Greetings from NWR’s resident 5-minute researcher and quasi-reporter. I’ll have you know that this interview contains bleach but has nothing to do with laundry.
I considered writing about the woman who was found guilty of workplace bullying because she unfriended a colleague on Facebook.
But that could only happen in Tasmania….right? Soon we’ll be able to push the “dislike” button on FB (not to be confused with FloridaBorne’s nickname). The word “entrapment” comes to mind. I wonder if 10 pushes of the “dislike” button = 1 fine for bullying? But, as usual, I digress. I’ll leave the ridiculousness of this particular piece of “justice” to someone who wants to expound upon it.
Back to the subject of strep.
Today’s interview was inspired by—of course—something that affected me. Therefore, it is of great importance.
I took great pains to find an intelligent specimen, set up the microscopic microphone and develop a meager rapport before doing this interview.
FloridaBorne: Why does the strep virus like to invade human bodies?
Strep: I’m not a virus, I’m a bacteria. And I don’t like nicknames. Grrrr.
FB: Then what should I call you.
FB: I’m not as smart as you. How ‘bout if I call you Cuss for short.
Strep: If you can’t spell more than 5 letters at a time then go ahead, call me strep. But remember, I’m a vengeful sort.
FB: I know, you tend to go for the throat.
Strep: You don’t know the half of it, puny human. I, the great Streptococcus, am responsible for more carnage than a mere sore throat. I cause Impetigo, Scarlet fever, Cellulitis, and Toxic Shock syndrome. Put that in your tampon and shove it up your…
FB: No need to be graphic about it. Besides, I don’t need a tampon. I’ve done been fixed.
Strep: I also cause blood infections, pneumonia, meningitis and urinary tract infections. I so love my work.
FB: I’m sure you do. I love antibiotics, too.
Strep: Lowly human! I am a drug resistant strain! There are more than 90 of us…and counting! I, the great Streptococcus, have mutated into the walking, talking, thinking, hanky-panking whopper of all bacteria!
FB: Hey, megalobrainiac, I came to this interview armed with Prevnar.
Strep: Unbelievable! You came to a swordfight armed with a sheath? Prevnar is a vaccine, you moron! It doesn’t stop the invasion, it simply stops you from contracting pneumonia!
FB: All righty then, I’ll put a little cat food on top of you and simply feed you to my dog.
Strep: Good choice! I can live in your dog without any problem and reinfect you. That’s a great way to continue my mutation.
FB: I’ll eat more meat so I can stay strong and resist you!
Strep: That’s a great idea, too. Where do you think I began mutating in the first place? So many antibiotics are used on cattle, pigs and chickens it creates a veritable petri dish of possibilities.
FB: See this cap I’m holding in my hand. It contains bleach.
FB: Yes, you enemy of humanity, you instigator of indigestion, you terrorist of the tender tonsil, I’ve soaked my tooth brush in bleach, added it to my laundry, and I’m taking an effective antibiotic!
Strep: Oh, no! You’re….you’re a…A Wal-Martian!?!?!?
FB: Only once every 3 months at 2am. Die, wretched cuss. Diiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!!!!
That was, regrettably, the end of my interview. After my fever went down, there wasn’t another intelligent cuss remaining.
I’m better now. Honest.