Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

Gas Crisis in the Garden State

This is the kind of story that practically writes itself.  Considering my lack of energy and creativity, I’m all over this gem like stink on poop.

A lawsuit filed against the largest pork roll maker in the state of New Jersey alleges that an employee was fired for farting too much.

For those of you who’d rather not click on the link, here’s the gist of it: A woman named Louann Clem has filed suit against the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, NJ.  She alleges that her husband Rich Clem was fired for farting too often in the office.  Mr. Clem reportedly had some serious flatulence issues along with explosive diarrhea since having gastric bypass surgery.

Mr. Clem was given the option of working from home.  The article, which was likely eliminated from Pulitzer Prize eligibility based on content alone, stated that Mrs. Clem worked there too.  The author did not clarify whether this referred to the Clem home or the pork roll manufacturer’s stinky office.

Like many poorly written articles, this one left more questions than answers.  Allow me to clarify a few things for you, my gentle readers.

Okay, I have enough for me, what are you guys having? Image from cynicbytrade At Blogspot dot com.
Okay, I have enough for me, what are you guys having? Image from cynicbytrade At Blogspot dot com.

Pork roll is a delicious meat product which is beloved by many carnivores in the exotic land of New Jersey*.  It is typically enjoyed as a breakfast meat, but has been known to make appearances at lunch and even dinner.  Like it’s less glamorous cousin scrapple, it is made of indeterminate pieces of piggies and would likely cause illness in lab animals, partly because it may also contain lab animals.  It’s salty and it’s just a little tangy, and unlike putty-colored scrapple, it’s actually pink.

New Jersey is a small, but densely populated state sandwiched between New York, Pennsylvania and the Atlantic Ocean.  The northern residents tend to consider themselves New Yorkers, while those in the southern half of the state identify more with Philadelphia.  The coastal residents identify more with Bruce Springsteen and will tell you how they know someone who knows someone who knows him.  The current governor of the Garden State is running for the republican presidential nomination and hasn’t actually been in the state in months, with the possible exception of making the occasional pork roll stop between debates.

This is Chris Christie eating a donut on Letterman. I like to imagine that he'd prefer those to my beloved pork roll. Image from freedomoutpost dot com
This is Chris Christie eating a donut on Letterman. I like to imagine that he’d prefer those to my beloved pork roll. Image from freedomoutpost dot com

Gastric bypass surgery has been around for a while.  My understanding is that it involves shrinking the stomach to help the morbidly obese lose weight.  The dietary intake is reduced considerably to somewhere between a 1/4 and a 1/2 cup of food per meal.  Even if you crush them up, that will only equal 3 decent sized cookies.  I would think that 1/2 cup of pork roll would be far more satisfying.

One can feel some degree of compassion for Mr. Clem who underwent surgery with the assumption that he would eventually avoid being fat shamed only to become a target of fart shaming.  As for his wife, we can only guess she filed the suit partly because she had believed her husband’s statements that the malodorous air quality in Casa Clem was due to the couple’s dog, an aging Schnauzer named Yahtzee.

Yahtzee! Image from pinterest dot com.
Yahtzee! Image from pinterest dot com.

As someone who doesn’t work in the processed meat field, I have no idea how one could do that sort of work from home.  I can only presume that Mr. C worked in the accounting end of the business and was neither a grinder mechanic nor a squeegee operator.  It stands to reason that while the professionals on the production floor are not likely strangers to pungent aromas, those in the accounting and sales cubicles may be a little more sensitive to being crop dusted by Big Rich** during his many trips to the men’s room.

This photo has been around forever, and is inserted in this post for cubicle humor only. Image from sodahead dot com.
This photo has been around forever, and is inserted in this post for cubicle humor only. Image from sodahead dot com.

As for the trips to the bathroom, I can’t help but wonder how Mr. Clem’s flatulence could have been prolific enough to warrant his losing his job.  Anyone who has experienced the diagnosis of explosive diarrhea will  tell you that farting can be quite a roll of the dice.  From a semantics standpoint, I find the use of the adjective “explosive” to be somewhat redundant – I can’t recall ever suffering from any kind of the runs other than the explosive variety.  That being said, people may be trying to eat, so I’ll just wrap this up.

 

*New Jersey has Atlantic City casinos and legal online poker.  As such, I am adding my own special betting line for this post, which I will eventually reveal in the comments section.  I cannot disclose the bet I have with myself, but I will tell you that I’m betting that it will happen by the 11th comment.

**I have literally no idea if anyone ever referred to Mr. Rich Clem by this nickname, but it was certainly a possibility.

 

 

 

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

39 thoughts on “Gas Crisis in the Garden State

  1. I’m the 11th *liker*!! Does that count???? Oh…fartshame, fartshame…you said 11th comment-er or would that be comment-or? No matter. I want the prize. My prize…where’s my prize? Love and hugs, Darling, from aerated, beautiful downtown Portland…

    Like

  2. This post was so well written one can only assume you consumed a certain amount of the product under discussion. I’m talking pork roll, not Mr. C. And while I’m ever so grateful for the little gems of wisdom that come from reading your posts, I’m really happy right now that the Internet has yet to invent a working version of “smell-o-net.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The pork roll reminds me of my youth when we had fried bologna for random meals, like breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yum! I think I see a new category of disability (UF – uncontrolled flatulence) that requires legal protection in the work place. Can the Clem clan be the leaders of a new explosive movement that will allow sufferers of UF to say FU when told to work from home?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Has anyone out there ever eaten “Kapusta?” A delicious Ukrainian soup made of split lentils, sauerkraut and dried mushrooms; not to be boiled for less than six hours. The flatulence may not be projectile but it is bombastic; may god have mercy on their souls.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I assume that Mr. Clem asked his wife to file the lawsuit, because he had realized that if he were to show up in court to file the lawsuit himself, it would have ended with the judge immediately ruling for the employer at best, and at worst, with being put in jail for 40-50 counts of contempt of court, using explosive materials on public property, and assault with biological weapons.

    Like

  6. Oh my gosh. You all are hysterical, if a bit irreverent . No wonder their dog looked pitiful. You would too if you lived in a house where bomblastic projectiles threatened you at all times of the day and night. The dog probably does NOT sleep in the bed with Mr.C. Probably not in the same room. In fact, a dog house in the next block would be a vacation for this poor mutt.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Okay gambling fans. The bet I had with myself was how many comments it would take before someone made a reference to New Jersey smelling bad. To my utter surprise, no one did. Keeping it classy, you commenters!

    Like

  8. It’s newsworthy nuggets like this (and your oh-so-special handling of them) that make life worth living.

    Interesting how Mrs. Clem is bringing suit, not Mr. Clem. Are damages based on reverse Loss of Consortium? She doesn’t want to consort with him and wants him out of the home and back at Casa De Porkville?

    Even if every, single one of his civil rights had been violated, and his attorney thought they would cleanup big-time on this suit, I wouldn’t think there would be enough money in the world to make someone go public with this kind of information about themselves. When will I learn?

    Liked by 1 person

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