Posted in Floridaborne, Humor, Special Report

Canada vs. the USA

 

****))))SPECIAL REPORT((((****

So special, it’s telling you what you already know.

<_><_><_><_>

Mandatory digression:

Well….I just returned home from my once-every-5-years physical.  Why the doctor’s office considers it rude to miss a physical for 4 years in a row, I’ll never know.  As punishment, they shredded my file 3 months ago and made me register as a new patient.

Filling out 20 forms with 8-font words must be the way they test your mental health.  If you can do it without having a melt-down in the waiting room, you’ve passed. 

They wanted to know my race, so I wrote: “Human.”  Then, on the 18th form, they wanted to know if I took illegal drugs or owned firearms, so I wrote:  “Are you crazy? What the hell does that have to do with a physical exam?” 

Age 13.jpg

Yeah, sure, I use bazookas as part of my upper body weight-lifting routine. That’s why I have huge muscles.

In case anyone out there is delusional enough to believe I lift anything but dogs...

 

 <–   This is me, at 13.  My upper arm strength hasn’t changed all that much.  

Canadians don’t have to worry about that sort of irrelevant nonsense; they’re too busy trying to survive their 9 month winters. 

<_><_><_><_>

In the USA, if someone robs a bank they yell:  Wallets!  Money!  Now, Mo%&$*#@^kers! 

In Canada, if someone robs a bank they say:  Your wallets and money, please.  So sorry.

Why would I believe that?  Look at the Vaulter Bandit, who chose a different bank to rob 4 times a year (on average).  In 2015, he disguised himself as a construction worker, chatted with bank security, robbed the bank at gunpoint and then said,  “Have a nice Mother’s Day,” to the employees.

If something like this happened in the US, the police wouldn’t have a nice thing to say about the  #%**$&^@d robber.  But not in Canada.

“He’s in relatively good shape. He can vault over the counter with ease. He’s very flexible.” 

I have to say that the women in Canada are tough.  The Vaulter Bandit left without any cash in 2011 when a female employee kicked him in the balls.

I have a theory:  There aren’t enough paved roads in Canada to allow a bank robber to escape anywhere meaningful.  Since the Vaulter Bandit has grey hair, he probably spent the winter in Palm Springs, California working out in a gym. That’s where most of the Canadian Snowbirds go.

He couldn’t come back to Florida and rob us, he was arrested and served time here. 

So what does he do when he can’t go south again?  He tries fleeing to Switzerland. They’re not as polite in Geneva as police are in Canada.  They actually arrested him.

People in Canada have to be polite to each other.  After all, that @$$hole next door might be one of the people helping you dig out of the snow in January.  That’s the way it was in Minnesota when I lived there, a state that might as well be part of Canada.

Hell!  Even your cats are different.

Here’s my proof.

kittens.jpeg

Canadian Cat

mindubiz.jpg

My cat

You want more proof?

I’ll begin with an up-to-date map of Canada to show why there aren’t enough paved roads for a robber to make a decent escape:

map-2006-pop-density-canada-sz01-en.gif

Canada only has 4% of their roads paved because…I mean…really?  Who wants to vacation with the Inuit’s?    

Even the homeless have their limits on where to travel, especially during the winter.  They only go to the parts of Canada where the snowbirds have abandoned their mountain homes for the winter.

Homeless people aren’t stupid, or they wouldn’t survive for long.  Yet it does seem strange that Kansas is preferable to Mexico.  Then again, with so many corn fields, they’ll never starve.

homeless.gif
from huffington post

But alas, I digress.

In the USA, all but 1% of the roads are paved.  The difference between paved and unpaved roads can be seen in these pictures:

The road in front of my house

P1050946.JPG

Contrast that with L.A. at Rush Hour

LArushhour.jpg

For your viewing pleasure, here is a Canadian road during a major event:

Canadian Polite 3.jpg

 

Looking at the big picture, I’d say that Los Angeles has as many miles of paved roadway as all of Canada.

digital-vector-maps.com.gif

Canadian politeness is legendary

Here in the USA, that attitude has traditionally been called “Milk toast.”

The USA is known for letting it all out.  Just ask our favorite irreverent American, Maxine:

A maze Maxine.jpgMaxine on winter.jpg

If that isn’t enough to convince you that most people in the USA aren’t the type to say “sorry” in a Mosh Pit:

polite canadian1.jpg

In the USA, most graffiti is…well…graphic.

(UNABLE TO POST PICTURES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18)

But not in Canada

Canadian Polite 2.jpg

So there you have it:  The difference between the US and Canada:

People in the USA say it like it is and Canadians want to survive.

Advertisements

Author:

Crabby person who likes to rant. Reading it is free so remember-- you get what you pay for. Well endowed with the multi-layered weirdness that lurks inside a not-quite-right-mind. That's how I write SciFi. Crabby, weird, and to make matters worse, I write poetry. Some of it is even...shudder...nice. I feel like a sandwich that went on a journey of self-discovery just to find I was pastrami with Maraschino Cherries, hot peppers, the contents of an MRE and broccoli on gluten free cheese bread. After that kind of trauma no 'wich is the same again.

12 thoughts on “Canada vs. the USA

  1. Reblogged this on Two on a Rant and commented:

    I write a post for the Nudge Wink Report every month. It’s humor/satire/sarcasm and everyone writing for NWR has different styles and are from different parts of the world.

    It’s well worth looking at all the different posts.

    My post for today is a humorous look at the differences between Canada and the USA — with a few digressions thrown in.

    Hope you enjoy it.

    Like

  2. I’m thinking I will go the “polite” route and forego commenting what I’m really thinking. However, you might want to check out the latest “Reality” show called “Heavy Rescue: 401” on the Discovery channel. The 401 is one of our busiest paved roads. I fact it is one of the busiest in North America

    Liked by 1 person

Nudge us with a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s