Dear America,

Hi there, girlfriend! How you doing? It’s been, like, forevs since we’ve had a chance to get dishy with it and go all sharesies with some hard-core alternative facts. *big wink*

Mea culpa, I take full responsibility for not checking in. Been busy reinventing my entire life, in the aftermath of finding out I was involved with a cheater and his Danish married girlfriend (how do you say sad sausage in Danish?)…which made me think of psychopath, which led me to personality disorder, and of course, THAT reminded me about you and the new addition to your life!

Huh, the way our minds work, eh? Swipe left, swipe right…like Tinder only not gross and creepy. Mostly.

It was just last year you were talking about expanding your family to welcome in someone “emotionally-challenged” and it’s been, what? Almost four months now with whatshisname…Dingle, Dongle, Doofus…oh, I remember! Donald! How’s that working for you, sweetie?

I so admire you for spit-balling your personal integrity and just going for it. Oorah, Marine

And remind me again…how old is your Donald? I think you said he was old enough to talk but not old enough to be left alone unless he’s tied to a chair so I’m guessing he’s a three-year-old. And how’s his temper…has he adapted well to his new environment? One where his every wish and command is not instantly gratified? Must have been one hell of a shock the first time he heard you say “no.” Ha-ha-ha! Did he blow up anything yet? Like…oh, I don’t know…your relationship with every other country on the planet. *giggle*

maxresdefaultHey, and thanks for the link to your Instagram. Isn’t he the cutest thing ever? That photo of him counting to ten…at his age…impressive. You must be so proud (now don’t you be concerned about his small hands, they’ll soon grow to match his ego. NO. WORRIES.)

And I see he likes to dress himself. What kid doesn’t? They are just so gosh darn cute…wearing the same thing day after day after day after day, week after week after week. I guess it saves on laundry? But the smell of dirty clothing…you’re a parent now. Better get used to stinky. *big wink*

A mutual friend said that you were thinking, with having a barely-out-of-diapers toddler around, it would be a good idea to child-proof your home. From what I’ve seen, don’t bother. Put him in a onesie and hang lots of cheap shiny crap around the place…things where he can see his own reflection…and save yourself the cash. You’ll need the money to pay for all the prescription drugs I see in his future. You. Are. Welcome. *smile*

Now, I know you have some concerns about his mental condition. Let me reassure you. I did some research on the Mayo Clinic website and your Donald is Grade A, American-made, home-grown, 100 per cent diagnosable with Narcissistic Personality Disorder!


See? He ticks ALL the boxes. Gold star material, for sure! And don’t worry about his lack of vocabulary. *tsk-tsk* He’ll always be a narcissist but I predict bigly that he might one day learn how to spell narcissist correctly. Or at least sound it out phonetically. *finger’s crossed*

I’ve been reading quite a bit lately about how children should have limited access to technology. There’s really no reason for a three-year-old to have any kind of social media account and…

Oh. Wait. I just checked my Twitter account and I think he’s following me. 😉 What a little devil! Have you read any of his tweets? That one about wiretapping his phone was hilarious. *snort*  But if you’re going to spy on him, you need to
learn how to cover your tracks…there’s an app for that. 🙂

But in case you’re not as tech-savvy as your new wee Prince (of Darkness) and don’t know how to limit his time on social media, may I suggest you go old-school, LIKE THIS PIECE OF FIERCENESS. 

Barack Obama No GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Well, gots to bounce, my friend! Wishing you the best of luck with your tiny new sociopath. Your life will never be the same but maybe that’s not a bad thing. What doesn’t kill us makes us drink more vodka. Am I right? *saucy winky*

One suggestion though…if you’re thinking about getting a pet? Go for a dog. I’ve heard what Donald does to a pussy.