Posted in Humor, She's A Maineiac

Investigative Report: The Trump Files

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As a full-fledged Nudge Wink Reporter, I had the unique opportunity to infiltrate the Donald Trump headquarters and witness firsthand the conception and inner workings of his presidential campaign. (Mainly because Sean Penn wasn’t available.)

For months I went undercover using various wigs, uniforms, and fake mustaches to blend in. I washed windows, trimmed hedges (i.e., cut Donald’s hair) and scrubbed gold-plated urinals to get close to Trump. What I found out will shock you.

Probably not, but hey, whatevs.

My investigation began on the fateful day Trump decided to run. He spent the day percolating for hours in his massive hot tub, a staff of 20 people (plus one slightly nervous housekeeper with a handlebar mustache) anxiously waiting in the wings.

“I’m bored!” Trump bellowed, plunging his toy battleship into the sudsy water.  “Miss America’s crap! Ivana’s on the rag again! God! If only there were something I could do for fun…”

“Sir, you divorced Ivana years ago,” the butler said.

“Who?”

“Ivana…your ex-wife?”

“Are you sure?” Trump asked icily.

“Well…I uh–”

“You’re fired. Anyone else got any stupid things to say to me?”

“Um…you could run for President, sir,” suggested a small voice from the depths of the cavernous bathroom.

“Huh?”

“President. Of the United States.”

“Eh. Sure, why the hell not? Find out how to do that. But first, get me a towel. And you’re fired.”

“But I’m your daughter, Ivanka.”

“Doubtful. Made-up name. From now on you’ll be known as…March. God, I’ve always hated that month! Now get out of my sight, all of you! Scram!”

It wasn’t long before Trump held his first (and only) board meeting to discuss his presidential strategy. Actually, it wasn’t strategy as much as it was just Trump barking orders at everyone. And this intrepid reporter was right there, posing as a hip bearded Subway caterer and secretly recording everything Donald said with a high-tech microphone embedded man bun.

The following are the actual transcripts of Trump as he unveiled his stunning 5-step plan to become, as he calls it, The Supreme Ruler of All the Stuff:

  1. THE WALL.
    donal-trump-smiling-01Okay, listen up, numbnuts. I need to build something. So, I’m gonna slam a giant dome over Newark, drop all of my ex-wives inside, and let ’em duke it out to the death in big pools of Jell-O. I see pay-per-view…reality show. Big bucks. No? Not good? Fine, we’ll go with the wall thing then. You — find out what country borders ours! You — find out what country we’re currently in! You — get me the tuna sub with extra mayo!  And after that, you’re all fired.
  2. SLOGANS.
    150709211727-trump-on-obama-birthplace-sot-cooper-ac-00001004-large-169Hmm…I got a good one. “Let’s Take America Out, Liquor Her Up, Show Her A Good Time Then Steal All Her Cash.” No? How about this, “Let’s Make America”…what? What should I make America? If only I could come up with a benign, fluffy, meaningless word that gets people fired up but conveys just how little I know about actual politics. No worries. It’ll come to me. And after it does, you’re all fired.
  3. PISS PEOPLE OFF.
    Donald-Trump-hairOkay, look. I need to offend huge swaths of people. You — find out which ones! You — find out what swath means! You — get me a Cuban cigar! You — you’re fired because I don’t like your face! You — you’re fired because you were sitting next to that guy I just fired! You — I said EX-TRA MA-YO. What part of that don’t you get? How about this? You are EXTRA fired. 
  4. MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVIL DICTATORS.
    nbc-fires-donald-trump-after-he-calls-mexicans-rapists-and-drug-runnersHere’s the deal, you pathetic losers.  I need to align myself with questionable public figures. I tried to get hold of Paula Deen but she was busy. You yahoos got any other ideas? Kim Jon who? Sounds good.  You — find out who she is! You — find out whether there’s a South Korea!  You in the Subway apron with the girly hair — you’re fired! Heh heh. Nah, I’m kidding. I got carried away there for a sec.  Actually no, you’re still fired.
  5. OVERHAUL WARDROBE.
    djt-hairOK, some joker said I need to appeal to the common people. I need to change up my look. Make myself appear more human, less homicidal-clown-in-a-suit. I’m thinking a blue Wal-Mart vest, a hairnet…maybe a trucker hat. You — get me a trucker hat! You — get me a trucker! You — fire the trucker! Okay…[heavy sigh] well, I am EXHAUSTED.  I think we got this wrapped up, people. Done deal. Now get out of my face, all of you!

Which was good because at that point security was dragging me out by my man bun.

Next up, I go undercover in Investigative Reports: The Bernie Files as he teaches me how to play pinochle and eat coffee-flavored ice cream while falling asleep watching Wheel of Fortune.

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Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

51 thoughts on “Investigative Report: The Trump Files

  1. I bet it was really easy to infiltrate his campaign because there are always tons of vacancies opening up from the people he just fired.
    On the other hand, you probably had to re-infiltrate his campaign a few times a day…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You! You girl! You funny! You, you’re not fired! You need to join Donald’s campaign as his new “you girl” girl and report on his every movement. Except for bowel movements. We ask a lot of you but we’d never ask that. *grin*

    Like

  3. 6. Try not to look so crazy. Get that kookie broad from Alaska, you know, the MILFy one with the glasses. March her out on the stage ahead of me and let her rant about whatever floats into that scary head of hers. I’ll look sane compared to her. Hell! Charles Manson would look sane if you stood him next to that wombat! Also, you’re fired!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. What a storm. One for the ages. I’ve never shoveled so much snow in my life. 2nd worst storm in NYC history. Missed setting a record by 1/10th of an inch. The city is flat on its ass. On Saturday the bridges and tunnels were all closed. You couldn’t get in or out of the city. Fantastic.

        Like

        1. Good lord! Sounds terrible. And you still missed by 1/10th?! They should have given you guys the record. We had about 28 inches here in my town last year in a January blizzard (and we topped 100 inches total by February). Granted, it didn’t shut us down like it would a major city but it still almost pushed me over the edge. We had drifts so high, we had to tunnel our way around town. I feel you for guys, I do. But we’re all just relieved it wasn’t us for once. Now the rest of the country understands why we’re all so pissed off and grumpy up here.

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          1. We were supposed to go to a Bruce Springsteen concert tonight at Madison Square Garden and they cancelled it (thank God). Do you know how bad it has to be to cancel a concert at the Garden? With the loss of revenue? That should give you an idea of how bad it is. But don’t cry for us, Argentina (or Maine). It’s an adventure. The schools are closed tomorrow and my daughters are singing hosannas. It’ll be back to the sled hills (after sleeping in, that is.) I’m going to work. The commute will be sheer hell but I don’t care. I want OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I went undercover by hiding underwater in the hot tub with SCUBA gear. Worst mistake I ever made. There are some things you just can’t un-see. So glad you were there to make this informative (hilarious) report while I am in therapy…

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh, I know, it is sad! I LOVE to play cards! Have you ever played Scat? It is so much fun. I used to win all the time against my brothers, I’d really clean up (we played with quarters). I finally learned how to play poker a few years ago and I’m terrible at it. Nowadays all I play is Uno with my kids…sigh…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Hey, I know how to play piincohle too. Just don’t know how to spell it. Let’s have a card night. I love card night! But there are only 2 of us at home so there aren’t a lot of card games available – a body gets kinda tired of playing Go Fish.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve never felt so close to Donald Trump….or so creeped out. I now realize he is a Stephen King character who has come to life to take over the world. The Maine influence is clear with his declaration of how much he hates March…..

    Like

  6. But you gots to tell me how for every one hilarious send-up of Mr. Trump (such as yours), I hear an equal or greater quantity calling him the next coming. I met a cab driver in Dallas who says this guy is the shit. Like, really? The shit? Many things are okay, but few are the shit.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I think you’re right about his motivation.

        But I think the thing that resonates with so many people is he says what he thinks. You (or me or we) might not think he knows what the hell he’s talking about, but we (or me or you) are so damn sick and tired of politicians – every, single one of them on both sides of the aisle – skating around every issue, trying not to commit to any position until it has been heavily focus-grouped, that his bluntness is, frankly, attractive.

        Like

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