As a full-fledged Nudge Wink Reporter, I had the unique opportunity to infiltrate the Donald Trump headquarters and witness firsthand the conception and inner workings of his presidential campaign. (Mainly because Sean Penn wasn’t available.)
For months I went undercover using various wigs, uniforms, and fake mustaches to blend in. I washed windows, trimmed hedges (i.e., cut Donald’s hair) and scrubbed gold-plated urinals to get close to Trump. What I found out will shock you.
Probably not, but hey, whatevs.
My investigation began on the fateful day Trump decided to run. He spent the day percolating for hours in his massive hot tub, a staff of 20 people (plus one slightly nervous housekeeper with a handlebar mustache) anxiously waiting in the wings.
“I’m bored!” Trump bellowed, plunging his toy battleship into the sudsy water. “Miss America’s crap! Ivana’s on the rag again! God! If only there were something I could do for fun…”
“Sir, you divorced Ivana years ago,” the butler said.
“Are you sure?” Trump asked icily.
“You’re fired. Anyone else got any stupid things to say to me?”
“Um…you could run for President, sir,” suggested a small voice from the depths of the cavernous bathroom.
“President. Of the United States.”
“Eh. Sure, why the hell not? Find out how to do that. But first, get me a towel. And you’re fired.”
“But I’m your daughter, Ivanka.”
“Doubtful. Made-up name. From now on you’ll be known as…March. God, I’ve always hated that month! Now get out of my sight, all of you! Scram!”
It wasn’t long before Trump held his first (and only) board meeting to discuss his presidential strategy. Actually, it wasn’t strategy as much as it was just Trump barking orders at everyone. And this intrepid reporter was right there, posing as a hip bearded Subway caterer and secretly recording everything Donald said with a high-tech microphone embedded man bun.
The following are the actual transcripts of Trump as he unveiled his stunning 5-step plan to become, as he calls it, The Supreme Ruler of All the Stuff:
- THE WALL.
Okay, listen up, numbnuts. I need to build something. So, I’m gonna slam a giant dome over Newark, drop all of my ex-wives inside, and let ’em duke it out to the death in big pools of Jell-O. I see pay-per-view…reality show. Big bucks. No? Not good? Fine, we’ll go with the wall thing then. You — find out what country borders ours! You — find out what country we’re currently in! You — get me the tuna sub with extra mayo! And after that, you’re all fired.
Hmm…I got a good one. “Let’s Take America Out, Liquor Her Up, Show Her A Good Time Then Steal All Her Cash.” No? How about this, “Let’s Make America”…what? What should I make America? If only I could come up with a benign, fluffy, meaningless word that gets people fired up but conveys just how little I know about actual politics. No worries. It’ll come to me. And after it does, you’re all fired.
- PISS PEOPLE OFF.
Okay, look. I need to offend huge swaths of people. You — find out which ones! You — find out what swath means! You — get me a Cuban cigar! You — you’re fired because I don’t like your face! You — you’re fired because you were sitting next to that guy I just fired! You — I said EX-TRA MA-YO. What part of that don’t you get? How about this? You are EXTRA fired.
- MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVIL DICTATORS.
Here’s the deal, you pathetic losers. I need to align myself with questionable public figures. I tried to get hold of Paula Deen but she was busy. You yahoos got any other ideas? Kim Jon who? Sounds good. You — find out who she is! You — find out whether there’s a South Korea! You in the Subway apron with the girly hair — you’re fired! Heh heh. Nah, I’m kidding. I got carried away there for a sec. Actually no, you’re still fired.
- OVERHAUL WARDROBE.
OK, some joker said I need to appeal to the common people. I need to change up my look. Make myself appear more human, less homicidal-clown-in-a-suit. I’m thinking a blue Wal-Mart vest, a hairnet…maybe a trucker hat. You — get me a trucker hat! You — get me a trucker! You — fire the trucker! Okay…[heavy sigh] well, I am EXHAUSTED. I think we got this wrapped up, people. Done deal. Now get out of my face, all of you!
Which was good because at that point security was dragging me out by my man bun.
Next up, I go undercover in Investigative Reports: The Bernie Files as he teaches me how to play pinochle and eat coffee-flavored ice cream while falling asleep watching Wheel of Fortune.