The Cyclical Nature of Fashion

Perhaps you’ve heard of the controversial new uniform for a Colombian women’s cycling team.

Perhaps you have a life and don’t troll the interweb looking for weird crap to put in your Saturday blog post.

If you fit in the latter category, then allow me to tell you all about it.

A picture is supposedly worth a thousand words, so I’ll post the photo below and you can see for yourselves.

I don’t know why, but this team photo makes me feel dirty.  I think we can all thank our lucky stars that the managers of cycling teams don’t traditionally wear the same uniform as the athletes.

Apparently the designer thought that covering the entire uniform with corporate logos was sooo last year. Instead, he made the cutting edge fashion choice of covering the crotch and lower torso of the outfit with a swatch of skin colored material, or as they say in Colombia, el flesho-blanco*.

The resulting look is something along the lines of Barbie Doll with the potential for road rash.  It’s disconcerting to not have any of my favorite landmarks in there, like cute little moles, belly buttons or appendectomy scars.

The cycling community has united to condemn the look. Though they won’t admit it, the World Cycling Federation is more than thrilled to have something to talk about besides performance enhancing drugs, blood doping, helium filled tires and space-age technology chain lubricants.  In addition to the organization, individual teams and celebrities have also weighed in on the uniform.

• The Brazilian women’s cycling team has labeled the Colombian fashion as a theft of the look they originated years ago.
• The American team is going with a similar look, but are opting for a landing strip in the front and a Trek logo tramp-stamp on the back.
• The Aruban national team is going with their own take on the design by adding a thong-shaped set of tan lines.
• Russian cyclists are hoping that Vladamir Putin doesn’t get any ideas for his next horseback riding photo shoot.
• The Greek national team is customizing their uniforms by adding two rather non-aerodynamic inside out, empty hip pockets to the ensemble.
• The British team thinks the garment design is just fine, though they feel the flesh color isn’t nearly pasty white enough.
• The Chinese national team’s official stance is that they don’t care about the design, as long as their workers continue to have the contract to manufacture them.
• Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump thinks there’s nothing wrong with the uniform, provided it is not worn by “fat pigs”.
• Bill Cosby liked the uniforms so much, he offered to buy some special cocktails for the team.
• Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner reportedly doesn’t know how to feel about the design.  Part of him/her is outraged by it but even more parts of him are far too familiar with the Kardashian clan to have any taste at all.

It’s nice to know that the world has managed not to tilt off its axis due to this nightmare in spandex.  Little things like questionable fashion decisions can still distract us from more weighty matters, like Josh Duggar’s sex life and the most common mistakes in fantasy football draft strategies.

*If you read that sentence carefully, you’ll note that I assigned the male gender to the fashion designer.  In fairness to poor decisions everywhere, I’ll admit that there is a remote chance that a woman designed the uniform.  Anything’s possible, right?

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