Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Also, don't hate me because I'm king.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Also, don’t hate me because I’m king.

These days it seems like every time you turn on the boob tube, there’s another millionaire tossing his or her expensive, designer hat into the ring for the next go round for the presidency.  No self-respecting White House wannabee would jump into that race without throwing around some big promises.

Their grand, empty words have inspired me to make a few campaign pledges of my own.  My first promise is to keep this post to under 500 words to appeal to those who don’t want to spend too much time reading.  As an added bonus, I’ll sprinkle it with lots of pictures, so I can call it a photo essay.

Here now, in no particular order, are my promises if I was somehow put in charge of a variety of things:

  • If I ran the local pharmacy, I’d either do something about this stain on the floor, or at least rearrange the products to keep this from looking as unfortunate as it does.
Photo by the author

Photo by the author

 

  • If I ran the the underwear division of Adidas, I’d question the wisdom of packaging men’s underwear in Zip-lock style, “stay fresh” pouches. I can tell you from personal experience, these things don’t work. It turns out you have to launder these undies after 3 or 4 days of wearing them, just like their competitor’s products.
Photo by the author

Photo by the author

 

  • If I ran the arts-in-public-spaces office at the Tampa International Airport, I’d have nixed the use of this accent of tile work on the floor just outside the entrance to the bathroom.
Photo of the floor outside the men's room at Tampa Intl by the author

Photo of the floor outside the men’s room at Tampa Intl by the author

 

  • If I ran the Small Business Administration, I’d encourage more entrepreneurs to trick out company vehicles, making the highways and bi-ways of this fine country look a little more like the back straight at Daytona.
Photo by the author

Photo by the author

 

  • If I ran the Department of Transportation, I’d pass legislation to force airlines to stop making seats smaller and just skip ahead to allowing the transportation of human beings in individual vertical pods.  Airlines can offest the costs of retrofitting their fleets by upcharging pod-flyers for claustrophobia medications and catheters.  There will loopholes in the laws to allow for the stacking of pods like cord-wood if it significantly improves efficiency.
Photo of the author's lap while seated in an airline seat.

Photo of the author’s lap while seated in an airline seat.  I thank my lucky stars that I don’t possess child-bearing hips.

 

  • It I ran the Buffalo Bill Cody Center of the West Museum in Wyoming, I’d encourage changing the policy to include checking concealed firearms as well.

 

Museum door photo by the author.

Museum door photo by the author.

 

 

  • If I ran the Department of Agriculture, I’d look into the Canadian coconut market.  The tropical fruit trade is competitive enough without having to include countries whose southernmost border is north of Detroit.

coconut