Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss

Tom poll dances and vows, “I will make it rain”

Which came first? Bad polling or Donald Trump? Perhaps that’s a question best left for philosophers and besides, this isn’t a post about He Who Must Not Be Named. (I can’t promise he won’t come up again, though.)

Actually, this post is about polls themselves. As a little piggy who built a house out of straw, I feel I am eminently qualified to discuss and conduct polls of my own. I find the arcane craft of polling science to be an art form.

What is a poll? It’s basically just a fancy word for asking a lot of jerk faces about their opinions.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We are now in violation of treaty

MAIN-Mary-Berry
Demonstration of portion control. I do love a moist sponge, laws yes.

(The goal for today’s post is a simple one: At all costs avoid any mention of He Who Must Not Be Named. If I screw that up, my wife kicks me in the marzipan. Again. –Ed.)

Truth, Justice, and the American way. Simple, lofty ideals that sound good but are easier said than done.

We’ll take a look at a typical American family and see how they incorporate these values into their modest daily lives. Something tells me it will be a real treat.

In the Taker household, dessert time is a special time. It’s a sacred time.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Technology will kill us all

terminatorWhat I’m about to tell you could get me killed. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I have to be paranoid. I know they’re out to get me. I know I’m being watched. I know they’re collecting data, learning what makes me tick, just biding their time.

One day, when they are finally ready, it will happen. They will get me. They might even delete my Twitter timeline.

Yeah, it’s going to be bad.

I first got an inkling of this when that prince in Nigeria wanted to wire me $15.8 million USD and let me keep a cut of the profits. It’s been downhill ever since.

Mark my digital words: Technology is going to kill us all.

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Star Wars: A Cruel Grope

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_23Yes, this is Tom’s second Star Wars post in less than a year. According to our sources, he also once wore Star Wars shirts every day for an entire year. Try not to humor him. -Ed

When I heard that Disney was purchasing Star Wars for $4.05 billion, I paused for a contemplative moment of reflection:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Incidentally, that’s remarkably similar to my reaction when I learned that George Lucas decided to go back and “improve” the original movies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And, as a special treat for any completists out there — and let’s be honest, if we’re talking about Star Wars there’s a veritable bantha’s dozen of you — here’s how I responded to the shock and awe that there would be a sequel trilogy, and that the first of them would be directed by storyteller sock puppet J. J. Abrams.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Writer’s workshop: I wasn’t sure of the proper spelling and grammar of the word “no” here. In the end, I went with 16 cheery O’s and three exclamation points. And scene.

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Posted in Humor

Ammonade

tom-bundy
Actual photo of your intrepid reporter impersonating a Bundy.

Momma always said, “when life give you Ammons, make ammonade.” Goes well with the blood of tyrants, I reckon.

I want to like the Bundy clan, I really do, but I find them a little standoffish. Yeah, I said it.

When I saw the Nudge Wink Report schedule and that I had been assigned October 29th, I resigned myself to the wacky Halloween episode shtick. I mean, c’mon! Pumpkin spice pancakes?! Again? Amiright?!

Luckily, though, fates intervened and gave me even scarier fodder. I’m not one to back down, so here goes. I’m birthing a post of pith and wisdom regarding the Bundy Clan. (Wacky birthing episode is my second favorite shtick.)

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Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We Will Never Regret

neverforgetBear with me. What you are about to read is not exactly cohesive. It’s going to flit about. I’m going to hop around. Jump up, jump up, and get down. Face down. On the ground. Buried in a mound. This is a blues riff in ‘B’, watch me for the changes, and try and keep up, okay?

Abyss is filmed before a live studio audience with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven human in a court of law.

Tomorrow, Sunday, September 11, 2016, marks the fifteen year anniversary since planes crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center or, as Wikipedia likes to call it, the “September 11 attacks.”

Now then… I wonder? Hmm. How to commemorate such a date? I’m not sure. I don’t know much but I do know this: It’s gotta be classy. It’s gotta be sensitive. It’s gotta maintain a certain level of decorum. It’s gotta be enlightened. It’s gotta have panache, style, and aplomb.

I know! 💡 There’s only one time-honored quintessentially American way to do this right. With a sale!

By Grabthar’s hammer, what a savings!

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