Patrick and hot dog

photo by Shallow Reflections

Remember when we affectionately referred to cigarettes as cancer sticks? Well, there is a new cancer stick in town, and it is called a hot dog.

The World Health Organization claims there is conclusive evidence that processed meats like bacon, hot dogs, and ham can cause colon and stomach cancer.

Apparently second-hand smoke is bad even when it cures your heavenly bacon. And heaven is a place you’ll be checking out for real, if you continue your daily bacon habit.

WHO went on to point a self-righteous chicken finger at all red meat, which apparently includes beef, lamb and pork, saying it ‘possibly’ causes cancer.

When did pork jump the farm fence and cross-breed with red meat? I thought it was the ‘other white meat,’ which would imply incestuous relationships with chicken. And what does ‘possibly’ mean?

There was uproar over the suggestion that eating processed meat compares to smoking, but the experts agree that smoking poses a much higher cancer risk. With research claiming that sitting is the new smoking, is sitting and eating a hot dog the new chain-smoking?

If you wash your hot dog down with a beer in a room with asbestos tiles, you might as well get your affairs in order, because you are going down.

I’m feeling a rumble deep within my colon, and I just coughed up a lung thinking about the risk of multiple risks.

How much carcinogen stuffed meat must you stuff into your gullet to make you vulnerable to the Big C? Spin the wheel of misfortune and when it lands on 50 grams a day, you can declare yourself the winner of cutting edge chemo.

Since I am an American and we never adopted the metric system, I have no concept of how much 50 grams is, but 50 sounds like a hefty amount. So I’m estimating it is a typical American serving of meat, covering half a turkey platter. I can live with that.

If I decide to ban these poisons from my diet, how can I get my recommended daily allowance of protein?

  • Fish is an alternative that sounds good in theory. Until I smell it cooking, choke it down despite nausea, and develop mercury poisoning.
  • I like beans, but my delicate digestive system has another opinion. What good is being alive if no one can stand to be around me?
  • Chicken is great, but have you heard about how they fatten up on a diet of antibiotics and hormones? Yikes!
  • I have a friend who served in the Peace Corps in Africa, and did not have access to red meat for several months. Her craving for meat prompted her to kill a goat with her bare hands. I think I could do that. So no, vegetarian is NOT an option for me.

I am a carnivore all the way. Or should I say ‘cancivore?’

The good news is that WHO softened their message quickly to avoid the ire of pig and cattle ranchers, when they learned how many guns they own. And now their twitter feed is oozing with herpes tweets.

Meanwhile in another story about deadly dogs, did you hear about the chocolate lab named Trigger who shot his owner while they were out on a hunting trip? He was both a bad shot (hit her in the foot) and bad at covering up his crime.

Could this be a worldwide epidemic that needs more investigation? Just how many hunting ‘accidents’ involve a hunting dog?

Anyone want to come over for a barbecue? We’ll lock the dog up in the house, stand behind a bullet proof shield, and eat goat meat. Shaped like hot dogs.

Everything in moderation, right? Even panic.