Posted in Humor

Yo Wassup G-Spot!

Yes I’m lazy. Here’s an old gem from back when I used to write.

1pointperspective

Good news, I found the G-spot. Turns out we’ve been looking in the wrong place, it’s actually located at the intersection of Route 206 and Monmouth Road just outside of Mt. Holly, New Jersey! For the record, “topless” is not spelled “t-a-p-a-s” – Boy, was that ever an embarrassing discovery!

First, a quick hats off to Carrie Rubin of The Write Transition for bringing this nugget of medical news to my attention.  Apparently, a physician in Poland claims to have located the exact location of the infamous “G-spot” of an 83 year old deceased woman during the dissection of her remains.

OK – now go back and re-read that last sentence over again and explain how any card-carrying wise-ass could fail to find at least 20 good jokes in there.  To Ms. Rubin’s credit, she merely used the G-Spot reference as a teaser to get lots of us readers all…

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Posted in Humor

Interview with the ghost of America past

****))))Special report((((****

To boldly glow where no ghost has glowed before.

“Harry!  Give me one of those low-fat organic berry surprise bars!”  I yelled out, straightening my perfect bright yellow dress accessorized with red beads, a red belt and red shoes.

“Here ya go,” Harry said, careful not to touch my perfectly coiffured nails and salon softened hands with his filthy ones.  I took my usual 2 bites and threw the remainder back to him for disposal.

“You’ll be on air in 3…2…”

Holding the microphone with nails accented in cherry red, I began my investigative report.

“I’m here at the ruins of a family home nestled on the base of a mountain in Virginia.  Reports from the construction crews say that some old lady in a print dress and apron keeps chasing them away from this…this hovel.”

Harry pointed to a construction worker wearing a hard hat, wanting me to interview the filthy creature, but I wasn’t through showing off my outfit to the world.  I detected laughter though my earpiece and heard Harry say, “No, Mr. Rodrigues, she’s not a ghost hunter, she’s an overpaid reporter who’s too stupid to know better, but don’t tell anyone that.”

“I hear you loud and clear, Harry,” I frowned.  Harry mumbled to Rodrigues, and the guy covered in horrid pieces of nature stood across from me.  Good…this view featured my best side.

 “Mr. Rodrigues, tell us about your experience.”

“Some white woman with grey hair comes out of the house and everything goes flying,” he said, as if that sort of thing happened every day.

“What, exactly..goes flying?”  I asked patiently.

“Yesterday we lost a steam roller,” he said, as if 20 ton pieces of equipment catapult into the air every day.  “I had to climb down from that tree.”

“It has to be 100 feet tall,” I scoffed.

“Exactly 112 feet,” he said. 

“We’re walking up to a house overrun with huge pine and oak trees,” I said.  My grubby companion ran toward Harry. “Where are you going?”

“She hasn’t killed anyone yet, but no one wants to be the first to die, either.” 

I walked toward the entrance, waiting for the door to continue creaking open.  “The walls are falling down, there are no windows…how can anyone live in a place like this?”

“You came a calling to my house dressed like a clown to ask me that question?” a woman’s voice giggled.

Harry and Mr. Rodrigues inched toward me.  Then the damned fools stood behind me like I was the one who was expendable!  Somewhere in the depths of my childhood, I remembered a few of the manners mother taught me.

“May we come in?”  I asked.

“If you promise not to try and destroy anything,” she said. 

A rat scampered across a bed of rotting leaves, remnants of thickly made wallpaper stubbornly refused to lose their adherence and I said to Harry, “Looks like nature took care of that for her.”

The wallpaper began to grow like ivy around the walls, then the shiny wood floors, circular rugs, and simply beautiful wood furniture appeared.  She casually sat in a rocking chair on homemade padding sewn together by hand.  I thought about how much I could get for one in pristine condition if I sold it on Ebay.

“There’s a few things in the world you shouldn’t never believe, starting with ‘we’re the government and we’re here to help,’” she said.  “The second one is ‘I’m a reporter, I’m here to tell the truth to the world.”

“You’re one of those people!”

“As in ‘this is Germany and Jews are those people?’”

“You’re the type that think no woman should have an abortion,” I said with great umbrage.

“Not all red-blooded Americans believe you have to bring any baby in the world that’s conceived,” she said.  “Lord knows I’ve seen my share of deaths in war.  I’d call that a very, very, very late-term abortion.”

“That’s a surprise.  What about places that sell late-term abortion body parts to foreign scientists?”

“I’m against it for a different reason.  If some Hotty Toddy Richy Rich wants his genes shored up, he needs to die off.”

“That…that’s so violent!”

“If you haven’t noticed, this is a violent universe,” she said.  “Your ruby red slippers aren’t going to save you from it, Dorothy.”

“My name is Shirley, but that’s beside the point.  Aren’t the devout supposed to go forth and procreate?”  I asked with a wry grin.

“Shirley, anyone with common sense can see that we don’t need 7.5 billion people, nor do we need land developers destroying our forests to build condos for worthless people who couldn’t survive for more than 2 days without electric and water. You can’t shoot food with a TV remote.”

“Then…Let’s move on to guns.”

“A woman with those shoes isn’t going to have the common sense to carry one,” she said.

I looked down, horrified that my right shoe was scuffed!  “They’re Italian leather!  Oh, God!  They might be ruined!”

“Common sense says you wear boots in a forest,” she chuckled.  “What do you think the 2nd amendment is for?  Hunting?   No, it’s because people with no common sense can’t understand why no one with a brain wants a global socialist government.  We’re supposed to shoot the bastards who want to destroy our country and our Constitution.”

“You can start with her,”  Harry said, pointing at me.

“Mr. Rodrigues,  how did you come to this country?”  I asked.

“I walked over the border with my mother when I was 6,” he said

“So you’re an illegal,” she scolded him.

“Undocumented alien,” I told her.

“What do you think would happen if you walked over the border of any other country in the world? You don’t know?  I’ll tell you what! They’re smart enough to kill you for it.”

“Guns, violence, killing. That’s what’s wrong with the world,” I said emphatically.

“Yet you were ready to throw me under the wagon when you thought I was against abortion,” she said. “What about slavery…hell! What about people like you?”

“What?”  I laughed at her.

She pointed to my red plastic vintage necklace.  “I remember those beads.  I bought them on sale at McCrory’s for 50 cents in 1960 as a Christmas gift to my granddaughter. “

 “I doubt that,” I said with a sneer.  “I paid $20 for these.”

“You paid a fortune for cheap plastic only a child would wear?”  Her laugh was almost a cackle.  “We’ve established you are, as my granddaughter would’ve said, clueless. Let’s talk slavery.  Where do you think that dress was made?”

“Indonesia.”

“Slave labor!  You support slavery, but they’re not in your backyard so you don’t care.”

“I do not support slavery!”  I yelled at her.  “I believe in equality as greatly as I believe in saving the environment!”

“You used a limo to come here.  Your crew used a truck and equipment that needs rare elements to function.  You used more gasoline in a day than my entire town used in a month!  But that pales against what the Earth can do to itself. One super volcano explodes and the Earth is a dead zone for a hundred years.  One meteor, one solar flare…”

“I get it, but humans have to be responsible!”

“How much garbage do you throw out each week?”

“My maid does it.”

“Would you say one bag?”

“Probably. I recycle, too.”

“There are 125 million families in the USA.  If each family threw away 1 bag, that’s 125 million garbage bags a week. Where do you think it goes?  Mongolia?  It’s rotting on lands that once held lush forests.”  She stood up, announced, “This interview is over,” and disappeared.

I fell, butt first, onto the old flooring when the furniture and wallpaper crawled away.  I had to brush the rat poop, leaves and dirt off.  “Look what you’ve done!  I’ll have to throw this dress away!”

Her face appeared as a glow, her voice fading into the distance. “Throw yourself away instead.”

My witnesses refused to corroborate my story and my editor ordered a psych evaluation.  My psychiatrist ordered a test for some sort of fungus that causes hallucinations.  He recommended a holistic health clinic he runs as a side business. I feel much better now that I’ve had chelation therapy and an Immunoglobulin infusion made from 1000 plasma donors. It was well worth $75,000.

My injury and resulting mental trauma was sustained on the job, so my boss couldn’t fire me.  I’ve had three people fired for laughing at me though…workplace bullying is against the law.  To mark off the last item on my revenge list, I asked Mr. Rodrigues and Harry to meet me for drinks, my treat.

“Why didn’t you tell my editor what happened?”  I asked them.

“There’s no footage to prove it,“ Harry said.  “That guy from IASS was on the news while you were inside your haunted house.  He said it was a terrorist attack.  They arrested 3 mountain men for it and people like you want the 2nd Amendment repealed.”

“But…a ghost is doing it.”

“Do you know why Rodrigues and I have survived this long?”  Harry asked.  “No? We keep our heads low and our mouths shut when it matters the most.”

“But, you can talk to me.  We’re just having drinks…”

“…while your recorder is running,” Harry said.

They walked out, I turned off my recorder and began to wonder why people like that were allowed to live.

Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

Humor. It got me through the week.

I overdosed on Trump this week.  It was my fault. “Just one more article,” I kept telling myself, fully intending to avert my eyes from the cake-batter mess unfolding across computer screens around the globe.

Thankfully, Trump has yet to lessen the tribe of writers and bloggers who are determined to expose him for what he really is…a man who lies even when it’s in his best interests not to lie. This trait is burrowed deep into his psyche and guides his every act. There is no hope he will change. Because people with serious personality disorders know when they do something that is morally or ethically wrong. The difference between them and us? They just do not care. And will say so to your face.

I had enough this morning so bounced over to The New Yorker and found these two gems. Humor…it does a body (and mind) good. *smile*

Happy Easter!

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Posted in Humor, Special Report, Too Full To Write

Health News Special Report – 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep

Hey there everyone.

If like me whenever you look at the news nowadays at what horrible atrocities have been dreamed up on a daily basis by The Trump Administration, or where we are headed with Brexit negotiations, or when April the giraffe is going to deliver her baby (come on, I can’t take the suspense!) or are simply a creative type and therefore sleep is usually an optional luxury at the expense of writing something down then let it be known that you are not alone, if you too are having trouble sleeping at night.

Thankfully, I have a solution for you all and it is cheap at the price. (Come back, it’s free!)

Check out this guest post written by a friend of mine to help you sleep much better at night. Or double your money back. (Remember, this is free so you get double of nothing but it is good advice all the same).

Fowl Language Comics Health

Health News Special Report – 10 Eazzzy Wayzzz to Fall Azzzleep

Sleep. That monosyllabic, five lettered word that consists of two vowels and three consonants that strikes fear into the creative as it means waste of productivity. But just how much sleep is sufficient for the average individual? For babies, it seems five minutes and thirty-one seconds is enough, but for adults, it is a different story and we should aim to get a decent slumber of around eight hours preferably at night time. However, sleep is an individual thing so it comes down to your needs in the end and no medical journal will tell you this – believe me. If you do find yourself overindulging in sleep especially at work where this is a common occurrence, a career change could be in order and is something the Doctor cannot prescribe you. However, excessive sleep does not mean laziness (but it does if you are a student) and there could be a medical condition at play here so get yourself a Doctor referral to the nearest Premier Inn (or Holiday Inn in the US).

What follows is a look at 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep. There are only ten and let no-one tell you different. Remember how Moses came back with Ten Commandments? It wasn’t Eleven was it?

As I am writing this, I should be asleep, but I chose to educate the nation with my definitive, foolproof plan.

1. Bin your relationship.

Seems obvious doesn’t it, but time and again, people make the mistake of getting into a relationship only to encounter nights of sleepless worry about whether a partner will WhatsApp in the next 30 secs and if they don’t, well clearly they are cheating. It’s the same with the removal of ‘Last Seen.’ Eradicate the need for a relationship and watch how life becomes calmer and chamomile tea becomes your natural beverage of choice and cats naturally enter your domain without you having to capture them for comfort.

2. Kick partner out of the bedroom.

You do enough in your day and the last thing you expect is coital relations after cooking an elaborate three course meal or just dinner in a microwave. That’s why the spare room was invented because you never know its significance until you are in a relationship. Moving your partner out of the bedroom means quality you time. Take it from someone who knows.

PartnerBed

3. Read a book.

Here I recommend that you read a genre you are truly uncomfortable with and one that contains highfalutin text that only the page numbers make sense. Books that have made me fall asleep include the Constitutional Law, 13th Edition (first paragraph), Equity & Trusts (cover) and Being Reem by Joey Essex (foreword).

4. Learn a language.

This is a definite must before bedtime. They key to learning a language is listening to audio so by the time your brain has realised this fact, you’ve nodded off. However, I do realise I haven’t specified the language and that is of course, Mandarin. Standard.

Sixth Love Language

5. Counting sheep.

Without a shadow of doubt, counting sheep has to be the biggest old wives tale out there. Counting cows is a much better option.

6. Turn mobile off.

Thank God, Adele never did this otherwise we would never have her albums. You on the other hand are different, so switch it off because it will only add to the despair that is life.

MobileSleep

7. Exercise.

A rigorous routine before bedtime will ensure that all you will desire is bed. I do mean a full work out though and no running on the spot for one minute. Admittedly, for some people this does have a reverse effect and may accidentally release endorphins, but this is the brainwashing we have to come to expect from a Personal Trainer, so take what they say with a pinch of salt like life.

8. Incense.

I don’t know why it’s called this, because it causes nothing but calm. However, sometimes, it can be quite costly depending on the brand, so if you can’t afford the flight to India to buy good quality incense, light a match and the fumes of the fire will knock you out.

Burning

9. A sedative.

Not celebrated enough in my opinion. The advantage of taking this is sleep is brought on anytime, anywhere. The obvious disadvantage is getting a P45 or pink slip in the mail without realising what caused it. It’s a shame there are no clearer warnings on the packaging.

10. Lavender.

The best piece of advice was given to me by my grandmother who told me that ingestion was completely wrong and to inhale it through my nose. It’s nature’s own Chloroform or Rohypnol, however you want to view it, and you’ll be out for the count before you know it.

© T Nayder, 2016

 

Thanks for reading friends, don’t have nightmares about April, I’m sure that baby will be popping out soon and do sleep well 🙂

Nightmares

Posted in Humor, Meerkat Musings

April Fools!

So somehow, the April 1st post falls to me. This means I’m under even greater pressure to produce something observant and witty. Thankfully, our glorious leaders are providing us with all the material I need to turn this into a Pulitzer Prize-winning article.

Let’s start with Britain. I’d love to wake up tomorrow and find out Brexit was one big trick – a game, albeit a cruel one, that turns out not to be true. Failing that, I’d love to think we have leaders and negotiators that can do a half-decent job. Unfortunately, we have these:

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That’s the logo of the Conservative Party. I don’t have a lot of confidence in them. We have trusting our future to a party that have gladly quadrupled their champagne intake – boozy people are fun to watch from afar, but do we want them steering the ship?! They’ve been so drunk they forgot to declare certain expenses during the last election – oops. Perhaps this also explains their flip-flopping – who knows? Alcohol does strange things to the mind!

Yet somehow, it’s the Tories who will be representing all of us (even Scotland, who don’t want anything to do with this) when the talks start in earnest. Why am I not convinced they will put the best interests of the people first?

timondubious

 

That’s the exact face I made when Brexit won the vote. Now it’s the face I make whenever I read about Brexit. Or hear the word Brexit. Or think it.

Guys, this man wanted us to vote Brexit (there’s that face again). If that wasn’t a good reason not to, I don’t know what is. Here’s an exclusive photo of him in his lair, celebrating:

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Here’s another man who thought Brexit would be a swell idea – assuming he has any understanding of what it means:

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Speaking of Donald, he was America’s Trump card last year – just when Brexit (that face) seemed to be the lowest ebb politically, he raised his orange head and told everyone ‘hold my beer’. Unsurprisingly, he’s crashed hard in the approval ratings since becoming President – as it stands, only 38% of those polled think he’s doing a good job – where were the 57% who disapproved of him when the election was on?! Were you all sleeping?! Grabbing a quick latte?! I mean come on – now you’ve saddled yourself with Putin’s favourite horse.

Why can’t this be one big (unfunny) joke? The entire world would love to wake up tomorrow and find out Obama was back. ‘April Fools’ says Trump, announcing his presidency was one big prank, and he’s stepping down. What a sigh of relief for the entire globe (well, unless you’re Trevor Noah, who would lose a metric ton of material to work with if that happened).

All this talk of a drive toward populism is now being met with reality – and all of a sudden, no one wants populism anymore. If the Brexit (that face) vote happened now, we wouldn’t vote leave – not surprising given little details like misdirection on EU costsNHS spending, the economy and so on. Like it or not, we’re committed. The UK is committed to Brexit (that face), the US is committed to an orange wearing a wig.  What’s gonna be worse, Trump or Brexit (that face)?

The upshot for America is, Trump isn’t likely to last four years – I mean, how can he when his plans keep failing miserably? The guy has the temperament of a toddler and the ego of Emperor Palpatine. He’ll end up impeaching himself.

 

Posted in Floridaborne, Humor

Piled higher and deeper and in quadruplicate

Aaaarrrrguh!

It’s Wednesday?  Already?

 

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***????SPECIAL REPORT????***

If this report were any more special you could buy it at McD’s.

And I’m not clowning around!

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mcdonalds.wikia.com

 

 

Today’s  addition to the Nudge Wink reports is about working for government

Any government.

 I don’t care if it’s the USA, Canada, Russia, or Lower Sloboviya, there’s paperwork.

 

hand.jpg                                                 …and I need this filing done in an hour!

My cat and every government in the world have one thing in common:  The same mantra

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After a month back on my job, it felt like this:

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Just when I thought that paperwork and I had come to an understanding…

 

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Supershirtguy.com

 

…I was presented with the horrible truth:

 

 

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123rf.com

 

 

The people at the non-profit organization are fantastic!

It started out simple enough.  Once upon a time there were groups of parents all over the USA who wanted to give their forgotten children something to do during the day.  They relied on volunteers, bake sales and donations to run their local non-profit organizations. 

Then the state of Florida said, “We will give you money.”

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It wasn’t much, and often didn’t come in at a reliable time.  But a group of advocates worked very, very hard to get more money and have it doled out each month, not whenever a social worker got around to doing it.

So then the state of Florida said, “We will partner with the federal government and both of us will give you money.”

People from other states heard about Florida’s windfall.  They didn’t try to get this program in their state.  Noooo.  They flocked into Florida like a cloud of vultures to benefit from the money that was supposed to be used for Floridians. 

What was meant to help 5000 people IED’d into an explosion of need that threatened to kill the program and everyone associated with it.

Instead of the state saying, “You have to live here 10 years before you’re eligible for this program,” they said…

“Let there be forms,”

And there were forms.

Then they said, “Let there be rules and regulations.”

And there were enough rules and regulations to kill off the dinosaurs.

And behold, the plan to plan to do the plan was created.

I was hired to write over 200 of these a year, get them completed before the deadlines, and send them out in quadruplicate.

Oh, but it gets bitter better.

  1. LEVEL 1:  The government generates a program and puts paperwork into rule.  It means they make laws instead of congress, which is unconstitutional.
  2. LEVEL 2:  The government subcontracts with one giant agency to monitor the entire program.  The state monitors the monitors.
  3. LEVEL 3: For the next level under that, the government hires other subcontractors to oversee ALL the subcontractors who provide direct care services to the people who are receiving services.
  4. LEVEL toilet bowl (4):   Level 3 sends Level 4 the paperwork out of which 100+ different types of forms are generated.  
  5. Why 100+ different forms?  Because the F@#&*%$ government can’t get their act together and make the 10+ agencies — whose laws we have to follow– CONSOLIDATE THEIR PAPERWORK!

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Level 1, the state & feds

Level 2, monitors

Level 3 sub monitors

 

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<—I am here….level 4

 

 

I wish it were as simplistic, but this system puts the pyramid scheme to shame.

In the scheme of things it’s a lot more like this.

 

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ladotbikeblog.wordpress.com

 

I’m somewhere near the vanishing point…I think.

Subcontractors at level 3 who haven’t done their job right will walk into my office at times, and I’m supposed to do this:

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They have learned to avoid me because my face will become indelibly paired with this:

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I know I shouldn’t be catty, but…some days I just can’t help being sar-cat-stick.

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Did I mention how hard it is to get 100 overworked, underpaid, and rarely appreciated people to get paperwork into the office at the right time…and how greatly it resembles trying to herd 100 terrified cats? 

It helps to be a professional nag armed with a healthy dose of OCD.  

The non-profit recently had an audit.  I just found out that my insistence on doing paperwork that my former boss said was unnecessary saved 2-months of payback.

I’ll be smiling about that for days.

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If you ever experience temporary insanity and think you can trust ANY government, always remember this truth:

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Really.