Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss

Hotel California: The Sequel

hotel-californiaHollywood can rehash movies, so why not songs? As the world runs out of notes this is the perfect time to get on the bandwagon (heh) of a hot new trend.

Song sequels are about to drop. Imagine! There are well over 97 million songs with new stories to tell. New narratives. New arrangements. New instrumentations! New vocal performances. New chances to grab for your wallet.

Don’t let that word fool you. That’s how Hollywood do it. Simply slap the word “new” on something old and you’re good to go. Instant creativity in action. Just add drugs.

If this idea catches on, I’m pretty sure prequel songs and four-part trilogy songs will be soon to follow. No doubt there will be lots of spin-offs. (Heh. A pun that requires knowledge that music used to be played on turntables.)

Previously on Hotel California: Our protagonist had been denied exit from the hotel by the Night Man and he was pretty bummed out about it. At long last, the rest of the story can finally be told. Of course, history buffs today know that Night Man is the mortal enemy of Dayman, as originally discovered in sunny Philadelphia. (View: Historical document.)

Oh, great. Here we go again with the subtle philosophy of dualism. We really are out of ideas.

What happens to our protagonist? Will he ever escape? Can he find true happiness within walls made of adobe? Have colitas been legalized yet? (It’s been almost 40 years.) Where was he originally going, anyway? What was so important that he was driving so late at night? Was it Taco Bell? Was he a courier with the intercepted transmissions that contained plans for the Death Star?

Listen now: Only $1.29 for the radio edit. Click here to buy.

But you can never leave!

Hotel California: The Sequel

Bedlam at the Hotel California
Such a nasty twist (such a nasty twist)
When you don’t exist
Plenty of shit that I’m gonna try to warn ya
I will really try (and try not to die) but they blocked wi-fi

I stood there in the darkness, warm numb in my head
Reaching out for my lover, when I saw she was dead
Turning back to the Night Man, I saw him running away
My anger aroused like a raptor on flight
Fighting back tears – I gave chase

Time slowed like molasses
I saw him fade in the night
He was gone and I was alone
So I pulled out my device

Bedlam at the Hotel California
Such a nasty twist (such a nasty twist)
When you don’t exist
Plenty of shit that I’m gonna try to warn ya
I will really try (and try not to die) but they blocked wi-fi

Time was slowly dissolving, I had to try for some help
I opened up a web browser, and pointed it at the Yelp
They had stopped me, I knew I would never get far
My revenge would be a scathing nasty review
With a rating of only one star!

I swore this review would be their end
But there was no wi-fi signal
And I could never press send!

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

9 thoughts on “Hotel California: The Sequel

  1. Brilliant! Moving! Excellent word usage! Call the bellhop…I want to check in immediately so I can check out my favourite song to see how badly it gets screwed in the process of “rebranding” itself. Sometimes it works. Sometimes…ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Thanks. I often ponder the original line “we are all just prisoners here, of our own device” in the context of this iPhone riddled world. Who knew Hotel California was a fortune telling song?! πŸ™‚

      Like

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