Health News Special Report – 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep

Hey there everyone.

If like me whenever you look at the news nowadays at what horrible atrocities have been dreamed up on a daily basis by The Trump Administration, or where we are headed with Brexit negotiations, or when April the giraffe is going to deliver her baby (come on, I can’t take the suspense!) or are simply a creative type and therefore sleep is usually an optional luxury at the expense of writing something down then let it be known that you are not alone, if you too are having trouble sleeping at night.

Thankfully, I have a solution for you all and it is cheap at the price. (Come back, it’s free!)

Check out this guest post written by a friend of mine to help you sleep much better at night. Or double your money back. (Remember, this is free so you get double of nothing but it is good advice all the same).

Health News Special Report – 10 Eazzzy Wayzzz to Fall Azzzleep

Sleep. That monosyllabic, five lettered word that consists of two vowels and three consonants that strikes fear into the creative as it means waste of productivity. But just how much sleep is sufficient for the average individual? For babies, it seems five minutes and thirty-one seconds is enough, but for adults, it is a different story and we should aim to get a decent slumber of around eight hours preferably at night time. However, sleep is an individual thing so it comes down to your needs in the end and no medical journal will tell you this – believe me. If you do find yourself overindulging in sleep especially at work where this is a common occurrence, a career change could be in order and is something the Doctor cannot prescribe you. However, excessive sleep does not mean laziness (but it does if you are a student) and there could be a medical condition at play here so get yourself a Doctor referral to the nearest Premier Inn (or Holiday Inn in the US).

What follows is a look at 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep. There are only ten and let no-one tell you different. Remember how Moses came back with Ten Commandments? It wasn’t Eleven was it?

As I am writing this, I should be asleep, but I chose to educate the nation with my definitive, foolproof plan.

1. Bin your relationship.

Seems obvious doesn’t it, but time and again, people make the mistake of getting into a relationship only to encounter nights of sleepless worry about whether a partner will WhatsApp in the next 30 secs and if they don’t, well clearly they are cheating. It’s the same with the removal of ‘Last Seen.’ Eradicate the need for a relationship and watch how life becomes calmer and chamomile tea becomes your natural beverage of choice and cats naturally enter your domain without you having to capture them for comfort.

2. Kick partner out of the bedroom.

You do enough in your day and the last thing you expect is coital relations after cooking an elaborate three course meal or just dinner in a microwave. That’s why the spare room was invented because you never know its significance until you are in a relationship. Moving your partner out of the bedroom means quality you time. Take it from someone who knows.

3. Read a book.

Here I recommend that you read a genre you are truly uncomfortable with and one that contains highfalutin text that only the page numbers make sense. Books that have made me fall asleep include the Constitutional Law, 13th Edition (first paragraph), Equity & Trusts (cover) and Being Reem by Joey Essex (foreword).

4. Learn a language.

This is a definite must before bedtime. They key to learning a language is listening to audio so by the time your brain has realised this fact, you’ve nodded off. However, I do realise I haven’t specified the language and that is of course, Mandarin. Standard.

5. Counting sheep.

Without a shadow of doubt, counting sheep has to be the biggest old wives tale out there. Counting cows is a much better option.

6. Turn mobile off.

Thank God, Adele never did this otherwise we would never have her albums. You on the other hand are different, so switch it off because it will only add to the despair that is life.

7. Exercise.

A rigorous routine before bedtime will ensure that all you will desire is bed. I do mean a full work out though and no running on the spot for one minute. Admittedly, for some people this does have a reverse effect and may accidentally release endorphins, but this is the brainwashing we have to come to expect from a Personal Trainer, so take what they say with a pinch of salt like life.

8. Incense.

I don’t know why it’s called this, because it causes nothing but calm. However, sometimes, it can be quite costly depending on the brand, so if you can’t afford the flight to India to buy good quality incense, light a match and the fumes of the fire will knock you out.

9. A sedative.

Not celebrated enough in my opinion. The advantage of taking this is sleep is brought on anytime, anywhere. The obvious disadvantage is getting a P45 or pink slip in the mail without realising what caused it. It’s a shame there are no clearer warnings on the packaging.

10. Lavender.

The best piece of advice was given to me by my grandmother who told me that ingestion was completely wrong and to inhale it through my nose. It’s nature’s own Chloroform or Rohypnol, however you want to view it, and you’ll be out for the count before you know it.

© T Nayder, 2016

 

Thanks for reading friends, don’t have nightmares about April, I’m sure that baby will be popping out soon and do sleep well 🙂

Things I Know To Be True(ish)

Sitting here this morning and looking at the title of this post, I’m thinking I should have gone with things I know to be false. Call me contrary but I’m drawn to the downside of life. It’s a quirk. But today I’m breaking out of that box and embracing some truthiness.

Another quirk is not changing the title of a post once written. When I commit, I bring a sleeping bag and a change of underwear.

Here’s what I know to be true (I limited myself to ten otherwise we’d all still be sitting here next Saturday):

Despite Increasing Denial, Woman’s Eyesight Continues to Decline

 

Recently, Maine’s resident grump, 45-year-old Marla*, had a startling realization: her vision may actually be failing.

I sat down to interview Marla last week.

“Well, I was driving down the road when it hit me,” she said, adjusting the J. Lo reading glasses she bought for $11.99 at Target.

“That you couldn’t see anymore?” I nodded.

“No, the moose standing in the road. I thought it was a pile of leaves.”

Apparently, Marla had been suffering for years with poor eyesight but continued to live her life as if everything else was to blame for her affliction.

“Oh, I convinced myself it wasn’t that I couldn’t actually see the instructions on the Ex-Lax bottle,” Marla said.  “Obviously, it was because every company in America suddenly conspired to start making products with tiny blurry font just to frustrate the shit out of me.”

Not soon after the moose incident, things reached a breaking point when Marla suffered an embarrassing incident at the local Grab & Get Out. She was talking to her husband for a good ten minutes, when she slowly realized it wasn’t him.

“I was telling him not to buy the unscented deodorant, but the extra-strength key lime pie one, when I noticed something strange,” she recalled. “He wasn’t responding with his usual, ‘Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear. Just please stop talking for the love of god, dear.’ Turns out it wasn’t my husband I was talking to at all. It wasn’t even a man. It was a stack of paper towels in aisle three.”

Marla went on to admit her blurry vision probably was to blame for the unfortunate Chili Catastrophe of 2014. “I had spent all morning making a big batch for my family reunion,” she tearfully recalled. After serving everyone, she was about two bites in her own bowl of chili when she realized she had unwittingly mistaken teaspoon for tablespoon. And cayenne pepper for chili powder. And a lit candle for a glass of water. Her comments about that fateful day? “Let’s just say now I have to draw my eyebrows on with a Sharpie.”

Sadly, Marla also suffers from the little-understood disorder, BDP or Bad Depth Perception.

People with BDP have a difficult time accurately judging distances. Simply pulling up to a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru without completely taking out the speaker post is nearly impossible. Marla faces the shame of struggling with everyday tasks such as inserting a key into a lock, parking a car, and paying for a box of Thin Mints.

“I was handing a ten dollar bill to a Girl Scout when I noticed she wasn’t taking it,” Marla cried softly. “Because I was a good three feet away from her outstretched hand! I kept shoving the money closer and waving it around, still just out of her reach. I shouted at her to ‘just take the damn money’ but it was of no use because at that point she was crying. I was arrested for ‘cruel and persistent taunting’ and faced possible jail time. On the day I reported to the courthouse, I spent 45 minutes waiting for my case to be called before I realized I was actually standing in line at a Starbucks.”

After ordering a java chip frappuccino and attempting to pay with an old gift card from Taco Bell, Marla eventually made her way to the courthouse and was sentenced to 200 hours of community service. Unfortunately, she was ordered to pick up trash on the side of the road, a task unbelievably frustrating for someone suffering from hellacious depth perception.

“After eight straight hours toiling in the blazing sun, I managed to collect no trash at all, none!” Marla said.  “And in the process stabbed myself in the foot several times.” But even the subsequent tetanus shot didn’t break her resolve to remain in denial about her poor eyesight. When asked if jail time would finally prompt her to seek treatment, such as a stronger prescription or LASIK surgery, Marla responded with the scoffiest of scoffs, “What? No! My eyes are fine! Just fine, dammit!” And then she scoffed some more.

Although her story is tragic, there is hope that someday she’ll buy better glasses, or at least ones that don’t come in a tacky pink leopard print. How many more Girl Scouts will needlessly suffer in the meantime? One can only guess, and my guess is a crapload.

Please, if you or someone you know suffers from either piss-poor vision or BDP, help them get help to help you help them before it’s too late. The moose and that guy that works at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru thank you.

*not her real name (but it’s pretty damn close if you catch my drift, and I think you do. OK, I’ll shut up now. But first, can you read me the back of this pill bottle?)