Posted in Floridaborne, Humor, Special Report

Interview with a strep-virus

strep
Strep.  Reminds me of a design on cheap polyester clothing I saw in a catalogue. Maybe this is why the purple stuff is always the last to sell? From http://www.cdc.com

)))))*****SPECIAL REPORT*****(((((

Greetings from NWR’s resident 5-minute researcher and quasi-reporter.  I’ll have you know that this interview contains bleach but has nothing to do with laundry.

I considered writing about the woman who was found guilty of workplace bullying because she unfriended a colleague on Facebook.

https://www.rt.com/news/316581-facebook-bullying-australia-friend/

But that could only happen in Tasmania….right?  Soon we’ll be able to push the “dislike” button on FB (not to be confused with FloridaBorne’s nickname).  The word “entrapment” comes to mind.  I wonder if 10 pushes of the “dislike” button = 1 fine for bullying?  But, as usual, I digress.  I’ll leave the ridiculousness of this particular piece of “justice” to someone who wants to expound upon it.

Back to the subject of strep.

Today’s interview was inspired by—of course—something that affected me.  Therefore, it is of great importance.

I took great pains to find an intelligent specimen, set up the microscopic microphone and develop a meager rapport before doing this interview.

FloridaBorne:  Why does the strep virus like to invade human bodies?

Strep:  I’m not a virus, I’m a bacteria.  And I don’t like nicknames. Grrrr.

FB:   Then what should I call you.

Strep:   Streptococcus.

FB:  I’m not as smart as you.  How ‘bout if I call you Cuss for short.

Strep:  If you can’t spell more than 5 letters at a time then go ahead, call me strep.  But remember, I’m a vengeful sort. 

FB:   I know, you tend to go for the throat.

Strep:  You don’t know the half of it, puny human.  I, the great Streptococcus, am responsible for more carnage than a mere sore throat.   I cause Impetigo, Scarlet fever, Cellulitis, and Toxic Shock syndrome.  Put that in your tampon and shove it up your…

FB:   No need to be graphic about it.  Besides,  I don’t need a tampon.  I’ve done been fixed.

Strep:  I also cause blood infections, pneumonia, meningitis and urinary tract infections.  I so love my work.

FB:  I’m sure you do.  I love antibiotics, too.

Strep:  Lowly human!  I am a drug resistant strain!  There are more than 90 of us…and counting!  I, the great Streptococcus, have mutated into the walking, talking, thinking, hanky-panking whopper of all bacteria!

FB:  Hey, megalobrainiac, I came to this interview armed with Prevnar.

Strep:  Unbelievable!  You came to a swordfight armed with a sheath?  Prevnar is a vaccine, you moron!  It doesn’t stop the invasion, it simply stops you from contracting pneumonia!

FB:  All righty then, I’ll put a little cat food on top of you and simply feed you to my dog.

sickasadog

Strep:  Good choice!  I can live in your dog without any problem and reinfect you.  That’s a great way to continue my mutation.

FB:  I’ll eat more meat so I can stay strong and resist you!

Strep:  That’s a great idea, too.  Where do you think I began mutating in the first place?  So many antibiotics are used on cattle, pigs and chickens it creates a veritable petri dish of possibilities.

FB:  See this cap I’m holding in my hand.  It contains bleach.

bleach

Strep:  Bleach? 

FB:  Yes, you enemy of humanity, you instigator of indigestion, you terrorist of the tender tonsil, I’ve soaked my tooth brush in bleach, added it to my laundry, and I’m taking an effective antibiotic!

walmartian

Strep:  Oh, no!  You’re….you’re a…A Wal-Martian!?!?!?

FB:  Only once every 3 months at 2am.  Die, wretched cuss.  Diiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!!!!

Strep:  gurgle…gurgle…bleah.

<_><_><_><_><_>

That was, regrettably, the end of my interview.  After my fever went down, there wasn’t another intelligent cuss remaining.

I’m better now.  Honest.

Cough…cough…bleah.

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Author:

Crabby person who likes to rant. Reading it is free so remember-- you get what you pay for. Well endowed with the multi-layered weirdness that lurks inside a not-quite-right-mind. That's how I write SciFi. Crabby, weird, and to make matters worse, I write poetry. Some of it is even...shudder...nice. I feel like a sandwich that went on a journey of self-discovery just to find I was pastrami with Maraschino Cherries, hot peppers, the contents of an MRE and broccoli on gluten free cheese bread. After that kind of trauma no 'wich is the same again.

22 thoughts on “Interview with a strep-virus

  1. I read this post then rushed to wash my hands. I guess maybe NWR should add healthcare for its employees. So effective immediately, there’s a box of handi-wipes in the bottom left hand drawer of Dave’s desk. Under the trashy mags and behind the bottle of Jim Beam.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sadly, I must decline the request for illustrations and speech bubbles. I tell people all the time that I can screw up anything that has moving parts, software, or requires manual dexterity of any sort. NWR is quite fortunate that I haven’t messed up the site yet. Unless I already have and forgot.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m just beginning my cleaning ritual. Maybe a little bit of bleach added to my bath water? Speaking of bathing, I’ll shower the dog down and finish with a bleach rinse. I guess I should spray bleach on this stew meat before I cook it, too. The only thing I won’t need to bleach is my asthma inhalers. All this chlorine gas will get me before I have time to suck air from that lifesaving canister.

    P.S. My cremation will kill my remaining strep germs, won’t it?
    ☕️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I like bleach. Not the smell, but like you, I know it’s killing the bad guys.

        Cute post, by the way, just sorry you had to go thru the sickness.

        The photo of the Walmart lady reminded me of myself. I feel like collapsing after the half hour wait in line!
        ☕️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My body is colonized with every resistent bacteria known to our antibiotic rich society after all my years working in ‘health’ care. Luckily my immune system is as brutal and crafty as ISIS….for now. You’ve reminded me of the possibilities if something goes awry. I prefer to sanitize from the inside out, with the age old remedy from Dave’s desk….Jim Beam.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I could only drink. But alas, gastroparesis has robbed me of that pleasure.

      I was surprised to find that bleach kills more germs and disinfects better than alcohol. But it’s doubtful you’d survive a glass of bleach on the rock. 🙂

      Like

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