What the fucking fuck?

I could write this week about politics and plagiarism but I’m having a moment.

Just over a year ago, Ashley Madison users were “outed” after a major hack of their database. People who thought they were in a loving, mature relationship discovered they were actually living their lives with four-year olds who happened to have credit cards.

This was followed by a busting of their CEO, along with some dubious billing practices, which came to light after the hack.

The company’s tagline was, “Life is short. Have an affair.” In the months after the massive media fucklistfest, numerous relationship imploded when betrayed spouses discovered that their supposedly loving partners were getting a little something something on the side. That side usually came with a plate of STD followed by a “to-go” order of lawyering up.

Lizard-Putting-on-LipstickNow the company that brought us AM is back after slapping a fresh coat of lipstick on the lizard.

They hope you have it in you to forgive and forget they were a company that gleefully encouraged the cheater in your life to slap down what was probably some of YOUR hard-earned money so they could bang a bit of strange.

Because, hey! Life is short. And it’s too scary to go to your partner and say the relationship isn’t working. For whatever reason. Nope, that would be too hard. Your partner might *gasp* get pissed off and haul off and smack you one. They might sit you down and make you *eye roll* talk. OUT LOUD. Instead of being a mature adult, you decided to sign up with AM so you could have get your cake baked, and eat it, too.

This refresh of AM comes backed with a $10 million media buy. I guess if you throw enough money at something, you can buy a bad memory. Oh, wait. I don’t have to guess. I know. Just look at what the RNC had going on this week. Do people really find it easy to forget when they’ve been fucked with?

Part of the rebranding (oh how I’m coming to intensely dislike this word) is divorcing themselves from the tagline, “Life is short. Have an affair.” and trying to find your sweet spot with “Find your moment.”

Isn’t that cute? Doesn’t that make you go “aww?”

Anyone who’s been cheated on knows there’s more than one moment.

There are many moments. Really special moments. Like the moment you discovered his secret email account. Or the moment you saw the credit card bill listing hotels you never stayed at. Or the moment your doctor suggested you go for an Aids test.

Or the moment your son asked why Daddy was kissing your best friend.

Those are some pretty special fucking moments. Moments like those you don’t forget in a hurry. I wonder if any of these moments made it to the talking points at any of the focus groups put on by the marketing company who came up with this frankly disgusting piece of fuckfoolery.

Not only does AM hope you have a short memory, they hope you’re stupid, too. Because if you watch these videos and think any of these couples are in a happy marriage, you really are dumb. And if you are, in fact, in an unhappy marriage and think finding your moment with a stranger will magically change all that, then you really are a dumb fucking unicorn.

Monogamy is not for everyone. Casual sex is not for everyone. If you want to have a third (or forth, or fifth) person in your relationship, that’s cool.

As long as you can afford to buy enough condoms, fuck away and have fun.

But if you agree to be in a committed relationship, be in a committed relationship. Don’t fuck around with the people who love you. Because there is nothing worse for your partner than discovering they are in an open marriage, only you forgot to tell them. It disrespects the other person and makes you a really pathetic excuse of a human being.

Someone with the emotional depth of a shot glass.

Don’t be the guy that turns out to be “that guy.” Don’t be the girl who turns out to be “that girl.”

Take a breath. Take a moment. Take back your self-respect and have the courtesy to be honest with the people in your life.

In other words, don’t be a fucking douchebag.