Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

We Will Never Regret

neverforgetBear with me. What you are about to read is not exactly cohesive. It’s going to flit about. I’m going to hop around. Jump up, jump up, and get down. Face down. On the ground. Buried in a mound. This is a blues riff in ‘B’, watch me for the changes, and try and keep up, okay?

Abyss is filmed before a live studio audience with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven human in a court of law.

Tomorrow, Sunday, September 11, 2016, marks the fifteen year anniversary since planes crashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center or, as Wikipedia likes to call it, the “September 11 attacks.”

Now then… I wonder? Hmm. How to commemorate such a date? I’m not sure. I don’t know much but I do know this: It’s gotta be classy. It’s gotta be sensitive. It’s gotta maintain a certain level of decorum. It’s gotta be enlightened. It’s gotta have panache, style, and aplomb.

I know! 💡 There’s only one time-honored quintessentially American way to do this right. With a sale!

By Grabthar’s hammer, what a savings!

Think about it. What’s better than “savings?” Absolutely nothing, I’ll tell you what. Savings is better than apple pie, baseball, and mom all rolled into one, and that’s something you can eat and drive all night long.

Fun fact about savings: You have to hand over your wallet to partake. (Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!)

To celebrate 9/11 I would have my own sale, but why bother when it has already been done up right?

Exhibit A – Rollback

What do you get when you combine Walmart, Coca-Cola, and the worst act of terrorism on American soil? A whoop ass delicious can of American exceptionalism, that’s what!

walmart911

And check out that price? $3.33. That’s exactly half of $6.66. Coincidence? Methinks not!

Walmart says, “We will never forget.” Not at these prices, we won’t. Besides, what’s more American than freebasing liquid candy directly into your veins?

Exhibit B – Miracle

Now we come to the pièce de résistance. Without further ado, I give you the “Twin Tower Sale” from Miracle Mattress.

miracle911

Plot: There are two “towers” of mattresses. The pitch is any size mattress for a “twin” price. Get it? Get it?! Then, as two guys knock over the towers, the woman turns back to the camera and says, “We’ll never forget.” These babies practically sell themselves.

Sadly, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. If there’s anything else that’s American it’s threatening to kill everyone exercising their freedoms in a way you don’t like. After claiming he knew nothing about the promotion (meh!), the owner of the store briefly promised to dedicate proceeds from the weekend’s sales to a 9/11 charity before changing his mind and closing the store “indefinitely.”

Seriously, though. The idea behind this sale is so bad I find it hard to imagine how anyone would think it’s a good idea. Even a businessperson.

By the way, why do mattress stores even exist? They don’t make anything. They just take shit from a manufacturer and slap a price markup on it. What’s the value they add to our society? Why are they the source of television’s worst advertisements of all time? Perhaps questions better left for philosophers.

Exhibit C – Potpourri

Some companies prefer to play it low-key and go with simple “branding” by associating themselves with iconic images. Well played, CVS Pharmacy (which courageously deleted the tweet after criticism). Honorable mention to The Vitamin Shoppe (still online) and Major League Baseball. Remember, no part of the MLB logo can be described or re-transmitted without the express written consent of the commissioner.

cvs911

vitaminshoppe911
mlb911

Conclusion

What is a sale? A company lying to rip you off. Buy one get one free? Yeah, only if we previously tripled the price. What is advertising? A penetrative act of evil disguised as a favor.

Personally, I think ingenious companies have barely scratched the surface of marketing opportunities based on tragedies. Why stop at 9/11? Here’s a few more ideas right off the top of my head:

Mount Vesuvius sale – We’re blowing our tops and so are our prices. What?! Too soon?!

Union Carbide sale – We’ve never been held accountable but that’s no reason to pass up these deals.

Fukushima Pokéstop Clearance – You’ll literally be glowing and everyone gets a chance to catch a rare Pidgy or Dratinis.

Famous Outdoor Gear’s Death Count on Everest sale: These prices only got one way to go: Down. Way, way down!

Hindenburg sale – Explosive values!

Fancy Bars of Soap – Sponsored by little Syrian boy™.

Can you think of more? It helps if you have an MBA.

After all, what good is human misery if some asshole can’t stumble along make a quick buck from it? Why even have tragedy at all?

The real tragedy is that actual human empathy is all but dead. Now, how can we profit from that?!

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

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