Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor

My Resume Is The One With The Gravy Stains

I’ve noticed a good many openings in the job market just now, and I’m not talking about summer work for college students selling Grit subscriptions door to door.  These are some high paying positions with opportunities for advancement and significant media time.

There are few better ways to get my application considered than by posting it on a world famous blog with tens of thousands of influential readers seeing it every day.  Sadly, only Ben Affleck has editorial access to his blog, and these days his best work seems dedicated to kissing Tom Brady’s ass and whining about Deflate-Gate.  That being the case, I’ll post it here.

Using a blog platform to attempt to springboard into consideration for some sweet employment may be passe’, but I just can’t get the hang of the Insta-Twitter.  As my most loyal readers may recall, I blog-applied for the head coaching job of the New York Jets in a post on my personal blog.  To my utter amazement, I wasn’t even granted an interview!  I hope I don’t come across as spiteful, but it’s nice to think that they’ll have to share a stadium with a more successful team and continue wearing hideous retro-looking uniforms for the next decade or two.

Compared to some of the current vacant positions, coaching the Jets would be akin to working the fry-o-lator down at the local burger joint.  For instance, the last time I checked, Kelly Ripa was still looking for a new morning wingman.  Obviously I’m over-qualified for that one – I mean, anyone who’s ever seen me wear a suit and sit on a barstool yabbering with a cute blond knows my qualifications.  Weddings, funerals, mixers at the local Elks Club or morning TV chatter, it doesn’t matter to this guy!

Be honest Kell, does this Armani tie make my head look fat? (Doctored image by the author)
Be honest Kell, does this Armani tie make my head look fat? (Doctored image by the author)

In addition, there has been at least one high level departure from the Trump campaign team as Donald told his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski that he was fired.  There is a rumor that Trump canned him when he discovered that he was not related to anyone named Monica.

Oh Corey! I've told you before; Earth Tones, sweetie!
Oh Corey! I’ve told you before; Earth tones, sweetie!! (Doctored image by the author)

 

There will be at least two vice presidential candidate gigs opening up quite soon as well.  I’ll admit, I’m no Spiro T. Agnew, but neither was Dan Quayle, amiright?  I realize that job is beneath me, but Hillary is going to need help if she’s going to win the middle-aged fat guy demographic.  I figure just standing behind her smirking during a few speeches should do the trick.  On my days off, Bill and I could go sit on bar stools and chat-up cute blondes.

All of those job openings sound pretty nice, but the one I have my eye on hasn’t even been posted on the bulletin board down in HR yet. In fact, I’ve just read the position was only recently filled.  It may seem counter-intuitive to apply for a job for which someone else was just hired, but the early chicken gets the feed.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’m referring to the new face of the original face of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  That’s right, KFC is changing their founder-imitator yet again.  The original version was Colonel Harland Sanders himself.  A couple of years ago, comedian Norm MacDonald started gracing the airwaves doing an intentionally bad job masking his deadpan delivery while dressed as Sanders.  I’ll admit, I kind of enjoyed that version.  Just when I started to get used to Norm in the white suit, Jim Gaffigan showed up wearing it.  Gaffigan is already making big bank doing “clean” stand-up and shilling minivans for Chrysler. Jim’s nasal Midwestern accent just didn’t compare to Norm’s Canadian delivery and “whatever-happened-to” charm.

Norm, Jim, Harland – it doesn’t matter anymore.  KFC recently let slip with the identity of the newest face of fried fowl.  It is none other than the ever-bronze George Hamilton.  While I admit the thought of that thin white mustache and matching billy-goat beard on a guy who’s tanner than tan does seem amusing, I’m pretty sure the visual gag will get old by the end of the first 30 second spot.  In addition, the extra crispy jokes have already been swirling around the interwebs like SPF-Zero in a shower drain.

This chicken tastes Dy-No...ahh you know.
Add a bucket of the Colonel’s chicken and let the good times roll, right J.J.?  (Authored image by the doctor)

Looking ahead, I see KFC dumping Hamilton shortly after every man woman and child in North America is sick and tired of seeing him in the role.  Having played the “brown-ish card” too soon and too timidly, KFC can forget about casting Jimmie “Kid Dyn-O-Mite” Walker or Al Roker in the role.  The KFC advertising brain trust will have to find another direction.  They’ve already exhausted the has-been, the still-are and the is-he-still-alive? routes, so they’ll have to think outside the bucket.

The Colonel hanging in a Hoyer sling? I'll have to eat a whole lotta chicken before I max out the weight capacity on this puppy!
The Colonel hanging in a Hoyer sling? I’ll have to eat a whole lotta chicken before I max out the weight capacity on this puppy!

That’s where I come in.  With a little help from the gal in wardrobe, some of those Gaffigan suits ought to fit me well enough.  I’m a fresh face, with a slightly weird accent and already wear glasses.  Haters may point out that I possess very little acting talent, but let’s be serious – we’re talking about fried chicken commercials here, not Rocky XVIII. I’m sure I’ll do a great job for them, and if the girl is wardrobe okay with continued alterations, KFC can pay me in Original Recipe and biscuits.

 

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

19 thoughts on “My Resume Is The One With The Gravy Stains

  1. This post was finger licking good. You’re riding the gravy train to wealth and success with this one. Makes me want to cluck, cluck and shake my feathers. *grin*

    On a side note, I changed the theme for NWR and it now appears that your about me page from your blog is here in all it’s entirely. Makes for a good read. I’ll see if I can fix ‘er up right quick. If not, I’ll search for another theme. Again. *sigh*

    Like

  2. I don’t know which I enjoyed more, the post or Dave’s profile tale. Both were a bowl of fun…your mastery of Paint is pretty impressive, dude. Subway might still be looking for a spokesperson…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I suspect even Santa Claus couldn’t pass their new background screening at this point. They might be better off with one of those computer generated spokespersons…

        Like

  3. I would think that an old white-haired, glasses-wearing guy already named Sanders (whose job application for president didn’t quite work out) would be a perfect fit for the KFC job.
    However, he is 74, so his big retirement chicken bucket should be coming pretty soon – and then you would be next in the pecking order.

    Like

  4. I can’t believe the Hamilton Option is even on the table. Damn those chicken people are reaching. Which is why you would be more than fabulous in the role. Don’t forget your old friends when you’re swimming in the Extra Crispy with Biscuits benefits.

    Like

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