Young’uns these days don’t get their news from such antiquated things like a newspaper or a TV. Instead, they lazily scan through the latest BuzzFeed post on their magic rectangles, while waiting in line at Starbucks to buy a Crappucino.
Newsflash: That ain’t the real news! Accurate, sure. But still — not news! And Starbucks tastes like grade-A hot poop. Why don’t you kids grind some Maxwell House into a mug and knock back some REAL caffeine for a change?
Speaking of which, I happen to have the perfect news source:
Welcome to OLN: Old Lady News.
My mom is 82 and doesn’t give even half a rat’s ass. Especially after her third pot of coffee. So I get the uncensored low-down on the day’s breaking headlines every morning, whether I want to or not.
Here’s her take on this week’s news. (Plus a little TMI about her diet restrictions.) I’ve edited it down to as few words as possible in bullet list form so all you short-attention-span-whippersnappers will read it.
- Global warming “Darla, this world is pumping a handcart to hell! We’re all gonna live in domes one day, mark my words! Domes! Sylvia Browne (psychic) said so! Of course, I’ll be dead by then. And poor Sylvia’s dead now, too. But YOU won’t be! HAHAHAHAAAAA! Did I tell you that I can’t have gluten? Makes me bloat up like a fricken blow fish.”
- Weather (our local meteorologist is a full-figured woman) “Hey, did you see the forecast for tomorrow? Yeah? Well, I didn’t! I couldn’t see past her damn chest! It was blocking half the map! She’s much too busty. Y’know what, lady? I’d rather get my weather without a clear view of your high fronts!
- Politics “Jeezum crow, I can’t stand Trump the Dump! He’s gonna be the leader of the free world, mark my words! And he’ll put everyone in a dome! Too bad we couldn’t throw him in a dome with LePage! (Maine’s current governor) Let them bully the crap outta each other! Speaking of which, did I tell you that I had an English muffin last month and I’m still butt-logged?”
- Reality Shows “Naked and Afraid? Try stupid, ugly as hell, and afraid! Who starts a fire in the middle of the woods with their privates hanging out? So disgusting! God, how I wish I could have some bread right about now…”
- Oprah “Oh, sure! She can have bread now! Ooh! We’re all so HAPPY for you, Oprah! I used to like her, but man, she’s now getting on my last nerve! Eat your bread, we don’t care! Did ya notice in that Weight Watchers commercial she looks a little too angry. What she doesn’t tell us is that after she eats her one little piece of bread, she hits Stedman over the head with the rest of the loaf! That’s why she’s losing weight! She is pissed!”
- More politics “Honest to Jiminy Cricket! Hillary or Trump? These are my choices? Please, lord take me now before Election Day, I’m beggin’ you! That’s it! I’m having some toast! Screw you, Oprah! I don’t care anymore!”
And there you have it, kids — OLN: Bringing you breaking news and the current status of my mother’s colon.