Why We Should Be Thankful For Hashtags

Is it me or is life now totally just a hash of tags? There seems to be a hashtag for everything and everyone. And the holidays are no exception. For example, the Thanksgiving weekend:

#BlackFriday, #SmallBusinessSaturday, #CyberMonday

The one that’s missing from this Thanksgiving is Sunday. I gave it the google and nada. But I did find a company called “HashtagifyMe” that allows you to search and find the best hashtags for your audience. So I did that. I typed in “ThanksgivingSunday.”

Because I take direction well; because I have absolutely no idea who our audience is here at The Nudge Wink Report; and, I thought maybe it was time for me to find out what all you people really want to read when you click over to this blog.

Apparently, you all like to read about boobs, abs, and dicks.

I couldn’t get a screenshot of the entire image but I got enough to know…eww.

While I can see the connection between #CumSunday and #MorningBliss, I have no idea what #TeamEndTime is.  Something to do with tight ends in football? Is there a Team Apocalypse that’s flying below the radar? And what’s up with #NoMakeUpTuesday? Is Tuesday night the new night to go out and get totally wrecked but no worries about raccoon eyes from your running mascara Wednesday morning because…#NoMakeUpTuesday is at the top of your hashtag list?

And how do all these hashtag topics relate to Thanksgiving Sunday?

I’m #confused.

But even in the midst of my confusion, I’m grateful. Thankful and grateful that I can google any emotion, any issue, any celebrity, any topic…and know I’ll find a hashtag that explains it all. And that’s all we really need, isn’t it? To have everything explained to us with a # and a word. So simple. So KISS.

How cool would it be if we could hashtag our way though all of life’s ups and downs. No long conversations about your relationship with your significant other. Simply text #notintoyouanymore and you’re off that sharp pointy hook.

If you’re not in the mood, type in #headache and he knows sex is off the menu for tonight. No muss, no fuss. Tired of him not picking up around the house, not putting the dishes in the dishwasher, watching him clip his toenails at the kitchen table? A well-timed #slob gets the point across with no angry looks from you and no long suffering sighs from him.

And how easy would it make your morning routine, if you’ve got kids to shepherd out the door every morning, to set up a schedule of hashtag reminders so you could enjoy a stress-free morning nibbling on croissant and sipping your latte.

Here’s a list of suggestion you can type into the device of your choice the night before:

#getup

#getupNOW

#changethattop

#dishesgoINthedishwasher

#stoptextingandbrushyourteeth

#dontforgetyourlunch

#askyourfather

#Iforgottowashyourgymclothesmybad

#Isawthat

#finalwarning

#ifyouarenooutthedoorinfiveminutestherewillbehelltopay

Easy, peasy, Mac and FOR THE LAST TIME I’M WARNING YOU! Okay. So maybe this is not a total win because you can never count on kids to go with the your particular flow. Kids seldom take the path of least resistance when it comes to listening to anyone outside their peer group. But you get the gist.

For me personally, hashtags have been instrumental in me getting my groove back after my recent marital nightmare of epic proportions. I haven’t talked about it much on Facebook or Twitter. But in my own mind? That Twitter feed that runs endlessly inside my head, which I really wish I could teach myself to write down on paper because OMG some of the best tweets ever keep popping up like demented popcorn inside my grey matter?

Whenever I feel myself getting a bit depressed or sad thinking about the ex, I slap myself and start composing #bitchtweets in my head. Here are a select few I came up with after realizing I was married to crazy flying monkey man:

All those orgasms you thought you gave me? / #thinkWhenHarryMetSally

Do you even know what love is? / #thanksformakingmehavetotakeanAidstest

Why were you so surprised I found out you were a cheating bastard? / #toostupidtofinddelete

You say I was the best sex you ever had? / #hopeyouhaveagoodmemory

Wondering why I haven’t tried to contact you? / #666

And I haven’t even touched on how much more fun work would be if we could hashtag in meetings instead of talking.

“We’re going to spend the next three hours talking about how to empower our employees.” / #canIswitchseatswithyouhesspittingonmeagain

“Let’s go over the power point presentation point-by-point as we all read along.” / #didyouseethat? #pubic #doucheneedsspellcheck #shouldwetellhim? #fuckno #notmyprojectnotmyproblem #willyoutweetthisorshallI?

Now to get back to the hashtags that started this post, #BlackFriday, #SmallBusinessSaturday, #CyberMonday. I am thankful for these hashtags. These hashtags remind me to not get in my car and go anywhere near a mall this Thanksgiving weekend. Instead, I think I’ll #gooutside and take in a deep breath of fresh air that’s free from the stink of commercialism and unfettered commerce.

But before I do I must read a Google Alert about hashtags that just arrived in my inbox…

Apparently, next Tuesday is #GivingTuesday. On this day, instead of giving your money to a retailer, you are being asked to give money to a charity. While I appreciate the sentiment, and the really rather elastic stretch of the imagination of this hashtag to attempt to make a Tuesday part of a weekend, telling us to dedicate a day to giving is like putting baby in a corner.

Giving is not supposed to sit in a corner waiting for attention on just one day of the year. Giving should be embraced everyday. We should put on giving like we put on our underwear (clean, please) because it’s something we don’t often think about but without it, our butts get cold.

That #analogy is a bit #WTF. But I will be putting on my giving panties. However, because I like to be unpredictable, I’m going to participate in #GivingWednesday, hashtag be damned!

Did you get in a little retail therapy this holiday weekend or did you go cold turkey?

*quirks inquiring eyebrow*