On Wednesday, June 18, 2014, man invented fire.
Again.
This time around, fire arrived in the form of a cell phone, the Amazon Fire.
“The phone is gorgeous,” said Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s founder and CEO. “I can’t wait for you to get your hands on it. Premium materials, rubberized frame. Gorilla Glass on both sides.”
The announcement took place at an auditorium somewhere in Seattle to a room full of technology analysts, current Amazon customers, and (slightly) jaded journalists. Over the room hung the aroma of sweaty jock straps. No one seemed to notice.
Amazon Fire began its evolution on the drawing board five years ago, in 2009.
With this week’s launch, Amazon joined the ranks of other fast-track technology companies, proving they, too, can move at the speed of molasses.
Jeff sat down with me for a one-on-one interview that lasted exactly 3 minutes. Which turned out to be 2 minutes too long.
Jeff is no longer referred to as the “liar, liar, pants on fire” man.
BD: Jeff! Amazing day. Are you excited?
Jeff: You bet, BD. This phone is GORGEOUS! It’s almost too hot to handle!
BD: Tell me about it. What makes the Amazon Fire so special?
Jeff: Well, first off. It’s GORGEOUS! Here, take a close look.
[He holds out the phone but won’t let BD touch it. When it appears her breath is fogging the screen, Jeff pulls his arm back another six inches.]
See how the light reflects off the aluminum buttons? Doesn’t matter which way you hold it, it looks GORGEOUS!
BD: It is nice looking.
Jeff: Nice looking? Are you sure we’re both looking at the same phone? This is a work of art. It’s a Rembrandt on a teeny, tiny canvas. It practically paints with light! It’s like going on a blind date and discovering, against all odds, that your date is a supermodel. It’s GORGEOUS!
BD: But…how’s it different from the iPhone or the Galaxy S?
Jeff: Different? How do you mean? This baby is in a class of her own. It’s GORGEOUS! See how it makes my hand look more attractive just by my holding it? I can see this beauty taking over the engagement ring market ’cause when your girlfriend sees how sexy her hand looks just holding an Amazon Fire, she’ll want to wear one in her left hand instead of a diamond ring. It’s that GORGEOUS!
BD: But what does it do?
Jeff: Do? You mean how does it function? I’m sure it’s got the usual apps. I’ll have one of the tech guys meet up with you before you leave. But to be clear. Amazon Fire doesn’t HAVE to do anything. It’s a thing of beauty. It just “is.”
BD: (sighing) Okay. How about phone calls. Does it “do” phone calls?
Jeff: I think so. I mean, I haven’t actually tried to make a call. I’ve got people to make calls for me. And I’m sure it’s set up to handle voice mail. I’d have to check with my secretary. Would you like me to get her for you?
BD: NO! Here’s a thought. I’ll read from the media release and you just nod your head.
Jeff: Great. Good. I can do that. [He continues to gaze at his phone; his hands gently fondling the buttons.]
BD: Okay and I’m quoting here…
Perhaps most interestingly, the phone is capable of displaying images in 3D, thanks to four specialized cameras on the front of the phone that track a person’s head movement. The 3D imaging even works in the dark because the cameras can see infrared light.
‘The key is knowing where the user’s head is at all time,’ Bezos said.”
BD: Can you explain in more detail how this feature works?
Jeff: Sure. It’s a camera in your phone. But it doesn’t just take a picture. It takes a GORGEOUS picture. It works especially well for selfies. In particular, butt selfies. The Amazon Fire uses a number of cameras that are strategically placed around the phone so when you’re holding the phone over your shoulder in the bathroom, the camera knows you’re looking at your butt and takes what looks like a three-dimensional image. It has great zoom ability, too. We’re thinking we’ll have to add a small warning note in the packaging, though. Testing has shown that images may seem larger than they actually are.
Did I mention that Kim Kardashian has signed on to be the spokesperson for Amazon Fire? She’s the one who suggested we add the warning. Smart girl, Kim.
Amazon Fire: a design so original you swear you’ve seen it before.
BD: Umm. Well, Jeff, this has been somewhat informative. Anything else you’d like to add before I file this story?
Jeff: This phone is going to take a big bite out of the market share for cell phones. Amazon Fire is GORGEOUS! It looks GORGEOUS, it has GORGEOUS new features, and it looks GORGEOUS in your hand. But most importantly for consumers…Amazon Fire is GORGEOUS!
—
So there you have it. The latest offering from Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s founder. A cell phone so GORGEOUS Amazon is hoping you won’t notice it looks exactly like an iPhone.
–30–
nudge. wink. report. 
I’m not really a scientist, but I’ve long thought that the key to a good butt selfie is gorilla glass.
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And now in 3-D. Can’t wait for surround sound. So you can hear the screaming…
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Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:
This Saturday, I’m over at The Nudge Wink Report. And it’s hot. Really hot. When I was assigned this story I was hoping to see some cute firefighters. The things I do for NWR.
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Remember the Terminator movies? How the robots had taken over the planet? Am I the only one who’s a little concerned that the same guy who wants to send drones out to our homes for deliveries is now trying to get us to use a phone that tracks our faces with four (FOUR!?!) cameras?
The end is near.
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And with Amazon Fire cell phone, the (rear) end is TOO near.
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When the Terminator sees you, he’s likely to say in his best Arnold-playing-a-robot voice; “I’ll be (taking pics of your) back(side). Best scene of the movie, in nearly everyone’s opinion. Adding BD’s butt to the shot can only improve it.
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Dammit! Forgot to close the quote after (side). I suck.
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That’s okay. I know what you were distracted by.
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You know me too well.
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Nearly everyone because there are always one or two purists who can’t tolerate remakes of any classic movie scene. These are the same yahoos who whine about the colorizing of “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein”.
Now, turn around and say “cheese”.
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You’re a Muenster.
Did you know there’s a cheese from France called “Butte” cheese? From the description it sounds like the perfect cheese for you:
Butte
This cheese usually has a brick shape with thick, smooth, velvety, white penicillin rind. It takes its name from the shape that resembles a small hillock. The cheese has a buttery texture and mushroomy aroma and a salty, bitter tang. It can be eaten young, or ripened – then the rind develops a reddish pigmentation, the interior becomes runny around the edges, the aroma becomes acrid and the taste is sharper.
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Sounds like it might go well with some bleichspargel.
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It might. It also may make you sound like this:
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That pic has “blog header” written all over it.
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this is hysterical! I love that last line about the iphone – it looks exactly the SAME! when is america’s obsession with our freaking PHONES going to end?!?!
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Around the same time they wake up to the reality that reality television isn’t real.
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amen! amen! amen!
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Watch. My bottom will be the first to break the gorilla glass. *sigh*
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You don’t have to sit on the phone to take a picture, silly!
It’s not like the office Christmas party with people sitting on the photocopier.
Although that might be more fun.
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Oh, I didn’t say I would sit on it. 🙂 Cameras are not kind to me.
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Same here. That’s because a camera has yet to be invented that can capture our stunning good looks.
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I came over from Susie’s party and want to thank you for this terrific heads-up. I, for one, can’t wait to get a phone that will finally let me do a 3-D butt selfie. At last, a phone that can answer the question plaguing women through the ages, “Does this phone make my butt look fat?”
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It’s a brilliant move on Amazon’s part. Now we can ask the phone…instead of asking all the men in our life that question.
*grin*
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Anything that makes any part of me look bigger will not be on my shopping list. So, is it Google and Amazon that are taking over the world. Be prepared for “Goomazon”.
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I think you’ve just invented yet another “reality” television show.
It would be about families who sit around and google all day buying shit they don’t need on Amazon. And then taking pictures of it all on their Amazon Fire. *grin*
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😉
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It just “is.”
That’s their new motto, right? Call me old school, but I still prefer the old one, “We abuse our factory and warehouse workers.” It has a certain ring to it.
Personally I’m not buying any damn phone without a cup holder. Just like my car.
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The only thing I’ve ever bought from Amazon…actually it wasn’t me. It was the Mister. He bought me a vacuum cleaner.
I dislike any company that enables my man to buy me cleaning equipment.
Perhaps I should have added the NB to this post: I don’t actually own a cell phone.
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Gorilla Glass? WTF is that?! If you put two phones side by side, would they start picking fleas from each other’s heads? Or would a single one proceed to scratch its arse? Now that’s a 3D selfie you won’t be able to erase from your brain.
It is indeed a GORGEOUS phone. I’ll say this for Amazon Fire, it can’t be accused of looking like an iPhone 5… oh.
Has Apple sued yet?
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Good question. What if we found out Apple owned Amazon. Would that be a brain buster or what??
“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
Someone needs to edit that saying.
I guess when it comes to their phones, Amazon’s not monkeying around.
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A 3-D selfie is perhaps the only thing worse than a 2-D selfie. A nation of people taking pictures of themselves. What an inspiration.
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I think we’re approaching Narcissism 2.0.
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