Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, Uncategorized

Like An Oven But Hotter

I'm going to be so over this horrible heatwave once it starts.  (Image from startribune dot com)
I’m going to be so over this horrible heatwave once it starts. (Image from startribune dot com)

Many of us have had that dream: We stroll into class without a care in the world, ready to sit through another boring lecture and maybe catch a nap, and we suddenly realize that this is the day with the giant exam.  Everyone is sitting there, fresh from studying, their number 2 pencils sharp and ready to write the mother of all essays.  Everyone except you.

I just strolled into The Nudge Wink Report lecture hall here on the WordPress campus, idly wondering which of my esteemed colleagues would be amusing me today with some clever writing.  Alas, there was no new post, despite it being 8 AM on Saturday morning.  Well, you know these creative types, they might not hit “publish” until  9 or even 10.  No big deal, I’ll check back later.  Just out of curiosity, though, I bopped over to look at the lineup to see whose day this was.

1 Point Perspective?!  Me?!  Already?!!  I see my classmates out of the corner of my eye, glancing up to see the look of pure horror on my face.  They know I’ve screwed up; that I have jack-squat prepared.  My mind is as blank as the blue book I forgot to bring.  The nice thing about dreams is that you usually wake up at about this point.  You can rest easy knowing you haven’t had an exam in decades, and that it was only a dream.  I resisted the urge to try pinching myself – this is clearly no dream.

I started scavenging through crappy drafts to see if anything was worth cultivating or 3/4’s done.  I quickly realized that those drafts were sitting there getting dusty for good reason – to wit; they sucked.  I would have to come up with something new, but my mind was as empty and hollow as Kim and Kanye’s upcoming wedding vows (I tease of course, we all know those two wacky kids are deeply in love, and their union will stay strong long after the mountains have crumbled into the sea, or at least until sweeps week).

I pondered the always popular blog topic of writer’s block, and decided that there’s a difference between trying to write and forgetting to.  The polar vortex was a pretty good topic once, but it’s gone now.  There’s no reason to beat that dead, frozen horse.  Besides, dead horses are often tragic and once thawed, they stink to high heaven.  Finding humor in dead horses is too much of a challenge on such short notice. Seasonal allergies are prevalent.  Those little spores are already driving people mad and I’m certain that just about everyone has already written a great post about how much it sucks to have itchy eyes and a faucet for a nose.  Jumping on the snot-pollen bandwagon this late in the game would make me look like more of a plagiarist than usual.

I need to get ahead of the curve for once in my miserable blog life, and so, on the lovely spring morning of May 24th, I’ve decided to write about how oppressive and awful the summer weather is.  Granted, most of my readers and I will not be dealing with high temperatures and smothering humidity for another month or two.  That being said, once the blast furnace of July starts baking us in our shells, a few of you will recall who whined about it first.

How about this weather, huh?  Hot enough for you?  It’s so incredibly hot and muggy that my swamp-ass has swamp-ass.  I’ve decided that until fall comes, I’m only going to wear sweat-colored clothes.  Speaking of fashion, why doesn’t some clever designer make prints which celebrate the prominent scallops of perspiration-darkened material under my arms?

With blistering temperatures like these, we can look forward to news clips of people actually frying eggs on the sidewalk.  I’m more of a  non-stick pan devotee myself, though the idea of doing the dishes with a garden hose instead of a sponge does have a certain appeal.  Novel clean up or not, I prefer my eggs without grass clippings and broken glass.

This heat wave talk is sapping my energy like a bad window air conditioner.  This kind of weather is just unbearable.  I’m either going to make friends with someone who owns a pool or consider having a vodka and tonic for breakfast.

You heard it here first folks, this summer weather we’ve been looking forward to for all of those hideous winter months is the latest thing to bitch about.  Feel free to add your two cents, I’m moving on to start ranting about raking leaves and making turkey dinners for the in-laws.

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

34 thoughts on “Like An Oven But Hotter

  1. Reblogged this on 1pointperspective and commented:

    It’s my week again over at The Nudge Wink Report. Already?! I scribbled this mess out before my coffee was done, and my lack of preparation or deep thought really shows! On the bright side, I won’t have to do another one of these gems until several weeks from now. Maybe I should write myself a reminder note or something.

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  2. Firstly I don’t get the exam dream, but I get a dream that I have to appear on stage in a play and either I’ve completely forgotten to learn my lines, or I didn’t realise the show was tonight already, or it’s been so long since my last rehearsal that I can’t remember the lines I had previously learned, but either way, I’m out there, exposed, without a clue what I’m doing! (And when I say exposed, I’m not talking nudity, it’s not THAT kind of play).

    We’ve had a few warm days so far here in the UK this year, but nothing to get excited about. We always know when the first proper hot day has arrived here because one or other of our tabloid newspapers is guaranteed to have a front page picture of a crowded beach full of lobster-red people, with the headline “Phew, what a scorcher!”.

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    1. I always feel like I’m the last one to comment on weather, current events or the news du jour, so this was a bit of a departure. It’s tough to complain about stuff before it happens, but fortunately I can vaguely recall living through a few hot summers, so my whining wasn’t entirely made up.

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  3. I just checked the stats, because I’m insecure like that. The numbers say we’ve had 149 views, but only 3 viewers. Apparently those 3 people are reading my post over and over and over again – thanks Mom, Dad and Uncle Phil! I’ve also noticed 4 likes – someone liked my post without even reading it! – talk about blind loyalty!

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  4. Next thing you’ll be complaining the ice in your vodka & tonic isn’t cold enough.
    Climate change is real. You better booze up while you can.

    For a “post from my ass” post…not too bad. I’d give it a pass. But then I’m known to always grade on a curve. *grin*

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      1. No kidding. Whilst laying in a goodly supply for Cinco de Mayo, I spent as much for a bag of limes as I did the cheap tequila I foisted on my drunken buddies…

        I live in Florida so hot is a relative thing. We have hot, hotter than hot, and freaking damned hot. I’m headed to Michigan and likely will freeze no matter how “hot” it gets. I have actually turned the furnace on in August.

        My variation of the “test” dream? I dream I forgot to make the test I repeatedly told my students will be given today. Thank God for Test Generator.

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        1. Test Generator? Sounds like the product of someone who decided to use their powers for evil instead of good.

          As for the high cost of limes, I’m glad to see no one had the temerity to suggest using a lemon in my vodka and tonic instead. This to me is proof positive that my readers have a certain degree of understanding of alcohol protocol. Bravo readers!

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        2. You sound like my sister who migrated back to Michigan from Florida. My breaking point is 90 degrees, then th AC goes on. She brings out the blankets when it is 80.

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  5. I know the feeling. What? It’s me? Already??? I’d be more empathic but right now I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Not this time. Not on your watch!

    My spidey sense is tingling. By golly, it is getting warmer out. I, for one, never looked forward to this. I like it cold. And dark. And rainy. And wet. Winter is when I thrive. As I am not on the summer bandwagon I reserve the right to frothily bitch my ass off ’til it drops.

    You wrote all these words just this morning? You’re on fire!

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  6. Sorry, hot weather is so last week (literally — it was 100 degrees ten days ago; it’s 61 degrees now).

    I’ve had all kinds of variations of the unprepared-for-an-exam dream. Usually I just can’t find the room where the test is being given. Once I had a dream that I was sitting down to take the bar exam and suddenly realized I’d completely forgotten to go to law school.

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  7. OMG, is this my turn to leave a comment??? I’m so totally unprepared for this. So yeah, the weather we’re having, huh? Seems like only three months ago it was winter, and here we are, already discussing the upcoming summer!

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  8. Yep, wild weather for sure..For many parts of the country it snowed just a month ago! Earlier this month I went from 90s to lower 40s on a trip to Detroit..Imagine in shorts/tanks/flip flops one minute & then needing a coat & neck scarf the next. Everytime I open my mouth to say it is HOT as HECK outside here, I recall that trip. And guess what? This is going to be a summer of record high temps so get ready to leap in someone’s pool! 🙂

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      1. Ahhhh ..You are the winner! Lol..Can I be 2nd in line? 93 here today but feels like 97..Or so it is claimed..Anything over 90 , in my book, should read hot as HELL

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  9. Absolutely awesome weather here in Boise. I mean – AWESOME. We’re finally getting a decent spring before we head into the dry 100s. I hope my lounge chair holds out for another summer.

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  10. it WAS over 85 this weekend and I DID bitch about the heat. It’s supposed to be spring. Those who may have thought they overheard me moaning a couple of months ago that I would never, ever complain about the heat again if only we could be saved from the Polar Vortex, well, y’all have crappy hearing.

    Welcome to the Saharan Vortex.

    By the way, is this is you pulling writing out of your ass, then all I can say is your ass does some excellent work. And let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

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