Posted in Humor, Special Report, Views

Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer: Battle of the Pancake Syrups

Now that staff performance appraisals are done for another year, it’s time to move on to:

Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer” here on NWR.

This week’s question comes from Larry in Pennsylvania, writer of the WordPress blog: idiotprufs. Larry, we’re happy you found your way to The Nudge Wink Report. We hope what’s about to happen doesn’t make you regret your decision to become a fan of NWR. And you are a fan.  Right?

Larry’s question is:

If Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima had a bare-knuckle boxing match, who would win?


Tom: Most people don’t know this, but “Mrs. Butterworth” and “Aunt Jemima” were actually ill-advised code names for famous cars. Sweet!

“Mrs. Butterworth,” obviously, was “The General Lee” from the hit TV show The Dukes of Hazzard. By process of elimination it’s then easy to deduce that “Aunt Jemima” was how Doc and Marty referred to the time-machine DeLorean (unnamed) behind its back in the movie franchise Back To The Future.

Both cars had dual-overhead 426 V-8 blocks with piston-fired rings and orange Union 76 balls on radio antennas. Both had fuel-injected 383 lifted carbs, so how to decide? We’ll try to break it down in our patented Octagon of Logic Death. Two bodacious rides enter but only one fierce competitor will speed away into the sunset.

Doors: A solid win for DeLorean which looks supercool although you can hit your head on the doors. The General Lee’s doors were welded shut. Duh.

Electronics: DeLorean wins again. The General was lacking a flux capacitor. A serious design flaw.

Jumping Distance: The General Lee wins on a technicality. The DeLorean cheated using Mr. Fusion.

Horn: The General comes through again by playing the first 12 notes of Dixie. The DeLorean never made a peep.

Ability to Elude: The General takes it. Poor little DeLorean couldn’t handle farmers awakened in the middle of the night and Native American weaponry.

Conclusion: The General Lee wins by a nose! Possum on a gum bush! Hey, that’s just like syrup on a pancake!

Omawarisan: Larry, as you know, this is the match up that breakfast fans have been dreaming of for decades.

Denise Butterworth and Jemima Stuart are fighters who have ridden their completely different styles to undefeated records. Butterworth is a battler whose endurance wears her opponents down and leaves them vulnerable in the late rounds. Stuart is a southpaw with a deceptively fast uppercut; none of her opponents have lasted beyond the fifth round.

The experts look for another early knock out by Jemima Stuart. I’m no expert. I think that if Mrs. Butterworth can survive the onslaught that the first rounds with Aunt Jemima always are she will have a chance to pull the upset.

Make no mistake, a Butterworth win is a long-shot. To even have a chance, Denise Butterworth will have to absorb the kind of punishment we haven’t seen a fighter take since Rocky Balboa pushed Apollo Creed into the 15th round.

We know that Aunt Jemima can deliver the punishment. Mrs. Butterworth’s ability to take it is the unknown. I think she can, but only a fool would bet this fight.

Speaking of fools, I pity the fool that doesn’t heed Mr. T’s prediction for this fight:

FloridaBorne: They’re not boxers! They’re 2 grandmothers in corsets, with nose jobs and face lifts, slathered in makeup wearing wigs and almost identical dresses to a Ms. Organic Syrupy America beauty contest.

  • The list of ingredients in Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup; High fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, water, salt, cellulose gum, molasses, potassium sorbate (preservative), sodium hexametaphosphate, citric acid, caramel color, natural and artificial flavors.
  • The list of ingredients in Aunt Jemima syrup: Corn sytrup, High Fructose Corn Syrup, water, cellulose gum, carmel Color, salt, sodium benzoate and sorbic acid (preservatives), artificial and natural flavors, sodium hexametaphospha.

As the old joke goes, their syrup is just like grandma used to make–if grandma was a chemist…and a con artist.

Blogdramedy: I need a few moments to reclassify my answer. I thought Larry’s question was about “bare-breasted” boxing and I was all, “Larry, don’t even go there, man. This is a mixed gender blog. We’ve got women, men, chickens. And a unisex bathroom. We don’t bare anything around here that could lead to confusion and/or embarrassing questions.

I blame my new Google Glasses.

To get right to the crux of your question, Larry…do you mind if I call you Larry? Do you always introduce yourself with such deep and penetrating questions? Are you single, Larry?

Larry, it sounds like you know your way around a kitchen. Because this is a question that could only come from the mind of a serious cook. Do you live alone, Larry? Any insanity in your family, Larry? Sorry if I seem to be invading your privacy, Larry. A good writer always researches their subject before putting thoughts into words. And I’m good, Larry. Really good.

[Wink enters the room carrying a stack of pancakes and Blogdramedy stops nibbling her pencil eraser]

Ahem. Statistically speaking, Larry, Aunt Jemima would be favored to win. As it says right on the bottle “America’s Favorite Syrup!” Nice chatting with you, Larry.

Dave:  First and foremost, kudos to Larry for asking a question which, though thoroughly unanswerable, gives us all something to write about besides our typically vodka-soaked topics.

As for who wins, the smart money is on Aunt Jemima.  Anyone who saw the damage she inflicted on Uncle Ben after she caught him “making rice” with that little Blue Bonnet margarine hussy would know the kind of beating she’s capable of dishing out.  Mrs. Butterworth, on the other hand, is too matronly to be much of a scrapper.  My guess is that by the time Butterworth manages to get her apron untied, Auntie J will have already smacked upside her sappy head.  Don’t let the make-over fool you, just because Jemima doesn’t wear a doo rag these days doesn’t mean she’s forgotten her roots.  Vegas says Jemima will knock Butterworthless into a diabetic coma before the 3rd round.

There you have it, Larry. Answers to your question from some of the finest minds on WordPress!

(Please do not contact WordPress to confirm this. They are busy.)

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28 thoughts on “Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer: Battle of the Pancake Syrups

  1. Reblogged this on Blurt and commented:

    Do you ever stay up at night wondering about important stuff like who would win a fight between Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth? Me neither. I know who would win. Get my take, and four others, over on the Nudge Wink Report

    Like

    1. I’d also like to point out that I remembered I was supposed to write this. Also, I remembered to point that out.

      Additionally, I’m unsure whether I’m happy or disappointed that no one took the route of saying that Mrs. Butterworth has a glass jaw, which she does.

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      1. And we remembered not to shame you in public for heading out of town and not taking us with you. The office wasn’t the same without you. PS — it’s your turn to stock the fridge.

        Like

  2. Mrs. Butterworth has glass fists. She wouldn’t last a full round in a bare-knuckle match with anyone except maybe Twinkie The Kid or the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

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    1. And Mrs. Dash would just flake apart. Mr. Peanut might last a round or two if he stayed in his shell.

      Chef Boyardee stands a chance as long as he remained “al dente.”

      Miss Chiquita would go all mushy. So yeah, I guess it’s Aunt Jemima in a TKO.

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    1. I see two options.
      A dose of Pepto-Bismol or a double shot of whatever does it for you.
      You’ll pass out yet feel strangely relieved come morning.
      Thanks for submitting your question. Hope you’ll stop by again!

      Like

  3. I didn’t know either of these ladies were responsible for any kind of syrup. I thought it was all about the pancakes. Beehive Corn Syrup rules in my house unless of course you take into account that we are Canadian and then you will probably be looking for the Maple Syrup.

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  4. In a scrap – Aunt Jemima hands down. As for delectable pancake syrup, Old Tyme out tastes Aunt J by a mile – which is how far I would crawl naked through a briar patch to get it if I ever ran out…

    Like

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