It’s that time of year again. Halloween is just over a week away and pumpkins everywhere are busy being stabbed, sliced, jabbed, disemboweled, and carved into outdoor decor for your front porch. Where they’ll sit until they rot and the stench becomes so strong it attracts feral cats and winos.

Pumpkin carving is an art. Most of us see pumpkin carving as a craft and try to DIY them into something cute. Something that makes a child go all “ooh” and “ah.”

That is not the purpose of a pumpkin. Pumpkins distain cute. Pumpkins don’t want to bring a smile to your face. Pumpkins want to be the scariest part of your day come October 31.

So when P.U.S. (Pumpkins United Society) contacted me to help get the message across, I agreed. I said I’d take a stab at carving out a post as long as they didn’t hold a knife to my throat.

If a pumpkin could talk (how scary would that be?) this is what they’d tell you if you asked them how they’d like to be carved.

1. Pumpkins should look scary. Not a lot scary. We understand not all of you can be Michelangelo-esque with your cutlery. But maybe enough to show you made an effort. Like this:


Don’t forget to put Grandma’s dentures back after you’re done.

2. Pumpkins would prefer you not portray them as something you might want to cuddle up with on the sofa. If that’s the experience you’re looking for, pumpkins suggest you try putting this wig on your girlfriend. Some advice. Don’t try to put a candle in her mouth. Your wick might get singed. *wink wink*


Not traditionally scary but with a sharp knife in her hand? Poster girl for scary.

3. Pumpkins feel the need to spill their seeds. From seedling to harvest, they wait for the day someone will take up a sharp knife and bring out their inner fright. They didn’t get yanked out of the pumpkin patch for this:


Not even a black marker. Pathetic.

4. Pumpkins have a great sense of humor. They appreciate a good pumpkin joke as much as any acorn squash. And on any other day of the year would laugh seed pulp out their noses (if anyone bothered to carve them one) when someone gets all witty and shit. It just not the correct, pumpkin-approved, form of scary.


A good sense of humor is vital when drowning in debt and living in your car.

5. Pumpkins understand that, with today’s economy, not all of us can afford to pay for a designer-carved pumpkin. Still. This is not good.


From the Halloween episode of “Pimp My Pumpkin.”

6. Pumpkins would really like it if non-profits would stop using their skins for their own promotional purposes. Yes, adopting a pet from an animal shelter is a wonderful thing to do. But there are 364 other days and as many other forms of produce they could sink their paws into. Pumpkins have a right to not be the cute in someone’s day.


Cute. So not Halloween material.

7. Pumpkins frown on doubling up. Pumpkins realize they can be used to make some form of pie.

Not that they’ve ever tasted pumpkin pie. Because that would be cannibalism.

So while they admit to being a multi-use piece of produce, they would prefer it if you didn’t use them as a DIY cat litter box.


Actually, this one IS scary. Just imagine the smell.

8. Finally, pumpkins love funny. Just not on Halloween. Go for the scary. Go for the ghoulish.

Go for something that shows them you’re not just a dull knife in a drawer.

Pumpkins want you to sink your hands in deep and pull out their guts with a sense of purpose and determination that, this year, you’ll finally carve a pumpkin that will make a five-year old pee his pants. Just a little.

I’d like to thank P.U.S. for the opportunity to help promote a more traditional pumpkin-carving philosophy with our readers. And to tell them I understand if they don’t ask me to write another post for them next year. Once they get a look at what’s sitting on my front porch this Halloween.


This one gets a pass. Because hilarious.

Have any pumpkin stories to share? Come on…scare us. *grin*