Posted in Humor, She's A Maineiac

How Patriotic Are You? Take This Quiz!

fireworks

Happy Fourth of July, America! So, do you think you’re patriotic enough*? Let’s find out!

Whose signature is the largest on the Declaration of Independence?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Samuel Adams

c) J O H N   H A N C O C K

Answer: c

Who thought John Hancock was the world’s biggest pompous ass?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Everyone
c) Everyone but especially Thomas Jefferson

Answer: c

What is written upside down on the back of the Declaration of Independence?

a) “Original Declaration of Independence dated 4th July 1776”
b) “Made in China”
c) “Let it be forever known thou shalt never permit Nicolas Cage to star in a moving picture show about this document.”
d) A series of complicated hieroglyphics that when deciphered states: “We hereby surmise Nicolas Cage shall be the worst actor alive or dead. He must be stopped at all costs forthwith. Posthaste. That means right away. Immediately. What are thou standing there for? We said FORTHWITH!”

Answer: I think we all know it’s d.

national_treasure2

What are the first seven words of the Declaration?

a) “When in the course of human events”
b) “When we get taxed, you get axed”
c) “Always pair your powdered wig with tights”

Answer: a (but really should have been c)

How many hot dogs are consumed on July 4th every year in the US?

a) 50 million
b) 150 million
c) 200 million

Answer: b

How many hot dogs are burnt to a crisp, then served tasting mysteriously like Coors Lite and grass clippings?

a) All of them.

How many minutes does Aunt Irene leave the potato salad outside at the BBQ before food poisoning becomes a serious threat?

a) 60 minutes
b) 120 minutes
c) 0 minutes because it sat on her kitchen counter at home for 5 hours prior to the BBQ

Answer: c … and please pass the antibiotics.

Who invented fireworks?

a) United States
b) China
c) Some jerk who hates dogs

Answer: c. Man, I hate that guy.

TRUE OR FALSE

first-american-us-flag-1777

Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag.

False. However she did design a red, white and blue pot holder for Thomas Jefferson lovingly hand stitched with the words: “You Ain’t No John Hancock”

"Liberty Bell 1872 - crop" by Digitized by WehwaltNot known. Copyrighted 1872 - File:Liberty Bell 1872.jpgIndependence National Historic Park Library and Archives, Philadelphia PA. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons -
“Liberty Bell 1872 – crop” by Digitized by Wehwalt. Copyrighted 1872 -Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons –

The Liberty Bell was cracked because it was sent on seven trips to various expeditions and celebrations.

False.  The initial crack was due to Peter Brady’s refusal to heed the sage advice “Don’t play ball in the house.” Here’s proof:


After an unfortunate basketball shot missed a waste paper basket and nailed an ugly vase, it ricocheted off Marcia’s nose and smashed the Liberty Bell Mr. Brady had recently bought for a quarter at Sam the Butcher’s yard sale.

Sadly, Peter made the fatal mistake of hastily piecing the Liberty Bell back together using a mixture of  Elmer’s Glue, Hubba Bubba and Cindy’s tears.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady’s punishment was brutal and swift : “We hereby declare there shall be no camping for Peter, and thy brothers and sisters shall cleaneth the window screens forthwith.” Moral of the story: Always blame Alice.

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HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, AMERICA!

_____________________________________________

* According to Fox News — doubtful.

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Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

34 thoughts on “How Patriotic Are You? Take This Quiz!

  1. And to think I just finished making a bowl of potato salad. I’ll try not to leave it marinating in the sun for too long…You think Carol Brady’s hairdo will ever make a comeback?

    Like

    1. The kids and I lit a few sparklers last night. But sadly, it still wasn’t patriotic enough. Maybe tonight I’ll light a brick of firecrackers and throw it at the TV when I see they’re showing Will Smith in Independence Day for the 100th time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on She's a Maineiac and commented:

    Happy Fourth of July, America! Ever wonder what Betsy Ross really thought of Thomas Jefferson? Or why Nicolas Cage is a “so bad he’s good” actor? Or why, in the immortal words of Bobby Brady, we should never “play ball in the house”? Then come on over to The Nudge Wink Report posthaste to find out.

    Like

  3. Has anyone reduced the name of the largest signatory to a joke about masturbation yet? Well, allow me. Admittedly, that’s low-hanging fruit but you have to consider what dark corner it’s coming from.

    We give our dog doggie Prozac on the 4th. Not kidding. Problem solved.

    Cage’s son is named Kal-El after a character from the Superman comics. Again, not kidding. So I think he probably needs help in the parenting department as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dang! I knew those Bradys were somehow responsible for all of our American freedoms. And didn’t the kids wrap bandages around their heads, take up their fifes and drums and parade through town? Thereby announcing an end to the tyranny of taxation without representation AND winning the school talent show and a silver platter?
    I’m getting choked up just thinking about it. Thanks for adding a ton of chuckles to this special day, Darlankee Doodle Dandy.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for this informative post Darla. Obviously here in the UK we don’t have the 4th July, we just go right from the 3rd to the 5th, and then have the 5th again till the rest of the world catches up with us. It saves us having to think about anything unpleasant from history.

    The pot though! What did they do about the broken pot? Did they use some of Aunt Irene’s potato salad to fix it? And why didn’t they listen to mother!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I just had to watch that “Brady Bunch” snip it. Ha. This was fun, Darla! Hope you had a Happy 4th! Hot dogs that taste like Coors and grass clippings and I guess we wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m definitely testing fate with my willingness to eat all manner of dairy-based products after countless hours in the godforsaken Jersey summer humidity. What’s a good piece of processed cheese without a little sweat and crusted corners, after all?!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Something started disagreeing with my body after breakfast on the 4th of July. Hmm, I did have hotdogs and potato salad the night before, oh, and a few beers watching the fireworks. It was not a pleasant morning.

    Started feeling better until one hour before the fireworks were set to go off. Had to lie down, freezing, with multiple blankets on a warm July night, miserable, and didn’t move for 3 hours.

    I missed the 4th of July fireworks! Anyone who knows me knows I am a fireworks freak. So bummed. Was it the dogs and salad? I’ll never know.

    Liked by 1 person

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