Are you one of the millions of people who snore like a wild boar in heat? Are you one of the miserable sleep-deprived spouses of the aforementioned wild boar in heat? Are you an actual wild boar in heat? Well, hold onto your CPAP machines because there’s a new device* hitting the market!
This crafty little invention delivers a steady stream of low-pressure air straight into the snorer’s nose as they sleep. Not only does this bring relief to the snorer, it also serves as a very effective form of birth control.
No word yet from the FDA as to whether this new gadget is capable of being sufficiently crammed completely down snorer’s throat once it is discovered to not work at all in the slightest.
The author of this post can attest to her own various failed attempts at reducing her spouse’s freight-train-meets-Learjet-meets-jackhammer snoring. A few notable things she’s learned over the years:
- Ear plugs are great at reducing noise. All the noise except for your spouse’s goddamned snoring, which remarkably is only amplified — along with one’s own breathing that now sounds like Darth Vader in heat.
- Ear plugs do not work when angrily pelted into husband’s gaping maw.
- Ear plugs do work when carefully crammed into husband’s nostrils.
- Barely holding back seething anger while glaring at snoring spouse wishing to god they would choke and wake up so you can finally get some fucking sleep is ineffective.
- Resisting urge to smother husband with pillow every night is the true test of marriage.
- When wide awake because of snoring husband, watch a marathon of Golden Girls on TV Land from 11 pm to 3 am. Your time isn’t wasted because let’s face it, Sophia is a hoot! I bet she never snored.
- Secretly videotaping husband snoring so you can play it back to him over breakfast while screaming, “Do you believe you snore now, you motherfucking rat bastard?” does not reduce likelihood of snoring.
- If your spouse’s snoring continues despite your best efforts, just bask in the comfort of knowing he’s getting a solid night of rest while you never will until either he dies or you die.
*Device not effective for wild boars in heat.