An apparently famous person, Ariana Grande, set off a minor firestorm last week when her tongue came in contact with a tray of donuts. Said donuts were on the counter of a donut shop at the time. Her tongue had a busy day indeed as it followed this up by leading the rest of her mouth in saying a rather filthy curse word, then “I hate Americans. I hate America.” Her tongue finished up its Tacky Tour by tangling with her boyfriend’s.

What at first glance appeared to be an unbelievable lapse in good manners made by someone who thinks she is above the rules that govern the rest of society, was actually a protest statement. Adriana was motivated solely by concern for America’s children. When she said “I hate America” what she really meant was “I hate (that so many children have had their health negatively impacted by the scourge of obesity which plagues this great land that I love so much,) America.” She merely left out a few words because she was stunned to be confronted by several trays of freshly-made donuts while innocently minding her own business in a donut shop. Who wouldn’t be shocked and appalled to learn this type of establishment is notorious for shamelessly SELLING the Devil’s Fry-cakes?!

Ariella, who, it turns out, is a pop singer with quite a large and loyal following among young people, explained her motivation to her fans in Facebook posts, Tweets, Insta-snap-a-roos and other social media communiques. In the end, she did have the grace to apologize for her lapse in judgement.

Reaction among those asked about the incident was mixed and seemed to be divided based on age.

Teens and tweens said, “We still love you! Anybody could make such a mistake!!!! LOL OMG!!!!!!” This response prompted some, as concerned as Adrienne about the welfare of America’s children, to ask what they are teaching kids in our school nowadays. Apparently they don’t know that a “mistake” is usually defined as something that is NOT done on purpose.

Those over 40 responded with, “Arabella who? Who the hell is that?”

The shop owners are still trying to decide what to do with the Display of Drooled-on Delights. Some options being considered are:

  • follow Health Department guidelines and toss the donuts because, you know, spit
  • sell them on Ebay to sicko fans who would be thrilled to own Arizona’s spit
  • expand the shop’s offerings to include a new line of pastries that have been pre-licked by celebrities. Selections will include:
    • Donuts licked by A-list stars for $5 each called, The Sweet Spit of Success
    • Donuts licked by reality show participants and celebrity has-beens for only $2 each called, Day Old Spit

It should be noted that the donut shop employees did not know about the alleged tongue lashing until they played back the security tape after Areola had left the shop. That means that some of the doubly-glazed donuts in question were sold to and eaten by unsuspecting customers.

Did you purchase a donut from this shop on the day in question? Have you since been plagued by the lingering aftertaste of something spoiled? If so, you may be entitled to compensation. The crack legal team at Dewey, Cheatum and Howe is gathering evidence for a class action lawsuit against the Pampered Pop Princess.

I think I have a case. Even though I was nowhere near that donut shop, this incident with Andalasia still left a bad taste in my mouth.