Happy Fourth of July, America! So, do you think you’re patriotic enough*? Let’s find out!

Whose signature is the largest on the Declaration of Independence?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Samuel Adams

c) J O H N   H A N C O C K

Answer: c

Who thought John Hancock was the world’s biggest pompous ass?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Everyone
c) Everyone but especially Thomas Jefferson

Answer: c

What is written upside down on the back of the Declaration of Independence?

a) “Original Declaration of Independence dated 4th July 1776”
b) “Made in China”
c) “Let it be forever known thou shalt never permit Nicolas Cage to star in a moving picture show about this document.”
d) A series of complicated hieroglyphics that when deciphered states: “We hereby surmise Nicolas Cage shall be the worst actor alive or dead. He must be stopped at all costs forthwith. Posthaste. That means right away. Immediately. What are thou standing there for? We said FORTHWITH!”

Answer: I think we all know it’s d.


What are the first seven words of the Declaration?

a) “When in the course of human events”
b) “When we get taxed, you get axed”
c) “Always pair your powdered wig with tights”

Answer: a (but really should have been c)

How many hot dogs are consumed on July 4th every year in the US?

a) 50 million
b) 150 million
c) 200 million

Answer: b

How many hot dogs are burnt to a crisp, then served tasting mysteriously like Coors Lite and grass clippings?

a) All of them.

How many minutes does Aunt Irene leave the potato salad outside at the BBQ before food poisoning becomes a serious threat?

a) 60 minutes
b) 120 minutes
c) 0 minutes because it sat on her kitchen counter at home for 5 hours prior to the BBQ

Answer: c … and please pass the antibiotics.

Who invented fireworks?

a) United States
b) China
c) Some jerk who hates dogs

Answer: c. Man, I hate that guy.



Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag.

False. However she did design a red, white and blue pot holder for Thomas Jefferson lovingly hand stitched with the words: “You Ain’t No John Hancock”

"Liberty Bell 1872 - crop" by Digitized by WehwaltNot known. Copyrighted 1872 - File:Liberty Bell 1872.jpgIndependence National Historic Park Library and Archives, Philadelphia PA. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons -

“Liberty Bell 1872 – crop” by Digitized by Wehwalt. Copyrighted 1872 -Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons –

The Liberty Bell was cracked because it was sent on seven trips to various expeditions and celebrations.

False.  The initial crack was due to Peter Brady’s refusal to heed the sage advice “Don’t play ball in the house.” Here’s proof:

After an unfortunate basketball shot missed a waste paper basket and nailed an ugly vase, it ricocheted off Marcia’s nose and smashed the Liberty Bell Mr. Brady had recently bought for a quarter at Sam the Butcher’s yard sale.

Sadly, Peter made the fatal mistake of hastily piecing the Liberty Bell back together using a mixture of  Elmer’s Glue, Hubba Bubba and Cindy’s tears.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady’s punishment was brutal and swift : “We hereby declare there shall be no camping for Peter, and thy brothers and sisters shall cleaneth the window screens forthwith.” Moral of the story: Always blame Alice.




* According to Fox News — doubtful.