What To Pack For A Trip To Saudi Arabia

(Author’s Note: due to the time difference between the United States and Saudi Arabia, it’s tomorrow’s post, today.)

Dear President Trump:

Congratulations on your trip to Saudi Arabia! I know you can’t wait to get out of the country and we can’t wait for you to leave.

The timing couldn’t be better, by the way. *wink wink*

The White House says you’ll also make stops next week in Israel, Belgium and Italy. The trip is “a chance to visit places sacred to three of the world’s major religions while creating face time with Arab, Israeli and European leaders.”

Just to be clear, when your staff say “face time” they don’t mean “FaceTime” like the FaceTime that’s on your phone. You’ll be in the room, talking face-to-face. With actual words coming out of your mouth. Hopefully you won’t say something that will make our sphincters clench.

Your staff was too busy contradicting your tweets, accidentally or on purpose or because they haven’t a fucking clue, so here’s a note on what to pack.  A kind of what-to-take; what-not-to-take in words of few syllables. I’d draw but I can’t draw and I freely admit that. I like to be honest as much as possible, which by the way, if you’re on the fence, yes. You should pack that.

Leave the women at home. Especially if they have a driver’s license.

Now, Kellyanne Conway is a bit of an enigma. (Look it up. With your attention span, I know my time is finite. Look that one up, too.) Are gnomes asexual? Your call and if she becomes a problem, you can have Secret Service lock her in her hotel room with a manual on microwaves.

Sean Spicer. You should definately take him. He’s spent so much time with his head up his ass, he’ll feel right at home in a head scarf. Maybe one with bunny ears. To match his bunny outfit. Because something tells me he’s going to be hopping from one hot-button issue to another.

Ted Cruz. That’s a tough one. With or without rompers?

Looks like Anthony Weiner will be heading to the big house (prison, not the White House but I can see how that could be confusing) later this year, so a vacation overseas might be what he needs to take his mind off 15-year-old girls. But if he asks, no, he can’t use your phone.

Michael Flynn is out of a job as National Security Advisor. If he’s not already on his way to Russia or Turkey, he could be a good traveling companion. And you seem to like him. A lot. You defend him like you and he are more than bros. We don’t know what he’s got on you. Yet. And maybe Politico got it right…

“White House officials said Trump has told people to pass warm messages to Flynn if they speak to him.”

Warm massages…whoops. I mean messages. My bad. But seriously. Passing notes back and forth is something eight-year-olds do in history class. Which explains a lot actually.

Stephen Colbert sends his regrets. He says there’s no room for him in the #brierpatch and the thought of being on Air Force One with no escape pod is making him break out in zits. But he said to tell you not to worry. He and his staff writers will be behind the curtain, taping everything.

Pack lots and lots of ties. Boring works for you. And really, you can’t pull this off.

I had James Comey on the guest list originally. Then that thing happened, with the thing about the thing. What a nut job!

Last thoughts. You’ll need some speeches. I know how much you hate to get up and talk about yourself in front of other people. I’m looking at an advance copy of one speech you’re “writing.”

“We are not here to lecture — to tell other peoples how to live, what to do or who to be. We are here instead to offer partnership in building a better future for us all.”

You give good satire, sir.

Health News Special Report – 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep

Hey there everyone.

If like me whenever you look at the news nowadays at what horrible atrocities have been dreamed up on a daily basis by The Trump Administration, or where we are headed with Brexit negotiations, or when April the giraffe is going to deliver her baby (come on, I can’t take the suspense!) or are simply a creative type and therefore sleep is usually an optional luxury at the expense of writing something down then let it be known that you are not alone, if you too are having trouble sleeping at night.

Thankfully, I have a solution for you all and it is cheap at the price. (Come back, it’s free!)

Check out this guest post written by a friend of mine to help you sleep much better at night. Or double your money back. (Remember, this is free so you get double of nothing but it is good advice all the same).

Health News Special Report – 10 Eazzzy Wayzzz to Fall Azzzleep

Sleep. That monosyllabic, five lettered word that consists of two vowels and three consonants that strikes fear into the creative as it means waste of productivity. But just how much sleep is sufficient for the average individual? For babies, it seems five minutes and thirty-one seconds is enough, but for adults, it is a different story and we should aim to get a decent slumber of around eight hours preferably at night time. However, sleep is an individual thing so it comes down to your needs in the end and no medical journal will tell you this – believe me. If you do find yourself overindulging in sleep especially at work where this is a common occurrence, a career change could be in order and is something the Doctor cannot prescribe you. However, excessive sleep does not mean laziness (but it does if you are a student) and there could be a medical condition at play here so get yourself a Doctor referral to the nearest Premier Inn (or Holiday Inn in the US).

What follows is a look at 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep. There are only ten and let no-one tell you different. Remember how Moses came back with Ten Commandments? It wasn’t Eleven was it?

As I am writing this, I should be asleep, but I chose to educate the nation with my definitive, foolproof plan.

1. Bin your relationship.

Seems obvious doesn’t it, but time and again, people make the mistake of getting into a relationship only to encounter nights of sleepless worry about whether a partner will WhatsApp in the next 30 secs and if they don’t, well clearly they are cheating. It’s the same with the removal of ‘Last Seen.’ Eradicate the need for a relationship and watch how life becomes calmer and chamomile tea becomes your natural beverage of choice and cats naturally enter your domain without you having to capture them for comfort.

2. Kick partner out of the bedroom.

You do enough in your day and the last thing you expect is coital relations after cooking an elaborate three course meal or just dinner in a microwave. That’s why the spare room was invented because you never know its significance until you are in a relationship. Moving your partner out of the bedroom means quality you time. Take it from someone who knows.

3. Read a book.

Here I recommend that you read a genre you are truly uncomfortable with and one that contains highfalutin text that only the page numbers make sense. Books that have made me fall asleep include the Constitutional Law, 13th Edition (first paragraph), Equity & Trusts (cover) and Being Reem by Joey Essex (foreword).

4. Learn a language.

This is a definite must before bedtime. They key to learning a language is listening to audio so by the time your brain has realised this fact, you’ve nodded off. However, I do realise I haven’t specified the language and that is of course, Mandarin. Standard.

5. Counting sheep.

Without a shadow of doubt, counting sheep has to be the biggest old wives tale out there. Counting cows is a much better option.

6. Turn mobile off.

Thank God, Adele never did this otherwise we would never have her albums. You on the other hand are different, so switch it off because it will only add to the despair that is life.

7. Exercise.

A rigorous routine before bedtime will ensure that all you will desire is bed. I do mean a full work out though and no running on the spot for one minute. Admittedly, for some people this does have a reverse effect and may accidentally release endorphins, but this is the brainwashing we have to come to expect from a Personal Trainer, so take what they say with a pinch of salt like life.

8. Incense.

I don’t know why it’s called this, because it causes nothing but calm. However, sometimes, it can be quite costly depending on the brand, so if you can’t afford the flight to India to buy good quality incense, light a match and the fumes of the fire will knock you out.

9. A sedative.

Not celebrated enough in my opinion. The advantage of taking this is sleep is brought on anytime, anywhere. The obvious disadvantage is getting a P45 or pink slip in the mail without realising what caused it. It’s a shame there are no clearer warnings on the packaging.

10. Lavender.

The best piece of advice was given to me by my grandmother who told me that ingestion was completely wrong and to inhale it through my nose. It’s nature’s own Chloroform or Rohypnol, however you want to view it, and you’ll be out for the count before you know it.

© T Nayder, 2016

 

Thanks for reading friends, don’t have nightmares about April, I’m sure that baby will be popping out soon and do sleep well 🙂

Piled higher and deeper and in quadruplicate

Aaaarrrrguh!

It’s Wednesday?  Already?

 

 

***????SPECIAL REPORT????***

If this report were any more special you could buy it at McD’s.

And I’m not clowning around!

mcdonalds.wikia.com

 

 

Today’s  addition to the Nudge Wink reports is about working for government

Any government.

 I don’t care if it’s the USA, Canada, Russia, or Lower Sloboviya, there’s paperwork.

 

                                                 …and I need this filing done in an hour!

My cat and every government in the world have one thing in common:  The same mantra

 

After a month back on my job, it felt like this:

Just when I thought that paperwork and I had come to an understanding…

 

Supershirtguy.com

 

…I was presented with the horrible truth:

 

 

123rf.com

 

 

The people at the non-profit organization are fantastic!

It started out simple enough.  Once upon a time there were groups of parents all over the USA who wanted to give their forgotten children something to do during the day.  They relied on volunteers, bake sales and donations to run their local non-profit organizations. 

Then the state of Florida said, “We will give you money.”

It wasn’t much, and often didn’t come in at a reliable time.  But a group of advocates worked very, very hard to get more money and have it doled out each month, not whenever a social worker got around to doing it.

So then the state of Florida said, “We will partner with the federal government and both of us will give you money.”

People from other states heard about Florida’s windfall.  They didn’t try to get this program in their state.  Noooo.  They flocked into Florida like a cloud of vultures to benefit from the money that was supposed to be used for Floridians. 

What was meant to help 5000 people IED’d into an explosion of need that threatened to kill the program and everyone associated with it.

Instead of the state saying, “You have to live here 10 years before you’re eligible for this program,” they said…

“Let there be forms,”

And there were forms.

Then they said, “Let there be rules and regulations.”

And there were enough rules and regulations to kill off the dinosaurs.

And behold, the plan to plan to do the plan was created.

I was hired to write over 200 of these a year, get them completed before the deadlines, and send them out in quadruplicate.

Oh, but it gets bitter better.

1. LEVEL 1:  The government generates a program and puts paperwork into rule.  It means they make laws instead of congress, which is unconstitutional.
2. LEVEL 2:  The government subcontracts with one giant agency to monitor the entire program.  The state monitors the monitors.
3. LEVEL 3: For the next level under that, the government hires other subcontractors to oversee ALL the subcontractors who provide direct care services to the people who are receiving services.
4. LEVEL toilet bowl (4):   Level 3 sends Level 4 the paperwork out of which 100+ different types of forms are generated.  
5. Why 100+ different forms?  Because the F@#&*%$ government can’t get their act together and make the 10+ agencies — whose laws we have to follow– CONSOLIDATE THEIR PAPERWORK!

Level 1, the state & feds

Level 2, monitors

Level 3 sub monitors

 

 

<—I am here….level 4

 

 

I wish it were as simplistic, but this system puts the pyramid scheme to shame.

In the scheme of things it’s a lot more like this.

 

ladotbikeblog.wordpress.com

 

I’m somewhere near the vanishing point…I think.

Subcontractors at level 3 who haven’t done their job right will walk into my office at times, and I’m supposed to do this:

They have learned to avoid me because my face will become indelibly paired with this:

I know I shouldn’t be catty, but…some days I just can’t help being sar-cat-stick.

Did I mention how hard it is to get 100 overworked, underpaid, and rarely appreciated people to get paperwork into the office at the right time…and how greatly it resembles trying to herd 100 terrified cats? 

It helps to be a professional nag armed with a healthy dose of OCD.  

The non-profit recently had an audit.  I just found out that my insistence on doing paperwork that my former boss said was unnecessary saved 2-months of payback.

I’ll be smiling about that for days.

boredpanda.com

If you ever experience temporary insanity and think you can trust ANY government, always remember this truth:

Really.