Archives for posts with tag: cats

Hey there everyone.

Since it’s still technically the weekend for a few more hours (at least in the US anyway), why don’t we all unwind with some fun stories about my favourite subject.

No, not cake!

Although that would be an excellent idea come to think of it, I’ll bear that in mind for the next thrilling installment 🙂

cake

Get ready for some animal news, views and commentary from around the globe.

(Why animals you say? Because they are freaking adorable! And usually good for a laugh too – OK, let’s go!)

 

African elephants may be shortest-sleeping mammals

elephantnose

African elephants are one of the largest mammals on the planet and you would think that with that comes plenty of time spent under the blankets.

Researchers have found out however that African elephants in the wild sleep an average of two hours a day and regularly go nearly two days without sleep.

Are you kidding me? Two days? And only two hours kip? I want to take a nap every ten minutes and doze for at least twenty hours at a time like my spirit animal the sloth or there will be hell to pay. Two days without sleep and I’m going to be trampling people underfoot and not even notice they were there. No wonder wild elephants are angry. I’d be flaming furious.

What about the old phrase an elephant never forgets? Of course they flaming forget, they forget to go to sleep!

(News Source:- BBC Newsround)

 

April the pregnant giraffe has been up the duff for fifteen months

The internet is going absolutely bonkers and doolally over a gorgeous giraffe named April, who resides in the Animal Adventure Park in New York, as she patiently gets closer and closer to the very special day that she is due to give birth.

aprilgiraffe

(Picture source – Animal Adventure Park Giraffe Cam / YouTube)

giraffewatch

(#GiraffeWatch – with Brian Fantana)

Fifteen months with child, eh? Blimey! Whoever invented that sequence of events wants to drive this poor beast completely mad with the wait and boredom. I guess you can’t rush perfection in such a magnificent creature. You know those jigsaw puzzles with many bits and the difficult corners? That’s what nature is putting together in this womb, a giant, intricate, long-necked, tessellating jigsaw puzzle. Also, allegedly giraffes use their necks for sex. But that’s another story entirely. Which can be found here if you are feeling curious, horny or curiously horny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/earth/story/20160629-giraffes-did-not-evolve-long-necks-to-reach-tall-trees

At any rate, it looks like it going to be at least April before the magic happens, as her due time is still uncertain but it is meant to be really close now. I can’t take the suspense any more, it’s killing me! I guess I can fit in a few more episodes of The Walking Dead and the entire season of Iron Fist when it comes out later this month on Netflix  to stop my sweaty palms messaging April’s zookeepers every day with:-

“Is it ready? Is she there yet? Deliver it already, puhleease! Ohhhh she must be close now! Squeeeeeeeeeee!”

I really need to get some better hobbies. And many years of therapy.

(News Source:- Today.com & all over your Facebook feeds in the little gaps not dominated by Trump)

 

Paternity leave and beer? A winning combination

Brewdog brewery are offering paternity leave for employees who have just adopted a dog.

brewdogbeerdog

(Picture source – @BrewDog/Twitter)

Yes, you heard that correctly. Those kind folks at Brewdog are offering their employees a week’s paternity leave to allow them to look after their newly adopted furbaby.

This is fantastic. In that case I will try to get hired by them and adopt a new dog every week. I cannot lose!

drinktothat

(Actually now that I come to think about it, that’s a lot of pooper scooping. I may have to adopt a new dog every other week or I’m going to run out of plastic doggy bags).

(News Source:- Today.com)

 

It’s plane to see a tiny mouse causing big trouble for a recent British Airways flight

A London to San Francisco flight earlier this week was delayed for four hours after a mouse was spotted inside the plane causing mischief and scurrying around like he owned the place.

The passengers were swiftly moved to another gate and then swiftly left to wait for hours to board the new plane leaving many people feeling ratty.

micememe

(Of mice and meme)

For those of you who are old enough to have seen the film ‘The Abominable Dr Phibes’ with Vincent Price (made in 1971, crikey!) and the disturbing rats/plane scene in particular (the whole film is ridiculous and they made a sequel, which is also terribly over the top funny and gruesome too), it is completely understandable that you would not want to be on a flying machine miles above the ocean floor when Mr Mousekawitz decides it would be an excellent time to chew through the engine cables because he is a little peckish.

Unconfirmed reports claim that Samuel L. Jackson was on board the plane itself and has bought the rights to the screenplay.

He is thinking about making a sequel to his B-Movie hit “Snakes on a Plane” and plans on calling it “Rats Going Nuts On A Runaway Train”.

rattrain

Yeah, the title needs work and is a bit cheesy but the sequel is definitely going places.

(News Source:- Nature World News)

 

I did think about doing more but then I got tired and decided to go take a nap. For 20 hours.

sloth

Want more animal news stories? Got any stories that you want to share with us? Or just want to tell me how much you hate all of my puns? (But they are the best bit! That makes me furrious) then don’t forget to leave a comment below and join in the fun, we’d love to hear from you 🙂

Until next time friends – keep smiling 🙂

boop

))))****SPECIAL REPORT****((((

I did it!   

I found the reincarnation of George Washington!

It wasn’t easy. I had to leave my central air, overstuffed couch, 60 inch screen, and French onion potato chips for a grueling 3 hour flight in coach class.  Then I had to sit in the desert with 20 other people while I swallowed Ayahuasca…

…and smoked a lot of weed so that when the snake appeared to answer my question I wouldn’t freak out.

From:  Pixshark.com

Did you know that a snake can smile?  Not a pretty sight, let me tell you.  But it helped to have unicorns hopping around in back of him singing, “My Way” while rainbows glittered in my eyes.

From clixfuel.com

Anyway, that’s enough background information.  For now.

Ends up, that old George now sits at the right hand of the Dalai Lama.  Sort of.  I read in the National Rag that it would be much too painful for the Buddhist icon to form that level of attachment to another living spirit again.  

“I’ll have to translate for you,” The snake says, his voice echoing in my brain like a jack-hammer at point-blank range.  “You don’t speak cat.”

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I gulped loudly.  “George…is a…cat?  What heinous crime did he commit that sentenced him to cathood?”

The stately feline hovered close to the Dahlia or Llama or whatever, but not too close.  I’ll just call it ‘an acceptable distance.’

“Gggg…George?”  I stuttered.

“No.  It’s not a punishment.  I chose this blessing.”

“The Dalai Lama asks that both of you think softly,” the snake said.  “He’s meditating.”

“Why did you choose to live in this ice laden hell hole?” I whispered.

“It beats fighting ice flows in the Potomac, and I like the simple routine of meditating before dawn, pooping in the garden, and relaxing under the stars.” 

“Sounds boring,”  I said, yawning.

He curled up into a ball of contentment, staring at me with that incredulous cat look.

incredulcat.jpg

 

“That delicious looking snake says you want to ask me something.  What is your question?”

“Have you been anyone else during the last 216 years?”

From:  Fanpop.com

“I thought I could do some good during the war of 1812, but I was 9 at the time and diphtheria got to me before I could join the battle. Then I was a woman in Georgia during the civil war.   Let me tell you, it’s not easy being a plantation owners daughter when you’ve commanded an entire army and served as president of the United States.  I have great respect for the half of our world that men are constantly treating like commodities.  After I died trying to give birth at the age of 16, I floated in oneness for a while.”

“I want to be a rock star when I’m reincarnated,” I said with a smile.

“Your second husband told you that you’d better watch out what you wish for, you might get it.”

“I don’t remember much, but I do remember he used to say that a lot. I’m still trying to understand what it means.”

“I’m not surprised,”  George sighed.  “You’re not the first, nor will you be the last to seek me out.  I’d hoped that being a cat would discourage people but nooooo…you idiots continue to ask the same d@mned question over and over and over again.”

“I wanted to know what you thought of Memorial Day and the Fourth of July?”

“That’s 2 questions but, okay.  I’ll bite.  Most people ask what I think about the United States as it is in 2016.”

“What did you tell them?”

“I gave you a chance, you blew it, and I’m over it.  So go have your picnics, terrorize your pets with fireworks and leave me in peace, man.”

“Tell me, were you a Hippie in the 1960’s?”

From coolcostumesexpress.com …man

“Yeah, man.  That lasted until I died of AIDs in 1977.  I wasn’t a Hippie for the politics.”

“Let me get this straight.  The father of our country would rather be a womanizing Hippie or a meditating cat than fight for his country again?”

George stretched out, yawned, and sniffed the crisp, clean air. “You people are addicted to amassing things and you crave entertainment.”

In the defense of our country I said, “That’s the American way.”

“It didn’t used to be. Think of the present US population as an alcoholic lying on a bench guzzling cheap wine.  He says he wants to clean himself up and start a new life.  A man with compassion and integrity fights for his right to individual treatment and nearly dies trying to help him acclimate to the new life he said he wanted.  A year later, that same alcoholic is on a bench guzzling cheap wine and complaining that no one wants to help him start a new life.  Why would any sane entity try to help him again?”

“So then, what do you think about Memorial Day and Independence Day?”

“I think I smell a rat.  It’s time to get back to my day job.”

“But…”

“It’s not my responsibility to decide how you’re supposed to think!  It’s your job to stop “training” children and start educating them in the art of critical thinking.”

“Your time is up,” the snake told me.

I took in a deep breath, looked at the snake and asked, “Is this a joke?”

“No,” He said solemnly.  “It’s a warning.”

The snake faded away and I giggled at the unicorns dancing on bright green valleys under blue skies…until I fell off my noble white steed, the rainbows faded and my mind returned to the desert. 

I scratched the sand out of my derriere, oblivious to the people laughing as I did it. But I had more important things to think about than humanity’s shallowness.

A man who could’ve been Native American or South American, or something like that, asked, “Was your question answered?”

I smiled up at him and said, “I was told to get a cat and treat him as if he were George Washington.”

In an explosive study by the University of Lincoln (Abe? Nebraska? Mercury?), findings show that cats are not like dogs. Cat lovers, hissing and arching their backs, quickly pushed back. Pet stores reported a run on the drug, CatNip, as cat owners stormed their stores, demanding staff hand over their personal stash. Employees were physically abused as customers ransacked shelves, and the looters were heard muttering, “Fluffy is just not that into me? FLUFFY DOESN’T LOVE ME? Trust scientists to come down on the side of dogs. What a bunch of pack animals.”

The study (the 103rd of its kind) involved animal wrangling 20 cats, who volunteered so we humans finally “get it” that no other animal is like them. No longer forced to live a life of misunderstood head-butting and lap-kneading, these felines finally let the — cat out of the bag — and the caterwauling of their owners over the study didn’t get more than a tail twitch. Read the rest of this entry »