Posted in She's A Maineiac

Rage, rage against the snoring of the night.

Snoring-Spouse

Are you one of the millions of people who snore like a wild boar in heat? Are you one of the miserable sleep-deprived spouses of the aforementioned wild boar in heat? Are you an actual wild boar in heat? Well, hold onto your CPAP machines because there’s a new device* hitting the market!

This crafty little invention delivers a steady stream of low-pressure air straight into the snorer’s nose as they sleep. Not only does this bring relief to the snorer, it also serves as a very effective form of birth control.

C'mon baby, let's get it on...
C’mon baby, let’s get it on…

No word yet from the FDA as to whether this new gadget is capable of being sufficiently crammed completely down snorer’s throat once it is discovered to not work at all in the slightest.

The author of this post can attest to her own various failed attempts at reducing her spouse’s freight-train-meets-Learjet-meets-jackhammer snoring. A few notable things she’s learned over the years:

  • Ear plugs are great at reducing noise. All the noise except for your spouse’s goddamned snoring, which remarkably is only amplified — along with one’s own breathing that now sounds like Darth Vader in heat.
  • Ear plugs do not work when angrily pelted into husband’s gaping maw.
  • Ear plugs do work when carefully crammed into husband’s nostrils.
  • Barely holding back seething anger while glaring at snoring spouse wishing to god they would choke and wake up so you can finally get some fucking sleep is ineffective.
  • Resisting urge to smother husband with pillow every night is the true test of marriage.
  • When wide awake because of snoring husband, watch a marathon of Golden Girls on TV Land from 11 pm to 3 am.  Your time isn’t wasted because let’s face it, Sophia is a hoot! I bet she never snored.
  • Secretly videotaping husband snoring so you can play it back to him over breakfast while screaming, “Do you believe you snore now, you motherfucking rat bastard?” does not reduce likelihood of snoring.
  • If your spouse’s snoring continues despite your best efforts, just bask in the comfort of knowing he’s getting a solid night of rest while you never will until either he dies or you die.

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*Device not effective for wild boars in heat.

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Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

52 thoughts on “Rage, rage against the snoring of the night.

  1. Reblogged this on She's a Maineiac and commented:

    Are you sick of staying up night after night listening to your #$%*ing spouse snore? Does it take every last shred of your willpower to not punch him/her straight in his/her windpipe?

    Well, you’re in luck because I’m reporting on the latest anti-snore medical marvel to hit the market! Just click on over to The Nudge Wink Report to find out which of my husband’s orifices this handy new device ends up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I married a snorer. He refused to listen when I told him he snored, and he actually got ANGRY when I used my phone to prove it. Told me I was “mean.” I told him the military uses sleep-deprivation to break down prisoners, and so if I was mean, he was an actual torturer.

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    1. Yeah, my husband didn’t appreciate how I filmed him snoring for ten minutes with my iPhone. Maybe I shouldn’t have included the whispered commentary “And here he is snoring his cares away like the heartless bastard he is…”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. In addition to giggling, I feel I should state: I’m very glad for how my experiences in rural Japan (snoring! signs of life! YES!) prepared me for a lifetime with a chainsaw snorer. Without the right set-up, I feel like my nights would’ve involved a lot of the testing you describe. 🙂

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  4. Haha! I actually do punch my husband when he snores. (Not in the windpipe, though.) It really works! He stops snoring for like a second! I usually do it over and over again throughout the night, and most of the time he doesn’t notice or remember. But one night, I was absent-mindedly punching him in the arm as I read my book next to him and I happened to look over and see him staring up at me with a hurt puppy expression.

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    1. I have nudged my husband a few times, poked him with the remote etc. Once I just sat there and stared at him, willing him to wake up but he just snored louder. I might have to resort to punching one day.

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  5. You poor, sleepless baby!

    I’d like to see your research that this truly does NOT work on wild boars in heat. Because it seems like it totally would.

    I commend your choice of middle-of-the-night viewing material. I was going to suggest QVC but you can get in a WHOLE boat load of trouble with that. I mean that’s what I heard. From a friend.

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  6. I think I know why my grandparents always slept in separate rooms, or at least ONE reason why. Both my parents are snorers, so when we sleep at their house, the only ones who aren’t kept up all night are guess who? They rattle the walls inside…and also in the barn outside.

    From this post, I’m a little disappointed that I don’t have a snorer in my house so I could personally attest to your point list, particularly the ear plugs up the nose. Perhaps I’ll do it anyway for fun. Hubs seems to have dodged the necessity for a future CPAP. Thank goodness!

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  7. This is the exact reason my life partner and I sleep in separate bedrooms! We also have different sleeping schedules. He likes to stay up until 2 in the morning and I like to go to bed at 9 – 10 pm.

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    1. I seriously think separate rooms would be the way to go. If only I had an extra bedroom. I have slept on the couch before (and so has he) because the snoring was so loud and I had to get up to go to work. Of course, sleeping on the couch sucks just as much as sleeping with a snorer.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Growing up with parents who snore, and all the doors always having to be open for “airflow”, I think it would be hard for me to fall asleep without hearing snoring!

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    1. Ah, so you’ve been conditioned to snoring, that’s good. I wish I was. During my childhood I slept in my bedroom upstairs in the attic of an old house and never had to deal with any noise, well, other than the ghosts and the mice.

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  9. Just wondering if more people are being diagnosed with sleep apnea because more people are suffering from it or more are being tested. It seems to be that more people are being diagnosed, even children. Will have to read even more on the subject. Thank you for sharing. You have to feel sorry for those that are too neurotic to put ear plugs in…..missing all the other fun sounds.

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