The headline was a shocker – “Putin Lays Claim To North Pole”, it said.
I read it and scratched my head. Was it really true? More importantly, shouldn’t there be an article of some sort in that headline? “Putin Lays Claim To A North Pole?” “Putin Lays Claim To This North Pole?” “Putin Lays Claim To The North Pole?”
I decided to read the headline to imply that Russia was interested in not just any pole, but THE North Pole. Sure enough, the article beneath the headline confirmed I was right. Isn’t that the most important part? That I am right? I think that it is.
Alright, it isn’t the most important in this case. Putin wants the North Pole; that is what is important. We all know that a claim by any nation to the North Pole is spurious. The United Nations has already turned Russia down on a similar claim in 2002. We can probably expect the same result this time, but it is upsetting that Putin would take another crack at control of the pole.
We all know that The North Pole is occupied by Santa Claus. He spends 364 days a year there, manufacturing Chia Pets, board games, and assorted toys. If Santa were to be moved to another location by the Russians, it is difficult to imagine that he’d find enough room to set up shop elsewhere.
So I decided to call Santa and get his take on the matter. I didn’t have his number, but then I remembed acfkid telling me in third grade that everyone knew that Santa Claus was really their father. This was confusing, because I had a guy who I knew to be my father. Later, I came to understand that that guy truly is my father and that he and my mother were responsible for advancing the Santa legend in our home.
I called my father, since he was Santa, but he wasn’t in. And then I realized that I was Santa, too. Faced with a looming deadline to get this piece written, I made a hard choice. I called my son and told him the truth about Santa. He took it pretty well and didn’t seem surprised. Of course, he is twenty-three, so that might have something to do with it.
So, with the cat out of the bag that I am Santa, I was able to accomplish an interview with The Jolly Elf by talking to myself.
Me: So, Santa, this thing about Russia claiming the North Pole. What do you think?
Santa: Not happening, don’t you remember, there’s already precedent on the matter? U.N., 2002?
Me: I know, but now they say they used a submarine to put a little Russian flag under the Pole.
Santa: Do you see a flag? I don’t see a flag.
Me: Good point. Besides, sticking flags in things doesn’t make them yours, right?
Santa: Heh, heh, heh…yeah, if sticking things in…
Me: Whoa Santa, let’s not go there…
Me: Look, I get your point, but let’s not get carried away, ok? Is there anything you can tell me that doesn’t involve sticking things anywhere that might put our readers at ease about The Pole?
Santa: Yeah. The North Pole is also known as the Santa Clause Autonomous Territory, or SCAT so Putin can just…
Me: Yeah, he can scat, I get it. Pretty lame.
Santa: I’m trying to fill space, we’re on a deadline. Should I keep talking?
Me: Yeah, but not much longer, please.
Santa: OK, how about this – Putin likes to go around with his shirt off. Do you think he’s going to be able to do that up here at the North Pole?
Me: Damn it, Santa, I just admitted to my son that I am Santa and these are the best jokes you’ve got?
Santa: Look, I didn’t pick this topic.
Me: Good point. Let’s wrap this up here, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit that if Russia does not own the North Pole I should own it. Why? See this flag?