Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, News

Loose Change From The Backseat

You may have seen the news story last week about the Ku Klux Klan leader who was caught having sex with a black male prostitute who was dressed like a woman.  As a member of the crack writing staff at NWR, I can’t see a story like that and just read it for the information provided and move on to the next article.  I have an obligation to the blog reading community to delve further into the topic and see if there is humor potential.

GIF of Jaime Foxx from Tumblr dot com. There is no indication that the man in the story looked this lovely.
GIF of Jaime Foxx from Tumblr dot com. There is no indication that the man in the story looked this lovely.

The average person might not immediately see the subtle nuances of irony in this story.  Luckily for these average people, I saw that same article.  In an unprecedented post, I’m about to give the reader a look behind the scenes and expose the creative, investigatory, word-writing-blog-making process which I usually keep secret.

  • Step 1: While sitting at my kitchen counter, looking at the computer yesterday it occurs to me that I’m due to post a blog here today.
  • Step 2: Look over my shoulder to check for any nearby grandchildren or Popes.
  • Step 3: Curse loudly and minimize my fantasy football and Lithuanian knee porn sites to begin to look for something to write about.
  • Step 4: Begin looking at various search engines for news stories which might fit NWR’s strict standards for topics.
  • Step 4.1: Look for the old email which outlines NWR’s strict standards.
  • Step 4.2: Give up looking for the aforementioned email and get up to let the dog out.
  • Step 5: Scribble possible stories to write about on the back of an envelope.
  • Step 6: Go waste time on Facebook, only to have a friend from high school instant message me about the KKK-black-male-hooker-in-drag story, suggesting that it would be a great blog topic.
  • Step 7: Pretend that I’ve already seen the story to save face with a woman I haven’t seen since 1977.
  • Step 8: Make a note of the other stories on the envelope for potential use on my own, neglected blog at some point in the future.
  • Step 9: Let the dog back in and start thinking about dinner.

Now I’ve given you a tiny glimpse into the process.  This kind of legwork isn’t glamorous.  It’s the nitty gritty backbone of investigative humor writing.  Without these initial steps, it would be impossible to arrive at the finished post (Maybe not impossible for you, but this is my process).

Now that I’ve passed the germination stage of the story, I’m able to move on to the fermentation process.  This part is not nearly as scientific as the first, and involves a good deal of what one might call “randomized free-thinking”  (This is particularly likely if one were trying to come up with a snazzy phrase to put in a blog to make people think you’re some kind of creative genius).

During this phase my mind can run wild while the outer me goes through paces of my plain, work-a-day life.  My coworkers, family members and fellow grocery shoppers have no idea of the maelstrom of thoughts swirling through my brain at these times.  Here’s a snippet to give you some insight:

…glance at shopping list…no almond milk on it, but i think we’re low, better safe than sorry, this shit won’t expire till 2016…the little basket is getting heavy…i should have grabbed a cart instead…careful not to have the almond milk carton fall on the tomatoes and bruise them…if so, it’s back to the produce aisle…kkk is a racist organization which also hates jews and homosexuals…kkk leader caught with a black male prostitute masquerading as a woman…this seems like it might have some humor potential and irony…would have been really, really ironic if the black male prostitute was jewish….damn this stupid basket is getting heavy…look at that lady over by the bulk foods wearing those yoga pants…yowza…kids today and their tight clothes…crap, i  put the almond milk on top of the list…kkk guy was caught with the hooker in the back of a car…woulda been more poignant  if they were caught in the back of a bus…don’t forget bread crumbs, you always forget bread crumbs…how do you fit in the backseat of a car with one of those tall, pointy hats on?… there’s little miss yoga pants again…

Image from the internet, with cool artsy additions by the author. Nazi tattoo and nipple rings added for comedic effect and proper accessorizing.
Image from the internet, with cool artsy additions by the author. Nazi tattoo and nipple rings added for comedic effect and proper accessorizing.

It may be worth pointing out to the readers that at this point in the creative process, I’ve yet to actually type out a single word!

Two thoughts occurred to me while in the check out line:

  1. The idea of the KKK wanting to screw the black man seems like a natural joke, but I need to be careful not to upset the powerful screw manufacturers’ lobby.
  2.  I forgot the damn bread crumbs.

Armed with two heavy shopping bags and a head full of potential funny, I leave the supermarket and head to my car.  Once the perishables are safely put in the fridge, I’ll sit down and start weaving this story into an amusing blog.  I absently wonder if Miss Yoga pants parked anywhere near me.

 

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

24 thoughts on “Loose Change From The Backseat

  1. Reblogged this on 1pointperspective and commented:

    It’s my turn over at The Nudge Wink Report. I’ve decided to take readers behind the scenes for a raw look at the creative process. This roller coaster ride of personal expression may be too much for the faint of heart. Hopefully it doesn’t ruin the magic of not knowing where blogs come from.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m impressed. This level of dedication by one of our Field Reporters is truly awe inspiring. It’s almost like you know what you’re doing! I told you joining NWR would reap big benefits. Where else could you fulfill your life-long fantasy of working yoga pants and the KKK into a post?

    This is award-winning material. Expect a call from Stephen Colbert’s staff at any moment. If Oma can make it to early morning television, you can conquer prime time. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I usually try to wear black (you know, for slimming effect”) so my legs look like a couple of badly charred bratwurst Wrapped in neoprene. My grandpa once described a woman’s derrière when she walked as resembling “two hogs wrestling in a gunny sack”. That visual imagery has stuck with me all these years. Love this comment…this trend must stop!!!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I loved this look into your creative process. Mine usually involves…hell, who am I kidding? I’m gonna try your process to see if it works for me. Except at the grocery store here in Florida I’m likely to only see varicose veins and fungal toenails, permed blue-tinted hair, and motorized scooters. Guess I’ll just stick with just living vicariously through others.

    Like

  4. I’m with Katy. I need to try your writing process. Maybe get some grocery shopping done at the same time. But tirst, I need to get a dog to let in and out. Whenever I need to cough up a blog post, I usually sit and stare at a blank notebook page for days. Then suddenly an idea comes out all at once and I scribble some crap down as fast as I can. I remember someone said to me writing is like throwing up on a page. So true. Painful and messy but such a relief once it’s done.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was really concentrating on your great tips on preparation, taking notes about the creative process, and then I scrolled down and caught the picture of the KKK nipple-ring dude, and all thinking went out the window. BWAAAAAHAHAHA!

    Like

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