Archives for posts with tag: president

(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.

The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*

The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”

Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.

Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack.  A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.

Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.

Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.

Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.

Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?

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Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.

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Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…

White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.

Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.

Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.

Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.

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I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!

Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”

“We are not here to lecture — to tell other peoples how to live, what to do or who to be. We are here instead to offer partnership in building a better future for us all.”

You give good satire, sir.

))))****SPECIAL REPORT****((((

It’s so special that my left eyeball is threatening to disown my right eyeball if it votes for the other candidate. 

Yep.  We in the USA are eyeball deep in politics.  If scathing memes were swords, both sides would be microscopic pieces of bullc#@p by now.  

I’ve seen so many different Trump and Hillary memes, if they were on baseball cards they’d fill my entire bedroom.  

I’d rather fill my bedroom with other things.

Hey you!  Perv!  Get your D@#&%D mind out of the gutter!!! Who do you think you are…Bill Clinton?  

Here are the other things I’d rather fill my bedroom with:

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Not that I’m as frigid as Yellow Knife in January.  In fact, I did find one way in which I’ve out trumped Trump!!!

I believe in traditional marriage, too.  I like it so much, I’ve said “I do” 5 times.  Unfortunately, I’ve also said “I don’t” 3 times, and had to bury one of them.

But wait!  I think Clinton has us all beat — Bill that is.

Hillary heard Bill say the word “intern” and she just couldn’t take it anymore.  Good thing she found a way to keep Bill out of the White House and blame Trump for it.

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Which one do you believe is true?

Are there more Hillary memes than Trump memes?  

or…

Here’s my opinion (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?)

The real king and queen of meme are…..

……(drumroll):

My Baid (My But Alas I Digress), It’s all just the same-old-same-old.  These political parties are  trying to steal get your vote even after you’re dead.

To steal part of a line from a 1960’s song: I’ve looked at life politics from both sides now….

Maybe they’re twins that get along as well as my eyeballs?

Then there are the “informational” memes.

Trump made billions in business while Hillary made millions in politics.

If they were saints, they wouldn’t be running for office.

Hell would freeze over.

No worries. That’s about as likely as catching my cat smoking a cigarette.

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I’ll end my foray into meme-what-you-slay politics with two more:

If nothing else, United States politics is electrifying.

Here’s a meme only a smarmy, slick-talking politician can convince you to believe:

 Any questions?