Canada vs. the USA

 

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So special, it’s telling you what you already know.

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Mandatory digression:

Well….I just returned home from my once-every-5-years physical.  Why the doctor’s office considers it rude to miss a physical for 4 years in a row, I’ll never know.  As punishment, they shredded my file 3 months ago and made me register as a new patient.

Filling out 20 forms with 8-font words must be the way they test your mental health.  If you can do it without having a melt-down in the waiting room, you’ve passed. 

They wanted to know my race, so I wrote: “Human.”  Then, on the 18^th form, they wanted to know if I took illegal drugs or owned firearms, so I wrote:  “Are you crazy? What the hell does that have to do with a physical exam?” 

Yeah, sure, I use bazookas as part of my upper body weight-lifting routine. That’s why I have huge muscles.

In case anyone out there is delusional enough to believe I lift anything but dogs...

 

 <–   This is me, at 13.  My upper arm strength hasn’t changed all that much.  

Canadians don’t have to worry about that sort of irrelevant nonsense; they’re too busy trying to survive their 9 month winters. 

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In the USA, if someone robs a bank they yell:  Wallets!  Money!  Now, Mo%&$*#@^kers! 

In Canada, if someone robs a bank they say:  Your wallets and money, please.  So sorry.

Why would I believe that?  Look at the Vaulter Bandit, who chose a different bank to rob 4 times a year (on average).  In 2015, he disguised himself as a construction worker, chatted with bank security, robbed the bank at gunpoint and then said,  “Have a nice Mother’s Day,” to the employees.

If something like this happened in the US, the police wouldn’t have a nice thing to say about the  #%**$&^@d robber.  But not in Canada.

“He’s in relatively good shape. He can vault over the counter with ease. He’s very flexible.” 

I have to say that the women in Canada are tough.  The Vaulter Bandit left without any cash in 2011 when a female employee kicked him in the balls.

I have a theory:  There aren’t enough paved roads in Canada to allow a bank robber to escape anywhere meaningful.  Since the Vaulter Bandit has grey hair, he probably spent the winter in Palm Springs, California working out in a gym. That’s where most of the Canadian Snowbirds go.

He couldn’t come back to Florida and rob us, he was arrested and served time here. 

So what does he do when he can’t go south again?  He tries fleeing to Switzerland. They’re not as polite in Geneva as police are in Canada.  They actually arrested him.

People in Canada have to be polite to each other.  After all, that @$$hole next door might be one of the people helping you dig out of the snow in January.  That’s the way it was in Minnesota when I lived there, a state that might as well be part of Canada.

Hell!  Even your cats are different.

Here’s my proof.

Canadian Cat

My cat

You want more proof?

I’ll begin with an up-to-date map of Canada to show why there aren’t enough paved roads for a robber to make a decent escape:

Canada only has 4% of their roads paved because…I mean…really?  Who wants to vacation with the Inuit’s?    

Even the homeless have their limits on where to travel, especially during the winter.  They only go to the parts of Canada where the snowbirds have abandoned their mountain homes for the winter.

Homeless people aren’t stupid, or they wouldn’t survive for long.  Yet it does seem strange that Kansas is preferable to Mexico.  Then again, with so many corn fields, they’ll never starve.

from huffington post

But alas, I digress.

In the USA, all but 1% of the roads are paved.  The difference between paved and unpaved roads can be seen in these pictures:

The road in front of my house

Contrast that with L.A. at Rush Hour

For your viewing pleasure, here is a Canadian road during a major event:

 

Looking at the big picture, I’d say that Los Angeles has as many miles of paved roadway as all of Canada.

Canadian politeness is legendary

Here in the USA, that attitude has traditionally been called “Milk toast.”

The USA is known for letting it all out.  Just ask our favorite irreverent American, Maxine:

If that isn’t enough to convince you that most people in the USA aren’t the type to say “sorry” in a Mosh Pit:

In the USA, most graffiti is…well…graphic.

(UNABLE TO POST PICTURES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18)

But not in Canada

So there you have it:  The difference between the US and Canada:

People in the USA say it like it is and Canadians want to survive.

How To Ace Your Physical Exam

While most of the world was busy making New Year’s resolutions, I was in the throes of cramming for my physical exam.

Reading and yoga is so relaxing…..photo by Shallow Reflections™

It’s not like I don’t know a year in advance that this annual assessment is on the calendar. Since I’ve fallen short of a health makeover once again, looks like I’ll rely on my wits and winning personality to pull off a passing grade. Plus I’m too old to score any Adderall.

Did you know there has been evidence rattling around for decades showing no benefit to this once a year ritual? But the medical community is slow to embrace change, especially when it brings in change.

Since I can’t reform American medicine, it is time to bone up and get prepared. After all, if I don’t show up for class once a year with my medical provider, I won’t get recognized when I raise my hand in mid-February with a fever of 103 and a chest full of phlegm. Instead I will hear, “Sorry, you’ve been expelled!”

The first hurdle: the public weigh in

Tell me why a health care system that spends billions of dollars per second, cannot afford a scale in each exam room? I have one at home that was not expensive, and it is thinner than the new MacBook Air. If I used it, I’m sure it would be accurate.

At any rate, there is one upright scale located in the public hallway, as intimidating as airport security. It waves people through to the inner sanctum after it reveals your digital weight carried out 5 decimal points.

Since I like to get down to bare essentials for a weigh in, it is very embarrassing to stand in my underwear with others looking on. So I’ve come up with a different approach.

A carefully timed dose of ipecac syrup will result in ejection of stomach contents as I approach the BMI police. By the time the medical assistant has called for the clean up crew, I’ve been ushered into an exam room.

Depending on what my last meal was, this should result in a stamp in my chart placing me on the “NWL” (No Weight List).

‘Preventive’ tests

‘Preventive’ tests should be labeled ‘Tests to Look for Diseases.’ I offer up blood and tissue sacrifices, and squeeze delicate parts of my anatomy into radiation emitting de-vises. Then I wait for my scores, which I hope arrive in envelopes instead of via the dreaded Phone Call.

I have issues with criticism, so I carefully consider the consequences of subjecting myself to this cellular scrutiny. I am also mindful that results could be wrong, like my siblings who say I was a spoiled and lazy child.

Lifestyle questions 

Describe your alcohol intake? 

The latest guidelines for women are: 1 but no more than 2 drinks daily, for maximum of 7 drinks per week. I have a proven technique for making this warped math equation work. If I’m in danger of reaching that magic number 7 early in the week, I simply start the week over.

Answer: “I follow the guidelines for healthy drinking in women.”

Do you smoke? I like to have multiple-choice answers ready for this question.

a) Do I need to count the cigars I smoke around the back yard fire pit?
b) You mean tobacco?
c) Not yet.
d) Only when I dress up.

What do you do for exercise?

I stand at my desk for 3-4 hours/week, flex my feet and toes while I watch TV, and power walk multiple times from the living room to the refrigerator each evening. I toss and turn in bed most nights, with minimum of three trips to the bathroom.

Answer: “I stay active both at work and at home.”

How would you describe your eating habits?

Answer: I follow Michael Pollan’s “Food Rules.” (My version: Eat food. Too much. Mostly sugar).

When your twenty something medical assistant begins to stifle a giggle, you know she has come to the sex questions. Her nimble mind, still capable of doing mental math, calculated your age from your date of birth, and she checked off the box ‘not applicable.’ 

I’m relieved when I don’t show signs of a terminal illness during the 15 minutes I spent with the principal my doctor. Now all I have to fret about are the 364 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes I manage on my own, hoping to avoid detention or worse….a ‘final’ exam.

Next year I’m due for a colonoscopy, which is a graduate level ‘test looking for cancer.’ Instead of spending time at the head of the class, I’ll be doing time in ‘the head.’

How do you prepare for your physical exam? Do you have some Cliff Notes you’d like to share? Do you strive to make the dean’s list or settle for ‘pass/fail’?

Choosing The Right Fad in 2015

Guest-blog by Matt at Shithead Central

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It’s 2015, you’ve resolved once again to lose the weight, “make a lifestyle change,” “get healthier,” or however you have to sell it to yourself to make it feel different this time.

Learning the basics of how a body functions and form a reasonable weight loss plan has so many painstaking requirements:

1. Own a computer.
2. Know what Google is.
3. Be able to read.

Daunting!  What sort of royalty does the fitness community think average people are?!  There are a lot of wonderfully unnecessary steps you can take to get in shape such as buying a lot of equipment you won’t use, hiring a personal trainer to pat you on the back, or decide you hate gluten and eat expensive foods that don’t have it.

Before you take these steps, however, you need to find the perfect fad diet for you.