Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Star Wars: A Cruel Grope

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_23Yes, this is Tom’s second Star Wars post in less than a year. According to our sources, he also once wore Star Wars shirts every day for an entire year. Try not to humor him. -Ed

When I heard that Disney was purchasing Star Wars for $4.05 billion, I paused for a contemplative moment of reflection:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Incidentally, that’s remarkably similar to my reaction when I learned that George Lucas decided to go back and “improve” the original movies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And, as a special treat for any completists out there — and let’s be honest, if we’re talking about Star Wars there’s a veritable bantha’s dozen of you — here’s how I responded to the shock and awe that there would be a sequel trilogy, and that the first of them would be directed by storyteller sock puppet J. J. Abrams.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Writer’s workshop: I wasn’t sure of the proper spelling and grammar of the word “no” here. In the end, I went with 16 cheery O’s and three exclamation points. And scene.

Pop quiz, hot shot! What’s the only thing worse than George Lucas? The answer, of course, is Disney. Or, as I like to call it, “Yoosa should follow me now, okeeday?”

Yousa might’n be sayin dat.

Lucas, a TV nerd youngling, grew up watching the classical shitty “serial” entertainments of yesteryear. Lucas was seduced by a dualism point of view: Good and bad, light and dark, yin and yang, night and day, God and Satan, cat and dog, male and female, active and passive, PC and Mac, motion and stillness, white meat and dark meat, and, well, methinks you get the idea.

In perhaps the greatest irony of all, Lucas himself has assumed a legendary duality status of his own. He is both beloved for his creation and despised for what he did with it. In other news, Darth Vader is actually a lovable guy and Han only shot in self defense.

Dat smells stinkowiff! Bantha poodoo!

As I indicated earlier, however, Disney is even worse. As a Sith organization, Disney deals only in absolutes. And that means money and galaxies of it. It turns out that Mickey Mouse and Jar Jar Binks are best buds. Personally, I’d rather be locked in a cell with an Imperial interrogation droid.

internal-temperature-of-tauntaunLucas himself saw the danger of Disney. Shortly after cashing his $4.05 billion paycheck, he said, and I quote: “I sold [my kids] to the white slavers.” Yes, he actually has Death Star balls of steel to refer to his movies as his “kids.” We are left to wonder about the mother of his kids. I bet she had some killer midichlorians.

In yet another irony, Star Wars, which was inspired by serials, is now one itself. Lucas once famously claimed it was his original plan to make nine movies. (A lie.) Only nine movies? These days, that looks like child’s play.

Any true fan, like myself, was excited to hear the sequel trilogy was finally going to be made. And yet, at the same time, I recall saying, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

There are innumerable problems with The Force Awakens, the first of the three sequels. Nerds greater than myself have already dissected the abomination that J.J. “Lens Flare Camera Shake” Abrams birthed into the world of official canon.

And yes, it made metric shit tons of money. That’s the only point that matters.

Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy, Disney rubs its hands together in glee and says, “What other ways can we milk this teat?”

“Where are those transmissions you intercepted? WHAT have you DONE with those plans?” asked Darth Vader once upon a time.

And from that briefest hint at backstory we find the genesis for the mid-to-late original trilogy prequel: Rogue One. Finally the story about the many Bothans who died to acquire the Death Star plans will be told.

funny-pictures-red-shirt-fight-storm-trooper-star-wars-trekThis movie suffers from the same problem as Titanic, though. I’m pretty sure I know at least one thing that’s going to happen by the end of the movie. The rebels will have those plans! Because, causality.

Disney’s next idea: The Adventures of Young Han Solo (In Love). So much story to explore here! How did Han meet Chewie? Why was Han a scoundrel? What was the lucky hand that won the Millenium Falcon from Lando? Who was his first kiss at summer camp on the Outer Rim? How did he get that motherfucking scar on his chin?! Has he ever dated a Kardashian?

Boom! Voila! Three more movies! What else you got? Anyone who’s been lucky enough to see the Star Wars Christmas Holiday Special knows that the sky’s the limit!

Boba Fett seems to be a character that’s beloved by fans. Maybe we give him a triology, too. Capiche? What happened to him after he fell in the sarlacc pit? Can we pace 1,000 years of digestion into only three 2-hour movies?

After that, Lando Calrissian’s Gas Mine Explosions and Other Things I Learned About Life.

Obi-Wan Kenobi? Give him a trilogy! Mace Windu? Ditto! That Palpatine guy? Where the hell did he come from and how was he the Senator from Naboo?! Trilogy!

Jabba the Hutt? Greedo? Admiral Ackbar? How about Grand Moff Tarkin? Who is, by the way, my favorite Moff of all time.

How about Wedge Antillies? He’s the only star pilot in the galaxy to appear in all three of the original movies. He even got a hug in the Ewok tree fort. That’s gotta be worth a billion or two.

How about that arms growing out of his head guy? Or the guy in the cantina who had the death sentence in 12 systems?

Or, and I’m deadly serious now, that woman that Han Solo made out with in the cantina right before he met Obi-Wan and Luke? I really want to know more about her. A lot more. That might be six movies worth of material right there. Maybe even nine. A gold mine! We should definitely plumb those depths.

How about Salacious Crumb, that little muppet that sat on Jabba’s lap? Curse his damned infectious laugh. I gotta know more!

Who else can you think of? Who am I leaving out? What other stories can be — nay, must be — told?

The possibilities are endless. And I only hope I live long enough to see them all. Dammit.

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

7 thoughts on “Star Wars: A Cruel Grope

    1. Alas, I had already forsworn a vow that I would not besmirch the world with additional comment about He Who Must Not Be Named. You know, that nitwit from the Island of Misfit Toys. That asshole gets enough coverage as it is.

      Be sure to read my next post, though: “Return of the Grope.”

      Like

  1. I am not enough of a Star Wars nerd to comment intelligently, but just let me say 2 things:
    1) I saw the first movie (which I can never remember the name of because they renamed it and renumbered it AFTER the fact, which should be illegal) on a big screen at a big theater and we all came out stoked – shouting and dancing in the street. We KNEW this was something else entirely.
    2) Love your pictures.

    Like

  2. Oh, man! I was nodding my head saying, yep…yep…yep in agreement.

    I nearly lost it at this sentence, thinking about the possibilities: “Can we pace 1,000 years of digestion into only three 2-hour movies?”

    The movie starts with Boba Fett falling in and then details his life as a bounty hunter, ending in a giant sarlacc fart that wakes him up and he realizes his legs have been digested. Then he dies and enters clone heaven. Everyone could walk out saying, “This movie stinks” 🙂

    Like

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