What the fucking fuck?
I could write this week about politics and plagiarism but I’m having a moment.
Just over a year ago, Ashley Madison users were “outed” after a major hack of their database. People who thought they were in a loving, mature relationship discovered they were actually living their lives with four-year olds who happened to have credit cards. Read the rest of this entry »
What. A. Week. One amazing accomplishment after another rolled out this past week around the world and this field reporter was there on the ground (sometimes literally) ready to roll over in laughter at the things we humans come up with.
Like pollution-removing swimwear.
INTRODUCING THE SPONGESUIT
A husband-and-wife engineering team, Cengiz and Mihri Ozkan, put their two heads together and created the Sponge Suit, beachwear that cleans the water as you paddle through the waves. The suit is padded with a sucrose-based material that repels water but sucks up contaminants, and it’s won an international wearable technology competition.
Initially, the technology was developed to look at ways to remove oil from the water in the aftermath of an oil spill. The designers made up tiny swimsuits and rounded up hundreds of seagulls but the birds had too many demands about who got to touch their private parts that the suits never made it on the body of the birds. That trial experiment was a total bust. Next, the designer assembled human-sized swimsuits but they couldn’t talk the volunteers into voluntarily putting the suits on and then swim around in the middle of an oil spill. Something about it would mess with their hair.
This idea was swallowed whole by Weight Watchers as they believe they could create a similar wearable outfit that sucks up extra calories while repelling rude comments about your weight.
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MARVIN GAYE STARTED ALL THIS
Love IS love. Especially when it arrives with a sense of humor.
There’s more than one word to describe sexual/romantic orientation. Here’s a list of terms I came across this week while researching things about my ex and “why women marry idiots” which didn’t tell me much but it made me stumble across this list and after reading this list it explained a whole hell of a lot about the ex because I think he’s all of these melded together into one big old pile of not much really.
These are real designations or so says Huffington Post. I’d use the word label but that’s a word I really don’t like. Now, I could give you the HuffPo description for these but where’s the fun in that? And coming out of a nasty breakup with that guy, it wasn’t too difficult to come up with a slightly different take on each of the following:
Asexual — only knows one sexual position and still does it wrong
Aromantic — only knows one way to be romantic and then only if he doesn’t have to get up to do it
Graysexual — good in bed, in theory; in practice, not so much
Demisexual — seriously overestimating the size of your equipment
Demiromantic — spooning, but only because you’re too lazy to roll over
Lithromantic — your speech impediment kicks into high gear when saying I love you
Pansexual — unanimous decision from your ex girlfriends
Polysexual — all your moves are synthetic
Skoliosexual — you get bent out of shape trying to avoid post-coitol snuggling
Queerplatonic — even your best friends think there’s something wrong with you
Zucchini — goes limp in warm bath water
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In or out? IN OR OUT!
Of course, if the untucking involved Karl Urban, I’D PAY YOU!
To tuck or untuck?
Yes, people, that’s the most asked question this week over at Today.com. And it’s not surprising that men who tuck their shirts in make more money. They look professional and if that tucked in shirt is inside a snappy Brooks Bros. suit, all the better to leer at you, my dear.
Research conducted by Fruit of the Loom suggests that, on average, tuckers make $77,886 in salary compared to $65,578 for non-tuckers. What the research didn’t say is what kinds of jobs the tuckers and non-tuckers had, which I’d think pretty critical in any research about appearance and salary. But, hey, that’s just me and my bizarre need for accuracy.
Either way, what this tells me is I can’t afford to buy Fruit of the Loom underwear because it’s way outside my salary range.
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PUMPKIN BETTER WATCH HIS BACK
I’m not a fan of pumpkin. On my plate or in my pie. It’s icky and you can’t make me eat it no way, no how. However, I’ll try anything once so if you want to smear a little pumpkin all over Karl Urban’s torso, I’d give it a try. But now see…I got myself all distracted. We were talking about the pumpkin’.
I think we’d all agree that the pumpkin has had a lock on Halloween for way too long. Every year, same thing. Tripping our asses out to the local pumpkin patch, where we spend way too much time searching for the perfect pumpkin only to realize they really all look the same and let’s get out of here now while the liquor store is still open.
Doing a little research I discovered that the pumpkin’s reign over Halloween is justified. Because there really are no other contenders worthy of the mantle of macabre than the pumpkin. Call me old school but I believe carving anything for Halloween means scary and ghoulish and gross. So, Mr. Pumpkin is all that and a bag of candy corn when you look at what some of the alternatives are:
Not scary. Makes me want to yell “beet it!”
So sad. Makes me mellon-choly for someone who knows the difference between “fucking scary” and “fuck, scary how not scary this is.”
Really? REALLY? This is all you got? A pineapple comes with its own stabby bits and still you want to put a smile on its face? Really?
Okay. This one looks like my ex so by definition…stupid, not scary.
Ahem. You do know we’re talking scary Halloween here, right? I cantaloupe-ly hope you can do better next year.
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That’s all the time the management at The Nudge Wink Report gave me this week. Which is really disappointing because I had way more gifs of Karl untucking that I could have shared with you. Over a nice bottle of wine in front of a roaring fire while lounging on a bear skin rug listening to Marvin Gaye as we get it on and partake of some sexual healing…mercy, mercy me and it’s getting a little hot in here.
What gets YOU hot?
Wooly sweaters, cute guys, well-carved fruit…don’t be shy. Tell all in the comment section below. I won’t judge. Much. *saucy wink*
nudge. wink. report. 