Rage, rage against the snoring of the night.

Are you one of the millions of people who snore like a wild boar in heat? Are you one of the miserable sleep-deprived spouses of the aforementioned wild boar in heat? Are you an actual wild boar in heat? Well, hold onto your CPAP machines because there’s a new device* hitting the market!

This crafty little invention delivers a steady stream of low-pressure air straight into the snorer’s nose as they sleep. Not only does this bring relief to the snorer, it also serves as a very effective form of birth control.

C’mon baby, let’s get it on…

No word yet from the FDA as to whether this new gadget is capable of being sufficiently crammed completely down snorer’s throat once it is discovered to not work at all in the slightest.

The author of this post can attest to her own various failed attempts at reducing her spouse’s freight-train-meets-Learjet-meets-jackhammer snoring. A few notable things she’s learned over the years:

• Ear plugs are great at reducing noise. All the noise except for your spouse’s goddamned snoring, which remarkably is only amplified — along with one’s own breathing that now sounds like Darth Vader in heat.
• Ear plugs do not work when angrily pelted into husband’s gaping maw.
• Ear plugs do work when carefully crammed into husband’s nostrils.
• Barely holding back seething anger while glaring at snoring spouse wishing to god they would choke and wake up so you can finally get some fucking sleep is ineffective.
• Resisting urge to smother husband with pillow every night is the true test of marriage.
• When wide awake because of snoring husband, watch a marathon of Golden Girls on TV Land from 11 pm to 3 am.  Your time isn’t wasted because let’s face it, Sophia is a hoot! I bet she never snored.
• Secretly videotaping husband snoring so you can play it back to him over breakfast while screaming, “Do you believe you snore now, you motherfucking rat bastard?” does not reduce likelihood of snoring.
• If your spouse’s snoring continues despite your best efforts, just bask in the comfort of knowing he’s getting a solid night of rest while you never will until either he dies or you die.

__________________________________

*Device not effective for wild boars in heat.

What Zefram Cochrane Can Teach Us About Global Innovation: Don’t Be a Dickhead

As the NWR offices stir from the first, morning sunlight, I sit here, alone, at my rickety desk my boss found in the alley behind the bar and think of the world in which I live and wonder if I would ever have meaningful conversations with Star Trek characters — specifically Zefram Cochrane.

James Cromwell knows of what I speak. He portrayed him in Star Trek: First Contact.

After watching that movie and falling in love with this abnormally, vertical man with the hottest Adam’s apple around and who made me swoon over his line, ‘That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?’ I was forever bound to this fictional character who is brilliant, drinks like a fish and would totally punch Bill Gates in the nuts because he’s Zefram Cochrane and he gets to do that.

But would Zefram Cochrane really want to hurl swingyfists at Gates’ testicles–a couple of the richest, whitest and prick-iest testicles in the world?

In a rush to find out the answer due to the huge, pile of caffeine and then a shot of whiskey I later threw up from, I contacted Mr. Cochrane (James Cromwell) and spoke with him, via phone interview, about my concerns.

WordPress doughnut cart raided as The Nudge Wink Report preps for launch

You’re blocking the blocking of this new blog.

Wait. What are you doing here? Nudge and Wink asked you to stop by and pillage the WordPress craft service tent? Sounds like something they’d suggest but we’re still in preproduction.

We’re working to a deadline and we’ve got to finish the set design. Then there’s the negotiation of “perks” going on with the contributing writers and don’t get me started about hairdressing and makeup. Who knew these guys would be so concerned with who looks more “fetching” especially when you consider they’re running a BLOG? Last I heard, you could do that naked while practicing arm farts.

Seriously, I need to retire my guild card. Okay, have a look around, and here are some passes to the welcome post August 24th.

Yes, they are VIP passes.
Yes, the commenting is free.
Yes, you can bring a friend.
Yes, you may take a doughnut.

No, I can’t get you backstage. There is no backstage. It’s a blog…

—

The Nudge Wink Report. Coming soon to WordPress.