Are you one of the millions of people who snore like a wild boar in heat? Are you one of the miserable sleep-deprived spouses of the aforementioned wild boar in heat? Are you an actual wild boar in heat? Well, hold onto your CPAP machines because there’s a new device* hitting the market!
This crafty little invention delivers a steady stream of low-pressure air straight into the snorer’s nose as they sleep. Not only does this bring relief to the snorer, it also serves as a very effective form of birth control.
C’mon baby, let’s get it on…
No word yet from the FDA as to whether this new gadget is capable of being sufficiently crammed completely down snorer’s throat once it is discovered to not work at all in the slightest.
The author of this post can attest to her own various failed attempts at reducing her spouse’s freight-train-meets-Learjet-meets-jackhammer snoring. A few notable things she’s learned over the years:
- Ear plugs are great at reducing noise. All the noise except for your spouse’s goddamned snoring, which remarkably is only amplified — along with one’s own breathing that now sounds like Darth Vader in heat.
- Ear plugs do not work when angrily pelted into husband’s gaping maw.
- Ear plugs do work when carefully crammed into husband’s nostrils.
- Barely holding back seething anger while glaring at snoring spouse wishing to god they would choke and wake up so you can finally get some fucking sleep is ineffective.
- Resisting urge to smother husband with pillow every night is the true test of marriage.
- When wide awake because of snoring husband, watch a marathon of Golden Girls on TV Land from 11 pm to 3 am. Your time isn’t wasted because let’s face it, Sophia is a hoot! I bet she never snored.
- Secretly videotaping husband snoring so you can play it back to him over breakfast while screaming, “Do you believe you snore now, you motherfucking rat bastard?” does not reduce likelihood of snoring.
- If your spouse’s snoring continues despite your best efforts, just bask in the comfort of knowing he’s getting a solid night of rest while you never will until either he dies or you die.
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*Device not effective for wild boars in heat.
nudge. wink. report. 
Reblogged this on She's a Maineiac and commented:
Are you sick of staying up night after night listening to your #$%*ing spouse snore? Does it take every last shred of your willpower to not punch him/her straight in his/her windpipe?
Well, you’re in luck because I’m reporting on the latest anti-snore medical marvel to hit the market! Just click on over to The Nudge Wink Report to find out which of my husband’s orifices this handy new device ends up!
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I am not a rat!
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This is good, Trent, because this device is only effective on motherfucking snoring bastards.
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I may, however, be a motherfucking snoring bastard. I am so screwed.
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I’m sure your spouse would have an interesting opinion on this matter.
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I’m going to resist the impulse to ask her about it… I am that smart.
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Easy solution: Two bedrooms. Has another, catholic church friendly birth control effect.
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It’s a win-win solution. Everyone gets sleep plus it helps control the world population. The last thing we need are even more snorers in the gene pool.
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And it is not as if one could not fulfil marital duties now and then – but one can retire into one’s own bedroom for the sleep after.
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Yup, you can have your sexy times but also keep your sanity and not kill your spouse. A win-win for any relationship.
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As an expert in commenting on FDA labeling, I must say that when they use the word, the FDA always hyphenates: thus it reads “mother-fucker”
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Figures they would — those mother-fucking FDA bastards who probably all get a good night’s sleep every night.
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Do as I say, not as I do.
This new reporter gig of yours has certainly loosened your tongue!
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Ha! Well I’ve always had a potty mouth (growing up with 5 brothers helps). I just never felt comfortable using it on my “family” blog much.
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😉 Our brothers have soooooooo much to answer for!
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Totally. Especially all those nightmares I have to this day of someone sitting on my head and farting.
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This is great news. I can throw away the EPA contamination suit I force my wife to sleep in. She’ll thank you.
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Just trying to help.
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That’s what you’re known for. Your calling card.
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I’m sold. I especially like how there appears to be a tube protruding out of the back of his head.
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What isn’t sexy about that?
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I married a snorer. He refused to listen when I told him he snored, and he actually got ANGRY when I used my phone to prove it. Told me I was “mean.” I told him the military uses sleep-deprivation to break down prisoners, and so if I was mean, he was an actual torturer.
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Yeah, my husband didn’t appreciate how I filmed him snoring for ten minutes with my iPhone. Maybe I shouldn’t have included the whispered commentary “And here he is snoring his cares away like the heartless bastard he is…”
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In addition to giggling, I feel I should state: I’m very glad for how my experiences in rural Japan (snoring! signs of life! YES!) prepared me for a lifetime with a chainsaw snorer. Without the right set-up, I feel like my nights would’ve involved a lot of the testing you describe. 🙂
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We really should get credit for putting up with these chainsaw snorers. I’m surprised my husband and I have slept in the same room for over 17 years now.
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Haha! I actually do punch my husband when he snores. (Not in the windpipe, though.) It really works! He stops snoring for like a second! I usually do it over and over again throughout the night, and most of the time he doesn’t notice or remember. But one night, I was absent-mindedly punching him in the arm as I read my book next to him and I happened to look over and see him staring up at me with a hurt puppy expression.
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I have nudged my husband a few times, poked him with the remote etc. Once I just sat there and stared at him, willing him to wake up but he just snored louder. I might have to resort to punching one day.
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Perhaps you should check the State of Maine statutes. In Virginia, you are allowed one spousal euthanasia per lifetime for a snoring spouse.
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That is good to know. I would say more but I’m off to pack my bags for Virginia.
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You poor, sleepless baby!
I’d like to see your research that this truly does NOT work on wild boars in heat. Because it seems like it totally would.
I commend your choice of middle-of-the-night viewing material. I was going to suggest QVC but you can get in a WHOLE boat load of trouble with that. I mean that’s what I heard. From a friend.
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Ah, yes QVC! Good stuff. I would watch that too but I need all my money to pay for the extra wing off the main house with the extra thick noise-canceling foam walls I’m building.
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And foam walls will really come in handy to prevent damage to your children when they are bouncing off of them.
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Up at 5:30 a.m. on a S U N D A Y because my thoughts of a certain pillow over a certain face were escalating and I wouldn’t fair well in jail!!
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What, stripes or prison orange are not a good look for you?
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Horizontal stripes are not flattering and at my age a jumpsuit would be a horror with my urgency to pee these days.
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Good point.
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Excellent. It looks like something you can put on while they’re sleeping, which would be very handy.
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Well, I think a strategically placed pillow would be just as effective.
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Pillows work magic for a lot of things, don’t they? So, I’m sure it would be.
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I think I know why my grandparents always slept in separate rooms, or at least ONE reason why. Both my parents are snorers, so when we sleep at their house, the only ones who aren’t kept up all night are guess who? They rattle the walls inside…and also in the barn outside.
From this post, I’m a little disappointed that I don’t have a snorer in my house so I could personally attest to your point list, particularly the ear plugs up the nose. Perhaps I’ll do it anyway for fun. Hubs seems to have dodged the necessity for a future CPAP. Thank goodness!
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Oh but there’s still time, Shan. He’ll get older and then suddenly you’ll be contemplating the ear plug cramming.
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This is the exact reason my life partner and I sleep in separate bedrooms! We also have different sleeping schedules. He likes to stay up until 2 in the morning and I like to go to bed at 9 – 10 pm.
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I seriously think separate rooms would be the way to go. If only I had an extra bedroom. I have slept on the couch before (and so has he) because the snoring was so loud and I had to get up to go to work. Of course, sleeping on the couch sucks just as much as sleeping with a snorer.
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Growing up with parents who snore, and all the doors always having to be open for “airflow”, I think it would be hard for me to fall asleep without hearing snoring!
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Ah, so you’ve been conditioned to snoring, that’s good. I wish I was. During my childhood I slept in my bedroom upstairs in the attic of an old house and never had to deal with any noise, well, other than the ghosts and the mice.
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Ghosts, I think I would be ok with, but I be nervous that the mice might climb up on the bed and bite me.
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Sorry, typo! I meant I’d be nervous!
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Ha,ha,ha! Oh, poor you! My father shook our house every night but lucky for me, my husband does NOT snore. *Knock on a lot of wood! Best of luck to you. 🙂
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You are so lucky. No one in my family snored growing up, other than one of my brothers, but he slept on the couch in the living room anyway.
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I feel for you!!!
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Yeah, finally I just left. That worked perfectly! 😉
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Just wondering if more people are being diagnosed with sleep apnea because more people are suffering from it or more are being tested. It seems to be that more people are being diagnosed, even children. Will have to read even more on the subject. Thank you for sharing. You have to feel sorry for those that are too neurotic to put ear plugs in…..missing all the other fun sounds.
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