A Round Up Of The Weirdest & Funniest News Headlines This Week

We’re a curious old bunch, aren’t we?

Well, I know that I am and I can’t be the only one. Here, let me prove it to you. Go on, push the button. I double dare you!

See what I mean, you totally pushed it, right?

Wait, hold on, you didn’t? What kind of crazy psychopath are you? It’s a button, of course you want to push it, it’s the cliff-hanger to end all cliff-hangers, it represents you breaking the rules even if you come off as a complete tool. And you’re seriously telling me you don’t want to push it? Are you insane? Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Be off with you, go and never darken my guest towels again, you blandly non-curious fiend!

Still here? Glad to hear it. We don’t need those other types stinking out the place with their reason, logic and political agendas. We want to see some stupid stuff and we want to see it now, Mister!

I’ve picked the most entertaining headlines that I’ve found this week, sprinkled in some additional commentary and even made up some stories myself. See if you can spot the fakes and feel free to point them out in the comments.

 

Super rats are being genetically modified to sniff out land mines for the army

American scientists have already managed to create a breed of mice that can be programmed to detect specific smells, which they will then use to help our armed forces detect mines to save lives.

Is it just me or have you also just realised the enormous potential here? That’s right, we can finally discover who squeezed the cheese in the elevator first. It wasn’t you? Oh, I think I smell a rat!

 

Experts say that it is only a matter of time before we can replace blood donations and transfusions with Heinz Ketchup

Leading scientists in the fields of biology, biogenics, food and medicine are confident that in a mere seven years time, blood donations and transfusions will be a thing of the past, thanks to the versatility of the stuff that you personally squander on Big Macs and fries.

No more blood type compatibility problems when all of us are going to be Blood Type Tomat’O’.

There have been no confirmations yet as to whether we could potentially substitute BBQ sauce in our veins to give us a nice fake tan or Jamaican Reggae Reggae sauce to let us sing like the ghost of Bob Marley but this miracle breakthrough is certainly going to make Heinz a packet, that’s for sure.

 

NASA shocks followers by tweeting cheeky photo of woman’s bum

Wait, this isn’t the moon! It’s a saucy one to say the least. Hey hold on, is that the wife at the door? Cripes! Baby, I can explain, I was just staring into space and then she started mooning at me…no, please, not the face! Aieeeeeeeee!

You Got Mooned by stardust4ever @ DeviantArt

 

Please, buy me! Live fish leaps out of tank and into shopper’s basket as he browses supermarket

A shopper was left stunned in his local supermarket, as while he was casually browsing the aisles, a very eager fish enthusiastically threw itself from its tank into his basket. It is uncertain whether other items including salt, vinegar, chips and tartar sauce also spontaneously threw themselves into the basket or if the man had been drinking.

Authorities are not treating this as a phishing scam.

 

Man divorced three times finds romance with a sex doll called Bonnie and they committed a spree of bank robberies across three US states before they were caught in the act

Law enforcement officials are branding this particular dynamic duo a Bonnie & Clyde for our times.

In an exclusive interview with Peter Schmidt of Dayton, Ohio, after being caught attempting to rob a bank in the sleepy town of Mill Valley, California, Peter broke down in front of security guards, confessing that he was madly in love with his plastic companion and life partner Bonnie and that she made him do it or she would have withdrawn privileges to him in the bedroom.

Police are trying to keep a lid on the situation but feel that just like Bonnie, it may now be blowing all out of proportion.

 

New TV remote control for DOGS developed – and it does include a paws button

Does your dog hog all of the best shows on Netflix? Chances are you are not the only one to have this happen by a long shot. Stick with me here (see what I did there?)

Research has been made by a pet food company called Wagg into the habits of our canine companions and it has been discovered that they are spending as much as nine hours per week channel surfing their little eyeballs out.

This has inspired them to commission designing a remote control that will work on a sonic decibel level that emits small squeaks to make it easy for your pup to emulate their master and binge watch until their heart is content.

Spokesman Dan Reeves is confident it will be a howling success.

George R. R. Martin – looks like this is an excellent time to get working on that Games of Bones spin-off, there’s good boy.

And that’s your lot for this week.

Want me to write more of these gems? Let us know in the comments below!