They both wore white. But if you’ve been reading the news you already know this.
It was all party, party, party around the NWR office this week. Sure, there were a few tears (mostly from Dave) but the rest of the staff gave a huge collective sigh of relief when reports were confirmed.
Kim Kardashian is officially off the market.
And thanks to our swarm of CI’s (Celebrity Informers) who spent hours with their eyes to keyholes and bourbon glasses pressed against bathroom walls, we can now share reactions from guests and party planners, and other “real” guests from the wedding.
*Due to legal requirements, we had to put quotation marks around the word real. Because celebrities. And their plastic surgeons.
After scrolling through thousands of emails and listening to hundreds of taped conversations, we can now share with you some of the choicest bits of blab from the most underreported wedding of the year. But we didn’t stop there. Thanks to modern technology and something called “Bitcoin” our informers got close to some of the most influential and powerful people in the world to get their reaction to the Kimye wedding.
What you’re about to read may shock you. But don’t let that stop you.
When asked where North West was, Bruce Jenner pointed and said, “Up towards Paris.“
President Obama issued a statement: “While Michelle and I are happy for Kim and that rapper guy, we’re disappointed she won’t now be available to take over Jay Carney’s position as press secretary.”
“This is not non-fat.” Painfully thin underage model trying to find something to eat so she wouldn’t faint and miss the tossing of the
“I don’t know why anyone would get married in a country where they don’t speak American.” Rush Limbaugh captured on tape while peeing against the gold-plated porta-potties.
Justin Bieber came away disappointed. “Kim promised me a non-stop buffet of butt selfies. She never said anything about them being all Kanye’s ass. Got any weed?“
Jaden Smith thrilled guests with his impersonation of a white person.
The Pope refused to comment on the nuptials. But later was heard whispering, “I gave them permission to marry in Italy and now they want me to pay for all this? What? They think I have my own personal Vatican bank?”
JayZ best man lookalike Donnie Bolton left shortly after the ceremony. “They wouldn’t cough up the cash to hire my wife, Beyonce lookalike, LaYonce. Which is too bad because maybe more people would have rsvp’d yes.“
“Why do I have to text you? I’m sitting right here.” The one person at the wedding reception not using an iPhone.
Overheard at one of the seventeen open bars: “She had me audition. Just to be the flower arranger. I was up for three nights straight and not allowed to leave until I put together the wedding bouquet in the exact shade of white that matched her dress. She didn’t understand that nothing from nature is that virginal.“
“There’s more film crew than guests at this thing. Do you think Kim’s planning on selling this to Hollywood?” Said one sorry-assed innocent reception guest.
“I came, I sang, I left. I had to. There was no place for me to sit. I don’t think I missed much.” Andrea Bocelli comment after begin escorted from the premises by security.
Miley Cyrus was found by cleanup staff early the next morning. Apparently she dehydrated during the night due to excessive use of tongue. “I’m like a dog, dawg. You know? How they pant? With all the ass kissing and butt licking going on, I guess I overdid it.”
We here at NWR wish Mr. & Mrs. West all the best for a happy marriage and hope the sales of the wedding DVD do well. Because money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you all the pretty little things that make a marriage work. Like separate houses, cars, bodyguards, and a double-digit entourage to help you keep your distance from normal people.
Every married couple should be so lucky.
We leave you now with this instructional video. Just in time for all you summer brides.