Posted in Floridaborne, Humor, Special Report

Air Pits, Free Editing, and Freezing

))))****SPECIAL REPORT****(((((

TRAVEL EDITION

It’s so special, I’m staying near my toilet in case my stomach turns parenthesis green.

plane crash

1. Why I hate airports (aka airpits)

Here is the nutshell ho-hum version:  At 6:30am Pacific time on January 13,  I left my sister’s home for the hour drive to the airport in Ontario, California.  I’m a TSA Pre® , so I breezed through the line (I highly recommend this system, unless you’re a terrorist.).  The 3 flights home were on time.  EVERY Delta staff person and sky cap was exceptional, and I was on the tarmac in Florida at 11:38pm.

When I flew TO Ontario California on December 23, it was an hour drive to the airport and the same 3 flights backwards.  When you’re poor, your choices are “buy this cheap ticket or hitchhike.”

The FloridaBorne version:  Imagine you’ve just died and gone to hell. (Hey!  I know you’re not going to hell.  Just humor me.) You’re strapped into a roller coaster seat, there’s an e-book bolted to a bar in front of your eyes and you’re told that you have to read a page of it before you can get off.  

Easy, right?

I’m not done yet.

The roller coaster starts…and that’s when the carnie shines into your eyes the brightest spotlight you’ve ever endured.  You try to look away, glancing at the e-book.  The letters have faded into a light gray and the backlighting is now as bright as the spotlight. You close your eyes, hoping the light will go away, but your head wants to explode.  

spotlight interrogation
I’m not monkeying around!

You’re going up, down, around the track as spotlights of every color flow past your war torn eyes. The headache has intensified, threatening to blast out of your temples.  Finally, you reach the exit.

You can’t tell up from down and the world looks a lot like this, only swimmier:

colors
What the airport looks like as people zoom past you from the opposite direction and you’re being pushed at 20mph in a wheelchair inside the giant chamber of light-torture called “The Airport.”

You hold onto the sides just to ensure that you are, indeed, sitting upright and not spinning into a black hole.  

The pain is over

…or is it?

“What’d the book page say?”  The carnie asks.

“Book? What book?” 

“Are you blind?”

“I am now.”

“Hold on tight,”  The carnie says. “You gotta take 2 more rides.” 

You’ve just experienced the twilight zone I call “FloridaBorne at the airpit.”

2.What is the point of this lousy analogy?

This is what the inside lighting of a typical home tends to look like:

well lit home
From:Neonebu.com

This is the lighting inside a typical airport:

typical airport
From: skyscrapercity.com.  All that’s missing are the disco balls.

This is what the inside of my home looks like when the camera flash doesn’t work:

insidecavehome
It’s true…it’s ALL true!

Can you imagine having everything so bright you have to keep your eyes closed?  Did I mention the blinding headaches even with 2 pairs of dark glasses and a hat?

This, dear readers, is the reason I’m wheeled from one gate to the other; not because I’m totally blind (I’m only 1/2 blind), but to prevent “Bowling for Passengers.”  For some reason, people don’t like to be used as bowling pins.

bowling pins
From:  Zazzle.com of course.

3. Why was I in 4 airports for 1/2 a day, and why did I agree to take 3 flights?:

!!!!Free Editing!!!!

Well, it wasn’t quite free.  I still had to tip the skycaps and get a plane ticket.

4.Was it worth it?

You tell me.  I’ll give you a quick tour of my sister’s home.

This is my sister’s 90 pound dog.  She runs the place along with her sidekick, Sunny:

dogcat.jpg

The desk where my sister edited for 3 weeks is in the background.

Here, I’m trying to make the bed in the guest room.  It was such hard work!

100_0544.JPG

First, I had to go to the kitchen, throw a few pieces of meat in the dog bowl and then quickly run back to the room.

Once the dog was otherwise occupied in the kitchen, I had to lift up the bed.  Please ignore the date, it’s off by almost 7 years.  Why did I have to get the camera that has Alzheimer’s?

This was the view of the guest room window  from the back yard as editing progressed:

100_0581

Notice the edge of the 10-person hot tub I never used, and the edge of the pool that no one wants to swim in when it’s 50F.

Now for a picture of the outside world from inside the guest room:

100_0557

Yes. That’s snow on the mountains.  Yes, that cloud was preparing to dump rain on us.  Yes, that’s supposed to be a pool.  Any other questions?

Did I hear someone ask what the hot tub looks like during the worst part of their yearly 3-day rainy season?

hot tub

During the 21 days of hell I put my sister through, she complained to all her friends that I’d chained her to her desk.

With this view out your window, would you care if you were chained to your desk?

100_0503

5.Getting away from it none:  From the refrigerator to the freezer.

I did take one day for sightseeing.  My sister’s friend, Bob, bought a cozy little place in Arrowhead. It’s 5,700 feet up and his backyard is about 50 feet of mountain slope that stops where the road winds upward to make a curve toward his front yard. 

This is the front of his house from the road, You can barely see the loft through the trees, and the window is for 1 of the 2 first floor bedrooms.
100_0631

 

Just in case you’re wondering if this is a remote hide-a-way, there are houses 30 feet to the left and right for about the next 20 miles.  Sort of like wooden sardines packed upright in the ice. 

This is the view from their living room porch (aka, backyard).  The bottom half of these trees are firmly adhered to the sloping edge of the mountainside.

100_0636

This is a picture of Bob and his housemate, Shane, standing in the living room, the loft and its window showing above them.  What isn’t pictured is the windowless family room below them, accessible by a spiral staircase.

100_0632

If you took the same house and moved it near my home in North Florida, it’d be 10 times cheaper.

This picture was taken in back of a McDonald’s on Lake Arrowhead.

lakearrowhead

I considered buying something to drink at this upscale fast food establishment, but after finding out what Bob’s house costs, I was afraid to look at the menu.

If you’re wondering why…

…at home, this is what my car looks like when the family is preparing to go for a ride:

family ride

This is what Bob’s car looks like in the snow (notice that his tires actually have tread):

100_0625

Shane is showing you the depth of the snow and providing a comparison for the size of Bob’s car.

You’d think of a trip to California as fun, sun and frolicking.  But if it wasn’t the cold stares from my sister, who hates editing, it was the cold wind, rain and snow

Wish I could say it was great to get back to Florida, but as I write this, it’s 30 degrees, the heater is begging for a break, and the dogs are begging for more warmth:  

coldzombies
They’re so cold their eyes have turned to ice.  That’s what happens when the temperature plunges under 70F in Florida.

I gave them a choice: Get under the covers or be grateful they weren’t outside dogs. Fat White Dog and Errrrr Dog chose the former shortly after turning into Zombies, but Dingo Mutt chose the ladder.

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Author:

Crabby person who likes to rant. Reading it is free so remember-- you get what you pay for. Well endowed with the multi-layered weirdness that lurks inside a not-quite-right-mind. That's how I write SciFi. Crabby, weird, and to make matters worse, I write poetry. Some of it is even...shudder...nice. I feel like a sandwich that went on a journey of self-discovery just to find I was pastrami with Maraschino Cherries, hot peppers, the contents of an MRE and broccoli on gluten free cheese bread. After that kind of trauma no 'wich is the same again.

12 thoughts on “Air Pits, Free Editing, and Freezing

    1. I’ve lived in the Midwest. Comparing their tornado’s to Florida is like comparing the damage wrought by a unicycle to a truck. Lightning attacks more people than any natural disaster other than hurricanes. It seems to prefer striking golfers. 🙂

      Unless you come to Florida the same day you decide you want to visit, Winter in Florida can mean anything from flooding in 40F weather to sunny skies and 85F. Only die-hard gambler make a reservation 4 months in advance. Just a few days ago it was 30F at night and went up to 70 a few hours later.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is kind of crazy. Of course friends only post those pictures from the beautiful, hot, sunny days. We fall for it hook line and sinker. The day after the tornado we left in shorts and 24C. It was really humid and sweaty. By the time we stopped that night (still in Florida) it was -3C. I was stopping at rest stops and adding layers all the way.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You have, indeed, experienced winter in Florida. Did you know there are people who decide to move to Florida permanently? When you’re born here, you don’t notice it as much, but to someone used to cooler, dryer weather, Florida in summer is like swimming in sweat.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. There are a lot of people from Canada who live in the Palm Springs, California area for 6 months. I was told by one of the snowbirds a few weeks ago that the Canadian dollar is worth 1/2 of the US dollar and many Canadians couldn’t afford to spend the winter in the US this year.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. It has been really bad for the Canadian dollar this year. A lot Canadians have changed their time away because of it. I do know some of our friends are considering selling up to avoid any more overwhelming expenses. We are fortunate that we have some clients who pay in US dollars so we keep it in US dollars for when we are in the US. Then we don’t get dinged on the exchange.

                Liked by 1 person

  1. The things a writer will go through for free editing.

    My 2 sisters and I are going to visit my kids in California in a few weeks. We’re a couple of states over, so we’re taking different flights. I’ve got a 4 hour direct shot that cost me less than $200 round trip. One sister is on 3 flights with 2 layovers so she is spending half of the trip in airports, gets in way after dinner the first day, and it’s costing her 3 times my price.

    Gee, I’m glad I’m not her.

    Liked by 1 person

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