Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We are now in violation of treaty

Demonstration of portion control. I do love a moist sponge, laws yes.

(The goal for today’s post is a simple one: At all costs avoid any mention of He Who Must Not Be Named. If I screw that up, my wife kicks me in the marzipan. Again. –Ed.)

Truth, Justice, and the American way. Simple, lofty ideals that sound good but are easier said than done.

We’ll take a look at a typical American family and see how they incorporate these values into their modest daily lives. Something tells me it will be a real treat.

In the Taker household, dessert time is a special time. It’s a sacred time.

Not long after the evening meal, the refrain goes out: “Treat! Treat! Treat! What, pray tell, in this house, mayhap suffice as a treat? Anon! Anon!”

I call it routine. My wife describes it in slightly different terms. “We’re in a rut deep enough to hang posters.” (Shout out to The Kids in the Hall.)

Whatever. You say potato. I say, “Put sugar on it.”

Sometimes we don’t have anything for treat. (Shudder.) That’s when we engage Emergency Treat Protocols. For example, is there a bag a chocolate chips in the house?!

In theory, treat is simple. A portion for you and a portion for me. What could be simpler? Ah, but the devil is in the details!

Early in our relationship, when we were younger, was a simpler time. One person would get the get the treat and serve it up. Simple.

But then came The Incidents. This was an unfortunate series of events where one person tried to deceive the other about portion size, obviously in an attempt to keep the lion’s share for themselves.

This did not go over well.

Since then, we’ve developed the The Procedure. It consists of two basic tenets: One person handles The Portioning, the other makes The Selection.

In this way, the evening treat became a time of fairness. Again. The person handling the portions is highly motivated to make them as equal as possible.

Ah, but the choosing! This is a moment of great pomp and circumstance. The looking. The sizing up. Checking of the heft. Sometimes poking and prodding is involved.

There’s also a certain element of the meta game. Do I showcase the biggest piece and hope that reverse psychology kicks in and the opposite is picked? This can go many levels deep.

On a side note, did you know that bags of M&M candies always contain an odd number of pieces? I know, because when it’s my turn to portion, I count them into bowls.

Dammit! One bowl has one piece more than the other. At times like this, all you can do is pray to your god while the choosing takes place.

The other night I cut birthday cake. I even took measurements. But despite my best efforts, one piece was larger than the other. She sniffed this right out. Dammit. Shorted again!

Overall, however, The Procedure may have saved our relationship. (It’s still too early to know for sure.) If you have issues with your desserts, perhaps it can help your marital status, too.

If not, let them eat a portion of cake!



The Guru of Negativity

8 thoughts on “We are now in violation of treaty

  1. Now that I’m single again I’m discovering the joys of one portion servings. Translation: I get the whole pie. If I ever decide to entangle myself with another guy, if he shows up with a measuring tape, I’m bringing out the hammer. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Hannah's Happenings! and commented:
    This post relates to my eating roots SO well! I must have something sweet after eating my dinner – I think in order to make me finish certain parts of my meals, my mother would bribe me with getting dessert afterwards. BUT NOW, I am cursed into needing at least a piece of candy after I finish my food ha.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mom trained me well on the basic lessons of life: Always clean your plate. Put so much sugar in the Cheerios that when you are done there’s a goopy syrup that remains behind. Must have treat every night.

      What could possibly go wrong? 🙂

      Thanks for the reblog!

      Liked by 1 person

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