This post is bananas.

Welcome to a special holiday edition of the report. Or, as dad liked to say, “A day late and a dollar short.”

Happy Father’s Day!

Since none of my kids are talking to me, I decided to cozy up to the computer and pound out some drivel to pass the time. As a lover and aficionado of social media, I hope you’ll enjoy the following true story. You might want a full body condom, though.


I’m not big on Facebook myself, the big daddy of social media. I hear it’s a great way to bring friends and strangers closer together.

First, a personal piece of Americana history. This story takes place in the early 90s. The dark times before the advent of the internet.

For some strange reason, I had a PO Box. I don’t remember why. No doubt it was to support some shady activity that I’m sure as hell not going to mention here in mixed company. That would be bad form.

Anyway, my wife had a friend who wanted to run a personal ad in the local newspaper. She asked if she could borrow my PO Box. As a gentleman and a scholar, of course I said yes.

Now, pay attention. This part is important: Her ad was wholesome and clean. It was completely non-sexual. Not even a hint of tart.

Of course, you already guessed what happened next. We were suddenly the proud owners of hundreds of pieces of mail addressed to Occupant that contained Polaroid dick pics. I no longer have the ad copy, but I think the replies generally went something like this:

“You’ll want to date me. Check out my penis.”

“This is the sum total of who I am.”

“Renaissance penis with disgusting growth attached seeks same.”

That’s about the long and the short of it. I think you get the gist.

By the way, this caused a bit of a kerfuffle with the storage unit company where I rented my PO Box. Since the envelopes were addressed to “Occupant” they took it upon themselves to open the mail. All of the mail. Even when they clearly saw the way things were going they kept going. That’s determination! The local postmaster later explained to me, “Since they’re a private company and not the post office, they can legally open your mail.” Lesson learned!

Meanwhile, 2016 in the Year of our Lord, the most recent year we’ve ever known, a woman went on Facebook and wrote a restaurant review.

Naturally, a total stranger came across the review, saw her picture, liked what he saw, and whipped out a dick pic and sent it to her poste haste. Thanks to Facebook, things like this and much, much more are possible.

Because, of course he did. I think he also mentioned something like, “You have pretty eyes.”

This is where the story gets good. The woman he messed with turned out to be a super hero. She responded by sending him dick pics, too, along with messages like, “Mine is bigger.” (She knew exactly where to hit him.) She then posted the entire exchange publicly on Facebook.

The man initially claimed he was just “being nice” and, “I just want to puke! Please stop!” Then he became angry and switched tactics to name calling. She replied, “You have pretty eyes.”

Here’s an excerpt of the exchange after she sent him some dick pics:

Him: “Why the fuck are you nasty like that. I was nice with u.”

Her: “So I’m being nice too! Isn’t sending unsolicited dick pics nice?!”

Him: “I’m not gay and you’re a girl so you should like it.”


Personally I think three exclamation points is pushing it, but that’s why she’s the super hero and I’m nothing.

After Facebook took down her posts, she reposted the exchange with cartoon images blocking the phallic bits but it was too late. Facebook deleted her account for violating “community standards.”

No word yet from Facebook regarding why unsolicited dick pics from men is a community standard they continue to support.

For those who want to see the documentation of her pith and brilliance, here’s the link: – This girl absolutely SCHOOLED this guy for sending an unsolicited dick pic