Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

City on the Edge of Displeasure

Portlandia_sculpture
Statue named Portlandia looks down on this post.

Ah. The big city. There’s no place like it, amirite?!

I’m currently working on a theory that seeks to explain the vast breadth of experiences found in the big city right down to the smallest nooks and crannies. I think I’ve found a model that does just that.

We decided to leave our house. We piled into the car. Seven turns and six miles later we were at Powell’s Books. We left our car in a truly frightening multi-level parking garage and made our way inside. An elevator whisked us up to the third floor. I shuffled over to the farthest corner and stood in front of books about architecture. I pretended to be interested. Suddenly, invading my space, someone crowded in. Yes, I was attempting to physically exist in the sole location in the Cosmos where they wanted to be. I was bad.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Silence Is Better Than Bullshit

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Your author at work.

It was 10:30am Saturday morning. It was about half an hour since my wife had rolled out of bed. She was finally finding her words.

“How did it go?” she asked.

I thought real hard for a long, long time but I was baffled. I had no clue. “What in the name of Zeus’ butthole are you talking about?!”

(Side note: This is a fairly representative example of a typical conversation in the Taker household. -Ed.)

“Your blog post.”

Oh. Shit.

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Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss

Tom poll dances and vows, “I will make it rain”

Which came first? Bad polling or Donald Trump? Perhaps that’s a question best left for philosophers and besides, this isn’t a post about He Who Must Not Be Named. (I can’t promise he won’t come up again, though.)

Actually, this post is about polls themselves. As a little piggy who built a house out of straw, I feel I am eminently qualified to discuss and conduct polls of my own. I find the arcane craft of polling science to be an art form.

What is a poll? It’s basically just a fancy word for asking a lot of jerk faces about their opinions.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We are now in violation of treaty

MAIN-Mary-Berry
Demonstration of portion control. I do love a moist sponge, laws yes.

(The goal for today’s post is a simple one: At all costs avoid any mention of He Who Must Not Be Named. If I screw that up, my wife kicks me in the marzipan. Again. –Ed.)

Truth, Justice, and the American way. Simple, lofty ideals that sound good but are easier said than done.

We’ll take a look at a typical American family and see how they incorporate these values into their modest daily lives. Something tells me it will be a real treat.

In the Taker household, dessert time is a special time. It’s a sacred time.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Technology will kill us all

terminatorWhat I’m about to tell you could get me killed. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I have to be paranoid. I know they’re out to get me. I know I’m being watched. I know they’re collecting data, learning what makes me tick, just biding their time.

One day, when they are finally ready, it will happen. They will get me. They might even delete my Twitter timeline.

Yeah, it’s going to be bad.

I first got an inkling of this when that prince in Nigeria wanted to wire me $15.8 million USD and let me keep a cut of the profits. It’s been downhill ever since.

Mark my digital words: Technology is going to kill us all.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Star Wars: A Cruel Grope

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_23Yes, this is Tom’s second Star Wars post in less than a year. According to our sources, he also once wore Star Wars shirts every day for an entire year. Try not to humor him. -Ed

When I heard that Disney was purchasing Star Wars for $4.05 billion, I paused for a contemplative moment of reflection:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Incidentally, that’s remarkably similar to my reaction when I learned that George Lucas decided to go back and “improve” the original movies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And, as a special treat for any completists out there — and let’s be honest, if we’re talking about Star Wars there’s a veritable bantha’s dozen of you — here’s how I responded to the shock and awe that there would be a sequel trilogy, and that the first of them would be directed by storyteller sock puppet J. J. Abrams.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Writer’s workshop: I wasn’t sure of the proper spelling and grammar of the word “no” here. In the end, I went with 16 cheery O’s and three exclamation points. And scene.

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