Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Well Well Well


So, after banking on a sure-fire win, the Tories are left reeling from a Labour revolt that’s stunned the nation and sent a very clear message to the people in power – don’t ignore us. The Tories lost 12 seats, whilst Labour gained 29 – a clear swing toward the opposition. In fact, it left us with a hung Parliament for a short while (I’m not explaining what that means), until Theresa May, who stubbornly refused to resign despite a spectacular own goal, set up a minority government with the bastion of the far-right, the DUP.

Even with the support of a party that is outspoken on its opposition to LGBT rights, opposed to a women’s freedom to decide what happens to her own body, and filled with climate change deniers, the Tories still only have a majority of two seats, which means it’s a minority government now, one very much dependent on the good will of smaller parties voting for its policies in Parliament. So, far from securing the majority that would have let them pursue a hard Brexit, the Tories are now in bed with a party that opposes hard brexit, and actually has a number of disagreements (based on manifesto pledges) with the Tories. Well done…

So whilst it can be claimed that the Tories won the election, it can also be claimed that they didn’t win. They fell short of what they needed to win outright. They are depending upon another party to enter power with them, a party that is quite radical in its beliefs. Even then, they only have a minority government of two seats. Woo! To say this is a gamble that backfired is the understatement of the century. The Tories are more battered than the guy who ran as Mr Fishfinger (yes, seriously).


On the lighter side, Theresa May herself did defeat Lord Buckethead in her own constituency. She kicked the Buckethead…

So what does this all mean? Frankly, I have no idea. We don’t have a fish finger or a man dressed as a bucket for Prime Minister. It’s a huge vindication for Jeremy Corbyn, who may not have won, but he has certainly given Labour something to shout about. He even dabbed… well, he might have. In any event, he survived a determined campaign by the press to smear him, and even opposition from his own party, to show he can most certainly lead, and get results.

This is also one big rejection of the recent wave of populism that’s been going on. France rejected such notions, and now the UK has pushed back against it too. Younger generations are getting more involved, and asking serious questions of their leaders. They look at the Tories as a party of the past, more interested in austerity and helping their own than helping the country. Is that a fair perception? I can’t say. However, both the Tories and Labour need to look at why younger people have predominately voted Labour. To understand the reasons is to control the destiny of the next election.

I’m sorry that this post is so serious, but it’s a serious subject. A serious subject the Tories didn’t take seriously, and it’s hurt them.

 

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Is it our Turn?

I’m feeling somewhat subdued as I write this, and I know the reason why. No, it isn’t the various and on-going political nightmare that is Brexit, or the equally frightening nightmare that is Trump, it’s something that we Brits manage to moan about each and every passing day – the weather. It is, currently, shocking.

You see, we are now in May. We are well and truly into spring. The weather is supposed to be taking a turn for the better, so why is it getting bloody worse?! Isn’t it our turn for good weather, for warmer weather, for sunshine? I have pictures of my little girl sitting in the garden at this time of year, enjoying the glorious outdoors. There’s no chance of that right now, and it’s getting right up my nose.

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Eh, this post is boring. Everyone knows Brits moan about the weather. I live in a desert. Try that for once.

I suppose he’s right. I could have it worse. A lot worse. But I’m pissed off that I still need my coat to go to work, even now! And it gets even more stupid from there! You see, I need my coat, but by the time I get to work, I’m sweating! What the @!”% is that all about? (wait, can’t you swear here?). How can it be both too cold and yet hot at the same bloody time?!

No, I don’t live in a desert, or the Artic, or anywhere that experiences hurricanes or tornados. So I have a lot to be thankful for, weather-wise. But us Brits have a deep yearning to lose our pasty-white skin and for once, look tanned and healthy. I’d show you pictures of my chest*…

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Oh dear God no!

… but who wants to see a milk bottle?

It’s even about enjoying the simple things. It’s nice to be able to sit down in the garden, and read my book. It’s quite quaint to take dinner in the, erm, outdoors (in the outdoors? Is that right?). Imagine being able to look at the stars on a warm summer’s night, cold beer in hand… it’s the stuff dreams are made of! A cold beer on a cold night just isn’t the same…

I don’t know if there’s a God. If there is, then I pray for summer. Or at least spring. We can’t go on with this weird, miserable, never-ending winter we seem to have. This isn’t the North, I am not a Stark, and Winter isn’t Coming – it should have been and gone!

*for anyone who was sincerely traumatised by this suggestion, I have set up a helpline to help you deal with your situation. It may be too late to prevent nations from crumbling, but if you call 0800 -B-L-E-A-C-H-M-Y-E-Y-E-S you can address this trauma!

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

April Fools!

So somehow, the April 1st post falls to me. This means I’m under even greater pressure to produce something observant and witty. Thankfully, our glorious leaders are providing us with all the material I need to turn this into a Pulitzer Prize-winning article.

Let’s start with Britain. I’d love to wake up tomorrow and find out Brexit was one big trick – a game, albeit a cruel one, that turns out not to be true. Failing that, I’d love to think we have leaders and negotiators that can do a half-decent job. Unfortunately, we have these:

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That’s the logo of the Conservative Party. I don’t have a lot of confidence in them. We have trusting our future to a party that have gladly quadrupled their champagne intake – boozy people are fun to watch from afar, but do we want them steering the ship?! They’ve been so drunk they forgot to declare certain expenses during the last election – oops. Perhaps this also explains their flip-flopping – who knows? Alcohol does strange things to the mind!

Yet somehow, it’s the Tories who will be representing all of us (even Scotland, who don’t want anything to do with this) when the talks start in earnest. Why am I not convinced they will put the best interests of the people first?

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That’s the exact face I made when Brexit won the vote. Now it’s the face I make whenever I read about Brexit. Or hear the word Brexit. Or think it.

Guys, this man wanted us to vote Brexit (there’s that face again). If that wasn’t a good reason not to, I don’t know what is. Here’s an exclusive photo of him in his lair, celebrating:

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Here’s another man who thought Brexit would be a swell idea – assuming he has any understanding of what it means:

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Speaking of Donald, he was America’s Trump card last year – just when Brexit (that face) seemed to be the lowest ebb politically, he raised his orange head and told everyone ‘hold my beer’. Unsurprisingly, he’s crashed hard in the approval ratings since becoming President – as it stands, only 38% of those polled think he’s doing a good job – where were the 57% who disapproved of him when the election was on?! Were you all sleeping?! Grabbing a quick latte?! I mean come on – now you’ve saddled yourself with Putin’s favourite horse.

Why can’t this be one big (unfunny) joke? The entire world would love to wake up tomorrow and find out Obama was back. ‘April Fools’ says Trump, announcing his presidency was one big prank, and he’s stepping down. What a sigh of relief for the entire globe (well, unless you’re Trevor Noah, who would lose a metric ton of material to work with if that happened).

All this talk of a drive toward populism is now being met with reality – and all of a sudden, no one wants populism anymore. If the Brexit (that face) vote happened now, we wouldn’t vote leave – not surprising given little details like misdirection on EU costsNHS spending, the economy and so on. Like it or not, we’re committed. The UK is committed to Brexit (that face), the US is committed to an orange wearing a wig.  What’s gonna be worse, Trump or Brexit (that face)?

The upshot for America is, Trump isn’t likely to last four years – I mean, how can he when his plans keep failing miserably? The guy has the temperament of a toddler and the ego of Emperor Palpatine. He’ll end up impeaching himself.

 

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Now for my Scheduled Post…

Last week I posted when I thought it was my turn to post, and it turns out it wasn’t. I poured my creative juices into my rant, and now I’m squeezing the lemons of creativity and getting only bitterness.

So, what to say? There’s one gigantic orange elephant in the room, or to be precise, an orange elephant that will soon take up residence in the White House, and I’ve deliberately avoided posting about this on my main site or elsewhere, up to this point, in order to digest this news. Three days on, I still have indigestion. I was sorely tempted to simply post this:

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I think Timon’s various looks of worry and fear accurately sum up the mood of the world. A man with a proven track record for bankrupting businesses is now going to hold sway over the global economy. I hoped everyone likes tinned peaches. A man who gets the thumbs up from quasi-dictator Vladimir Putin (if that doesn’t scare you nothing will) will be responsible for making policy.

Trump isn’t even the worst thing about this. The Republican party, a party so divided it’s mathematically impossible to explain, has held the Senate and Congress. They now control all three branches of the US government system, and yet half the party despises Trump. What does that spell for Trump’s presidency, and by extension, how will it impact those of us who live elsewhere? Maybe, just maybe, the utter failure of Trump to work with his party will break the GOP to the point where the US electorate realises they made a collectively huge mistake and the Dems crush them next time around.

Though part of me actually wants Trump to succeed. A tanking US economy will inevitably tank the UK economy too (assuming the Tories don’t manage that first). If Trump follows through with his stated goal of cutting back support for NATO, where will the buffer come from to prevent future Russian aggression in countries like Ukraine? I’ve heard the ludicrous suggestion that Hillary wanted war with Russia – erm, hands up if you truly believe that? The men in white coats are waiting outside.

I’m struggling to make this post light-hearted and funny. It’s proving to be an epic challenge. How can I be funny when Trump’s intended VP, Pence, believes he can ‘cure’ people of homosexuality? Or that smoking isn’t bad for you?

Within days of Trump’s victory, there’s been a surge in racist and sexist tweets and comments from his supporters, who are taking this as the freedom to be as openly vile as possible. I know I know – it isn’t fair to tarnish them all like that – but it’s not a promising sign.

Le sigh.

 

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

The Trump Card

I know, I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t do serious. I said that last time – see?

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But how can I ignore the encroaching and onrushing US election, now only days away, that promises to refine the world? Orange is getting closer to Hilary in the polls – FBI, if you’re reading this (and by using the word FBI, I assume you’ll track this post), what the fuck were you thinking?!

This is serious. This is like, the most serious of all serious things that could be happening right now. The future not only of ‘Murica but the entire world hinges on the decision of the US electorate, and meanwhile, you’re stirring up emails again, and they’re not even relevant! Does the word ‘timing’ compute in Quantico? I watch Criminal Minds – when Hotchner isn’t kicking his colleagues he’s got a smart head on his shoulders – assign your agents to the task of stopping serial killers, rather than poking around emails. Continue reading “The Trump Card”

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Repeal the 19th? Yeah, Nah

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t tend to put my more serious and thoughtful posts here, on the Nudge Wink Report – and don’t worry, that isn’t about to change!

Except, it kind of will, with this post. I’ll be combining humour with politk. Well, I’ll be trying to.

Twitter has recently had a trending hashtag. #Repealthe19th. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the amendment to the US Constitution that granted women the right to vote. Why is a hashtag about removing this right trending? Because someone did a poll somewhere that showed if women are allowed to vote, Hilary Clinton would become President. If women aren’t allowed to vote, Lucifer Trump becomes President.

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Yeah… nah.

Come on guys! Are we still at a point where we think more with our little brain than our big brain? (did I just admit mine was little?)

We aren’t voting along gender lines, surely? Well, as an Englishman, I’m not voting at all, but you know what I mean.

Yes, Hilary is a woman. No, she isn’t weaker than a man. She isn’t less intelligent than a man. She may well not be perfect – but news flash – nor is Trump!!! Guess what – one of  them has years of experience in politics – the other has presided (ha!) over several failed businesses. Who cares what’s between their legs? Is that actually relevant???

And breathe. This ‘kat is getting angry.

But lets face it. This hashtag isn’t trending because of anything other than misogyny. Yup, I went there. It’s because there are plenty of men out there who hate the idea of women being treated as equals, and the idea that a woman might be in the White House in a few months’ time makes them do this:

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BlogDramedy, I hope I haven’t stolen your thunder for Saturday, but this had to come out. Like when you’re desperate to pee, it had to happen. I was actually doing the toilet dance whilst writing this.

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

Customer Wars Episode II: The Bulldog

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We all know the human equivalent of a Jack Russell (read, small yappy dog with a Naepoleon Complex). They’re aggressive beyond their standing, making demands and picking fights to prove their worthiness in the eyes of… well I’m not too sure who they’re trying to impress. Other people.

Confession time, I made a bit of a mistake here. I meant to phone someone and I didn’t, so the swift replacement of some damaged unit legs wasn’t arranged. Ho hum. My bad. However, said damaged legs were collected from the store some 7-10 days before they were fitted, but within that time they weren’t checked!

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I mean, come on. I get what you’re saying about the quality control at the factory (because it’s perfectly reasonable to expect 100% quality control across thousands of goods), and sure, we could have checked it in the store – but then again, so could you! So no, we won’t be reimbursing you for time lost and other jobs lost because of the hassle over one set of legs you didn’t check whilst in your possession for several days (and breathe). In fact, seeing as you told me you will deliberately not do those jobs just so you can invoice my employer, I don’t think you have any credibility.

I wish I could say this is an isolated incident, but it’s really not. I had another experience at my previous job with the human equivalent of the bulldog. A big, burly man whose vocabulary was limited to a collection of four letter words. Ok, so he had cause to be slightly aggrieved (but neither myself nor my colleagues can bend technology to our will for a customer’s benefit). Does this grant him the right to launch into a sweary tirade? No! In fact, swearing at me is less likely to achieve the desired outcome.

See, here’s the thing. You might think your rant at the salesperson or floor assistant is so epic and so devastating that you’ll get exactly what you want, but if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. By all means, quote the name of whatever Act covers consumer law in your country – it might help if you understood it as well? Just a friendly suggestion. You can be bullish and threaten to cancel orders (oh no guys, our multi-million pound business is going to lose a thousand pounds – we’d better bend over backwards for this guy who is in the wrong – that was sarcastic by the way). In the end, we won’t help you and we’ll actually mock you savagely once you’re out the door (and I mean brutally, as in your moustache is badly clipped).

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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!