The management of NWR is lucky to have hired a blogger like Dave from 1pointperspective. He doesn’t always follow the rules and has a tendency to live life more in his head than in the real world. He never refills the office coffee pot but he always puts the toilet seat down when he’s done. If only he’d remember to use the can of air freshener…but his performance review came up smelling like roses. So there’s that.
1. Have you ever peed outside? If so, where, and why on earth did you do something so disgusting? We artsy types have a hard time passing up a clean, white canvas. Coming off the polar vortex as we are, one can only imagine the groundswell of self-expression a yard full of virgin snow and a full bladder creates. So yes, I’ve peed outdoors, but then I shovel up my handiwork and toss it off the driveway.
2. What’s in your fridge right now that you could use to whip up a meal worthy of Julia Child? (We know she’s dead but work with us on this.). I actually wrote a blog once all about the things in my fridge which I had to toss after Hurricane Sandy knocked out my electricity. It was even more pathetic than my typical blog posts. Since Sandy was only a year and a half ago, I’ve yet to replace the fish sauce or the white miso paste. Like any good TV chef, Julia knew how critical it was to have a glass of wine nearby. She wasn’t throwing it down like that lush Graham Kerr, but like any woman over 6’3″, she knew the importance of vino. That being said, my fridge contains raspberries, cashew butter, whole wheat tortillas, some kale and several bottles of white wine and champagne. For a delicious and somewhat pretentious snack, simply smear some cashew butter on a tortilla, sprinkle with berries to taste, then roll up the tortilla. Slice the tortilla on the bias (diagonally, you philistines!) and arrange the pieces on a platter with a sprig of kale on the side. Contrary to popular belief, kale is not actually edible and should only be used for decorative purposes. Serve this colorful, festive platter with lots and lots of wine.
3. You’ve eaten the last slice of your partner’s/child’s/parents/friends/ (just pick one and move on) birthday cake. Do you fess up or lie right to their face? (If we had cake laying around, I wouldn’t be considering eating that kale). Back before my dog became an invalid, any missing food was attributed by all household members as having been counter-surfed by the pup. Now that she’s gimpy and the kids are grown, that option is gone. Since there is no one else in the house most of the time except my wife and me, my only other option for blame is telling her that she ate it, and then being amazed that she didn’t recall doing so. This sort of gas-lighting is what old married folks do for fun.
4. Do you leave a tip even if the service was really horrible? If the service is really horrible, I demand to speak to the manager on duty. If the server is reprimanded right in front of me, I’ll tip the manager. I’ll then try to order a dessert which will taste good with spit in it, then demand that they provide me with safe passage out to my car.
5. How do you eat spaghetti? Twirl up with your fork straight from plate to mouth or do you twirl the noodles against a spoon first? I eat spaghetti with a straw. It’s time consuming, but as many reprimanded waiters and waitresses will attest, I do suck.
6. What would make you admit to crying during a movie even if you didn’t actually cry? Back in my dating days, I’d confess to crying in a movie if I thought it would help my chances of getting lucky. More often than not, this strategy backfired and resulted in my being labelled as “sensitive” and cemented my role as a friend and confidant who girls could talk to about their boyfriends.
7. One of your fellow Field Reporters has been diagnosed with an ingrown toenail so infected, they have to wear Crocs until the antibiotic kicks in. What do you do?
B. Write a post about it.
C. Find ways to make them walk across the room.
D. Pull people in off the street to take a look.
E. Tell them to post a picture to Instagram.
F. None of the above because…eww. Gross!
G. Other (and be specific)
YOUR ANSWER IS: G. Other. As a caring member of the human race, who has great respect and admiration for my fellow NWR reporters, I’d insist that they find a new podiatrist. The idea of encasing ones foot in plastic shoes to address an infection goes against the tenets of modern medicine – they’d be better off burning a bouquet of sage and then submerging their tootsie in a bucket of leaches.
Thank you, Dave. Please leave the room now while we review your answers.
Okay people. Now it’s your turn. Let us know in the comment section if you think Dave deserves a raise and the reasons why. Don’t let his charm and good looks sway you. Honesty is the best policy. Or it would be if we had a policy manual.
Thank you for your time.