Posted in Humor, News, Too Full To Write

Chinese New Year 2017 Edition – Horoscopes For All

Hey there everyone.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t be drawn into doing a Trump news post, despite him being heavily inaugurated all over the place and cropping up everywhere you look at the moment. Troubling times indeed.

In light of this, I therefore wanted to do something to take ourย minds off of politics for a minute and give us a welcome break, I owe that much to you wall…you all (argh).

Sorry, he’s still in my brain, got to purge him out, begone foul demon, I’m not Putin up with this any longer! (Oh no, I did it again).

And….breathe. I’m a professional. I can do this. I’m the one who can set the president..grrr….precedent for my actions, I am in control, let’s move swiftly on.

For this particular segment, I’m going to do a news twist with animals and what better place to focus on than Chinese New Year and horoscopes, a common staple of the news the world over!

To find your own horoscope for this year, simply scan down through the list and pick out your birth year. It couldn’t be simpler.

(Oh and I have the greatest respect for the Chinese Zodiac and its astrology, so please take this all with a pinch of salt if you’re superstitious and join me for a Chinese banquet and drinks any day of the week).

Rat Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948, 1936, 1924 & 1912)

ratatouille_65719-1600x1200

Someone as nimble and quick as you is bound to find many opportunities in finance, love and life, if you avoid any obvious traps lying around. If you cheat on your partner then it’s likely something will be cut off and that will be the end of this tale.

Ox Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949, 1937, 1925 & 1913)

donthaveacowman

Don’t go charging into anything head on without taking the time to check out the finer details first. Contrary to what you have heard, it is better to take stock of the situation if you want it to turn out just bovine. I mean divine. Of course, all of this could just be a load of old bull.

Tiger Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950, 1938, 1926 & 1914)

tigermeme

You were born to lead and this year is no exception, without a whisker of a doubt. People look up to you, they respect you and above all, you have a way of making everyone feline fine in your presence. When they see your true stripes and colours, they will be with you all the way to hell and back. Although for God’s sake, put on some pants, this isn’t the Middle Ages.

Rabbit Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2011, 1999, 1997, 1975, 1963, 1951, 1939, 1927 & 1915)

rabbit

Hare raising stuff. Come back at Easter and for a few chocolate eggs, I’ll tell you more and read your palm too for good measure. This ain’t free you know, I’ve got five kids to feed. Metaphorically speaking of course. In that I can eat enough chocolate to feed five kids. Please don’t judge, it’s not polite.

Dragon Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952, 1940, 1928 & 1916)

dragon-253539_960_720

Don’t go dragging your heels when it comes to opportunities this year, the world is your oyster. You have a tendency to misjudge situations and get all hot headed, so cool down, breathe deep, avoid spicy foods and eat plenty of mints because quite frankly dude, I won’t mince my words – your breath stinks. You’re welcome.

Snake Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953, 1941, 1929 & 1917)

snakesindianajones

Ugh. Get away from me! Sorry, force of habit. When it comes to achieving your goals, you can do so by shedding your old skin and being reborn in the new one. Never be afraid to try new things instead of just slithering away with your tail between your legs.

Hisstory dictates that you will be very cunning with your knowledge and squeeze a drop of class into everything you do. As for style tips, your shoes are just like your coffee – moccasin.

Horse Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954, 1942, 1930 & 1918)

horsememe

2017 is going to be a difficult year, with many hurdles to jump over. As long as you stay firmly focused in the saddle and are willing to go the distance then you should avoid a kick in the teeth when it comes to romance, so long as you don’t forget your lover’s anniversary, birthday, day you first held hands, day you first kissed and day you first bought ice cream together whilst running away to avoid bees and bears. What? Hey, it happens more often than you think, I would strongly recommend carrying bear and bee repellent in any spare purses or pockets. Slip your keys into your shoe to make room if you have to, you’ll thank me later, even with the blisters.

Lifehack tip – For future convenience and to save money on purchasing Hallmark cards, try to get all of these events to occur on the same day, even if you have to leave work early and lock the boss in the supply cupboard.

Sheep (or Goat) Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955, 1943, 1931 & 1919)

193h

Ewe have goat to be kidding me right now. Sorry about this folks, everything about this one is fuzzy for me right now. Come back later and I will try herder next time, I’m counting on itzzzzzzzz……….

Monkey Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956, 1944, 1932 & 1920)

213h

I could say that everyone goes bananas to find out more about this one but that would be too easy. Plus, I really hate bananas. In terms of the year ahead, as a monkey, you have many talents that you should not let go to waste. Also, wouldn’t it be really cool if we lived on a planet filled with apes?

Answer: No. No it wouldn’t. Because I hate bananas. Remember?

Rooster Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957, 1945, 1933 & 1921)

foghornleghorn

Congratulations! 2017 is your year – literally (and I do mean it that way and not figuratively, thank you Lemony Snicket), this is the Year of the Rooster! OK, no need to get all cocky about it, the least you can do is be a ย little pheasant.

It looks like things are looking up for you, so get yourself out there and strut your stuff. People are going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart you, that’s for sure. And if anything does happen to you then never rule out the chance that it could be fowl play for a poultry sum, so make sure you have a big insurance policy in place, just in case. Jake at State Farm is waiting for your call and has a pretty good idea what you are wearing. The pervert.

Dog Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946, 1934, 1922 & 1910)

puppy

Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are. This is a good year for you. Yes it is. You deserve it. Even though you pee’d on the couch but that happens to all of us when we’ve been drinking too much. Just me? TMI? Oh, um…*throws ball* “Go fetch!” Quick, roll the tape for the next one and let’s get the hell out of here!

Pig Horoscope for 2017
(Born in the years 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947, 1935, 1923 & 1911)

248h

Babe, you are looking fabulous this year! It looks like somebody is going to be bringing home the bacon very soon. Just don’t hog all the credit when excellent things start to happen, meet your colleagues halfway to ensure they don’t give you a good roasting behind your back.

 

And that’s your lot – hope you enjoyed it.

Kung Hei Fat Choy everybody – enjoy your celebrations and thank you for stopping by ๐Ÿ™‚

Finally for those of you that would like to learn more about their Chinese Horoscope in a much more detailed and serious sense then check out the link below to read monthly predictions, finance, love life and tons of other interesting information:-

Astrology Club – Chinese Horoscope 2017

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Author:

Writer, musician, Movie buff, daredevil

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