Posted in Humor, Special Report, Too Full To Write

Health News Special Report – 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep

Hey there everyone.

If like me whenever you look at the news nowadays at what horrible atrocities have been dreamed up on a daily basis by The Trump Administration, or where we are headed with Brexit negotiations, or when April the giraffe is going to deliver her baby (come on, I can’t take the suspense!) or are simply a creative type and therefore sleep is usually an optional luxury at the expense of writing something down then let it be known that you are not alone, if you too are having trouble sleeping at night.

Thankfully, I have a solution for you all and it is cheap at the price. (Come back, it’s free!)

Check out this guest post written by a friend of mine to help you sleep much better at night. Or double your money back. (Remember, this is free so you get double of nothing but it is good advice all the same).

Fowl Language Comics Health

Health News Special Report – 10 Eazzzy Wayzzz to Fall Azzzleep

Sleep. That monosyllabic, five lettered word that consists of two vowels and three consonants that strikes fear into the creative as it means waste of productivity. But just how much sleep is sufficient for the average individual? For babies, it seems five minutes and thirty-one seconds is enough, but for adults, it is a different story and we should aim to get a decent slumber of around eight hours preferably at night time. However, sleep is an individual thing so it comes down to your needs in the end and no medical journal will tell you this – believe me. If you do find yourself overindulging in sleep especially at work where this is a common occurrence, a career change could be in order and is something the Doctor cannot prescribe you. However, excessive sleep does not mean laziness (but it does if you are a student) and there could be a medical condition at play here so get yourself a Doctor referral to the nearest Premier Inn (or Holiday Inn in the US).

What follows is a look at 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep. There are only ten and let no-one tell you different. Remember how Moses came back with Ten Commandments? It wasn’t Eleven was it?

As I am writing this, I should be asleep, but I chose to educate the nation with my definitive, foolproof plan.

1. Bin your relationship.

Seems obvious doesn’t it, but time and again, people make the mistake of getting into a relationship only to encounter nights of sleepless worry about whether a partner will WhatsApp in the next 30 secs and if they don’t, well clearly they are cheating. It’s the same with the removal of ‘Last Seen.’ Eradicate the need for a relationship and watch how life becomes calmer and chamomile tea becomes your natural beverage of choice and cats naturally enter your domain without you having to capture them for comfort.

2. Kick partner out of the bedroom.

You do enough in your day and the last thing you expect is coital relations after cooking an elaborate three course meal or just dinner in a microwave. That’s why the spare room was invented because you never know its significance until you are in a relationship. Moving your partner out of the bedroom means quality you time. Take it from someone who knows.

PartnerBed

3. Read a book.

Here I recommend that you read a genre you are truly uncomfortable with and one that contains highfalutin text that only the page numbers make sense. Books that have made me fall asleep include the Constitutional Law, 13th Edition (first paragraph), Equity & Trusts (cover) and Being Reem by Joey Essex (foreword).

4. Learn a language.

This is a definite must before bedtime. They key to learning a language is listening to audio so by the time your brain has realised this fact, you’ve nodded off. However, I do realise I haven’t specified the language and that is of course, Mandarin. Standard.

Sixth Love Language

5. Counting sheep.

Without a shadow of doubt, counting sheep has to be the biggest old wives tale out there. Counting cows is a much better option.

6. Turn mobile off.

Thank God, Adele never did this otherwise we would never have her albums. You on the other hand are different, so switch it off because it will only add to the despair that is life.

MobileSleep

7. Exercise.

A rigorous routine before bedtime will ensure that all you will desire is bed. I do mean a full work out though and no running on the spot for one minute. Admittedly, for some people this does have a reverse effect and may accidentally release endorphins, but this is the brainwashing we have to come to expect from a Personal Trainer, so take what they say with a pinch of salt like life.

8. Incense.

I don’t know why it’s called this, because it causes nothing but calm. However, sometimes, it can be quite costly depending on the brand, so if you can’t afford the flight to India to buy good quality incense, light a match and the fumes of the fire will knock you out.

Burning

9. A sedative.

Not celebrated enough in my opinion. The advantage of taking this is sleep is brought on anytime, anywhere. The obvious disadvantage is getting a P45 or pink slip in the mail without realising what caused it. It’s a shame there are no clearer warnings on the packaging.

10. Lavender.

The best piece of advice was given to me by my grandmother who told me that ingestion was completely wrong and to inhale it through my nose. It’s nature’s own Chloroform or Rohypnol, however you want to view it, and you’ll be out for the count before you know it.

© T Nayder, 2016

 

Thanks for reading friends, don’t have nightmares about April, I’m sure that baby will be popping out soon and do sleep well 🙂

Nightmares

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Author:

Writer, musician, Movie buff, daredevil

3 thoughts on “Health News Special Report – 10 Easy Ways to Fall Asleep

  1. Sleep is the best thing you can do for your mind, body, soul. I’ve also discovered that a nap a day keeps Trump away…and allows me to keep my sanity. For the most part. *grin*

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