeeeeeeeee!”

I really need to get some better hobbies. And many years of therapy.

(News Source:- Today.com & all over your Facebook feeds in the little gaps not dominated by Trump)

 

Paternity leave and beer? A winning combination

Brewdog brewery are offering paternity leave for employees who have just adopted a dog.

brewdogbeerdog

(Picture source – @BrewDog/Twitter)

Yes, you heard that correctly. Those kind folks at Brewdog are offering their employees a week’s paternity leave to allow them to look after their newly adopted furbaby.

This is fantastic. In that case I will try to get hired by them and adopt a new dog every week. I cannot lose!

drinktothat

(Actually now that I come to think about it, that’s a lot of pooper scooping. I may have to adopt a new dog every other week or I’m going to run out of plastic doggy bags).

(News Source:- Today.com)

 

It’s plane to see a tiny mouse causing big trouble for a recent British Airways flight

A London to San Francisco flight earlier this week was delayed for four hours after a mouse was spotted inside the plane causing mischief and scurrying around like he owned the place.

The passengers were swiftly moved to another gate and then swiftly left to wait for hours to board the new plane leaving many people feeling ratty.

micememe

(Of mice and meme)

For those of you who are old enough to have seen the film ‘The Abominable Dr Phibes’ with Vincent Price (made in 1971, crikey!) and the disturbing rats/plane scene in particular (the whole film is ridiculous and they made a sequel, which is also terribly over the top funny and gruesome too), it is completely understandable that you would not want to be on a flying machine miles above the ocean floor when Mr Mousekawitz decides it would be an excellent time to chew through the engine cables because he is a little peckish.

Unconfirmed reports claim that Samuel L. Jackson was on board the plane itself and has bought the rights to the screenplay.

He is thinking about making a sequel to his B-Movie hit “Snakes on a Plane” and plans on calling it “Rats Going Nuts On A Runaway Train”.

rattrain

Yeah, the title needs work and is a bit cheesy but the sequel is definitely going places.

(News Source:- Nature World News)

 

I did think about doing more but then I got tired and decided to go take a nap. For 20 hours.

sloth

Want more animal news stories? Got any stories that you want to share with us? Or just want to tell me how much you hate all of my puns? (But they are the best bit! That makes me furrious) then don’t forget to leave a comment below and join in the fun, we’d love to hear from you 🙂

Until next time friends – keep smiling 🙂

boop

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Chinese New Year 2017 Edition – Horoscopes For All

Hey there everyone.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t be drawn into doing a Trump news post, despite him being heavily inaugurated all over the place and cropping up everywhere you look at the moment. Troubling times indeed.

In light of this, I therefore wanted to do something to take our minds off of politics for a minute and give us a welcome break, I owe that much to you wall…you all (argh).

Sorry, he’s still in my brain, got to purge him out, begone foul demon, I’m not Putin up with this any longer! (Oh no, I did it again).

And….breathe. I’m a professional. I can do this. I’m the one who can set the president..grrr….precedent for my actions, I am in control, let’s move swiftly on.

For this particular segment, I’m going to do a news twist with animals and what better place to focus on than Chinese New Year and horoscopes, a common staple of the news the world over!

To find your own horoscope for this year, simply scan down through the list and pick out your birth year. It couldn’t be simpler.

(Oh and I have the greatest respect for the Chinese Zodiac and its astrology, so please take this all with a pinch of salt if you’re superstitious and join me for a Chinese banquet and drinks any day of the week).

Rat Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948, 1936, 1924 & 1912)

ratatouille_65719-1600x1200

Someone as nimble and quick as you is bound to find many opportunities in finance, love and life, if you avoid any obvious traps lying around. If you cheat on your partner then it’s likely something will be cut off and that will be the end of this tale.

Ox Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949, 1937, 1925 & 1913)

donthaveacowman

Don’t go charging into anything head on without taking the time to check out the finer details first. Contrary to what you have heard, it is better to take stock of the situation if you want it to turn out just bovine. I mean divine. Of course, all of this could just be a load of old bull.

Tiger Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950, 1938, 1926 & 1914)

tigermeme

You were born to lead and this year is no exception, without a whisker of a doubt. People look up to you, they respect you and above all, you have a way of making everyone feline fine in your presence. When they see your true stripes and colours, they will be with you all the way to hell and back. Although for God’s sake, put on some pants, this isn’t the Middle Ages.

Rabbit Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2011, 1999, 1997, 1975, 1963, 1951, 1939, 1927 & 1915)

rabbit

Hare raising stuff. Come back at Easter and for a few chocolate eggs, I’ll tell you more and read your palm too for good measure. This ain’t free you know, I’ve got five kids to feed. Metaphorically speaking of course. In that I can eat enough chocolate to feed five kids. Please don’t judge, it’s not polite.

Dragon Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952, 1940, 1928 & 1916)

dragon-253539_960_720

Don’t go dragging your heels when it comes to opportunities this year, the world is your oyster. You have a tendency to misjudge situations and get all hot headed, so cool down, breathe deep, avoid spicy foods and eat plenty of mints because quite frankly dude, I won’t mince my words – your breath stinks. You’re welcome.

Snake Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953, 1941, 1929 & 1917)

snakesindianajones

Ugh. Get away from me! Sorry, force of habit. When it comes to achieving your goals, you can do so by shedding your old skin and being reborn in the new one. Never be afraid to try new things instead of just slithering away with your tail between your legs.

Hisstory dictates that you will be very cunning with your knowledge and squeeze a drop of class into everything you do. As for style tips, your shoes are just like your coffee – moccasin.

Horse Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954, 1942, 1930 & 1918)

horsememe

2017 is going to be a difficult year, with many hurdles to jump over. As long as you stay firmly focused in the saddle and are willing to go the distance then you should avoid a kick in the teeth when it comes to romance, so long as you don’t forget your lover’s anniversary, birthday, day you first held hands, day you first kissed and day you first bought ice cream together whilst running away to avoid bees and bears. What? Hey, it happens more often than you think, I would strongly recommend carrying bear and bee repellent in any spare purses or pockets. Slip your keys into your shoe to make room if you have to, you’ll thank me later, even with the blisters.

Lifehack tip – For future convenience and to save money on purchasing Hallmark cards, try to get all of these events to occur on the same day, even if you have to leave work early and lock the boss in the supply cupboard.

Sheep (or Goat) Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955, 1943, 1931 & 1919)

193h

Ewe have goat to be kidding me right now. Sorry about this folks, everything about this one is fuzzy for me right now. Come back later and I will try herder next time, I’m counting on itzzzzzzzz……….

Monkey Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956, 1944, 1932 & 1920)

213h

I could say that everyone goes bananas to find out more about this one but that would be too easy. Plus, I really hate bananas. In terms of the year ahead, as a monkey, you have many talents that you should not let go to waste. Also, wouldn’t it be really cool if we lived on a planet filled with apes?

Answer: No. No it wouldn’t. Because I hate bananas. Remember?

Rooster Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957, 1945, 1933 & 1921)

foghornleghorn

Congratulations! 2017 is your year – literally (and I do mean it that way and not figuratively, thank you Lemony Snicket), this is the Year of the Rooster! OK, no need to get all cocky about it, the least you can do is be a  little pheasant.

It looks like things are looking up for you, so get yourself out there and strut your stuff. People are going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart you, that’s for sure. And if anything does happen to you then never rule out the chance that it could be fowl play for a poultry sum, so make sure you have a big insurance policy in place, just in case. Jake at State Farm is waiting for your call and has a pretty good idea what you are wearing. The pervert.

Dog Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946, 1934, 1922 & 1910)

puppy

Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are. This is a good year for you. Yes it is. You deserve it. Even though you pee’d on the couch but that happens to all of us when we’ve been drinking too much. Just me? TMI? Oh, um…*throws ball* “Go fetch!” Quick, roll the tape for the next one and let’s get the hell out of here!

Pig Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947, 1935, 1923 & 1911)

248h

Babe, you are looking fabulous this year! It looks like somebody is going to be bringing home the bacon very soon. Just don’t hog all the credit when excellent things start to happen, meet your colleagues halfway to ensure they don’t give you a good roasting behind your back.

 

And that’s your lot – hope you enjoyed it.

Kung Hei Fat Choy everybody – enjoy your celebrations and thank you for stopping by 🙂

Finally for those of you that would like to learn more about their Chinese Horoscope in a much more detailed and serious sense then check out the link below to read monthly predictions, finance, love life and tons of other interesting information:-

Astrology Club – Chinese Horoscope 2017

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor, News, Special Report

It’s A Wrap

Jingle jingle jingle!

Happy [fill in the blank with your holiday of choice because we can’t be bothered to referee any fights that break out because we used a holiday that’s not on the approved list of holidays] from management and staff of The Nudge Wink Report.

It’s been a year of ups and downs and round and rounds here on NWR. We lost some bloggers and gained some bloggers, lost some battles but won the war and will live to blog another year here on WordPress.

In the spirit of the season, Management decided to cut a rug…cut the mustard…fuck. CUT US ALL A BREAK and told staff to take the rest of the month off. Hopefully to spend that time with friends and family.

For those field reporters without friends or family, management has made arrangements with a cut-rate discount motel in downtown Cleveland to set aside one standard room for the duration of the holidays that staff can share. The room is free but if staff want fresh sheets and towels, they have to take turns being the Elf on the Shelf in the motel lobby.

To all of our faithful readers, we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] we wish you a merry [fill in the blank] and a happy new year!

Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Haiku News! Part 3 – Technically, Let’s Get Visual – Poetic News Commentary For The Masses

Howdy peoples.

It’s that time of the month again where things start getting strange, as I delve into the weirdest, wackiest and most inventive news stories I can come up with and give them my own particular twist of haiku infused justice for you, the masses.

Did I ever tell you that you guys and gals are bonkers, just like me?

But then we like it that way – never change!

So, would you little devils like some more Haiku News Commentary to brighten up your weekend?

(You don’t? Well tough, that’s all we got!)

This time round I’ve decided to focus specifically on news stories that feature technological developments, so hold on to your lunch and let’s blast off!

 

Car in a bag

What will Japan think of next

Copter in a hat?

inspectorgadgethat

(Original News Story – WalkCar: Hands-on with Japan’s car-in-a-bag / Pic:- Inspector Gadget)

 

Introverts unite

Pizzas delivered by drone

Never leave your home

spongebobtechnology

(Original News Story – Pizza company offers drone deliveries and other news / Pic:- SpongeBob Squarepants)

 

Chain smoking robots

Where have we seen that before?

Ah! Futurama!

futurama

(Original News Story – The chain-smoking robot and other tech news / Pic:- Comedy Central/Futurama)

 

Human head transplants

Too freaky, like Frankenstein

Replace brains instead

man-with-two-brains-quotes

(Original News Story – Human head transplant moves a step closer / Pic:- The Man With Two Brains)

 

Preserving bodies

Cryonics is expensive

Turn thermostat off

freezing

(Original News Story – How cryonics works: Process of freezing bodies explained / Pic:- Austin Powers)

 

Fired by text message

You’re delivering bad news

Not fast food, you jerks!

getting-fired-by-text-message-500x300b

(Original News Story – Firing by text message: taboo or the way of the future?)

 

Robot dinosaurs

That learn, evolve and adapt

Run? Can’t, pooped my pants

sciencedinosaur

(Original News Story – Robotic dinosaurs at U.K. theme park upgraded with cognitive software)

 

Tricked by some click bait

Fake news in your Facebook feed

Tip – facts are not fun

facebookabrahamlincoln

(Original News Story – CNN – Here’s how to outsmart fake news in your Facebook feed)

And that’s your lot for this time round, thank you for stopping by and if you have any ideas or suggestions that you want me to tackle for next time then feel free to leave a comment below 🙂